Cerberus Daily News

09/08/2185

Administrator — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:59:42 +0000

Panic swept the extranet as programmers studying the Wee-Cee bug discovered that the “static” it generates in simulstim programs contains masked data. Although scientists insist that the data is scrambled in a way that can’t be “read” by organic minds, the simulstim industry lost hundreds of millions of credits over the weekend as downloads dropped 80 percent. Rumors have circulated that Wee-Cee is everything from a geth infiltration program to a malfunctioning rogue AI, but authorities say there is no indication that the malware is sentient. Omni-tool users who have been infected can download an adaptive system wipe-and-restore from all major extranet provider home pages.

09/07/2185

Administrator — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 05:04:44 +0000

C-SEC authorities are clamping down on the latest craze among extreme sport enthusiasts: “curve gliding.” An idea first joked about on the popular weekly drama “The Lower Wards,” curve gliding is dangerous and all too real. On the Citadel, a glider straps a power cell to a specially designed, pressurized glider suit, jumps from a high-altitude point, and follows the curve of a ward as far as possible before having to land. C-SEC officer Robert Coles said: “Not only is this activity dangerous to the glider, the chances of hitting a person or flying into traffic are significant. It’s only a matter of time before someone crashes an aircar because of this.” C-SEC has stepped up their vigilance in response to an incident that ended with a potential glider under arrest for attempting to scale the Citadel Tower.

09/06/2185

Administrator — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:06:57 +0000

A dangerous new bug called “Wee-Cee” ripped through several thousand public extranet terminals last night and potentially infested millions of private connections. The bug targets simulstim watchers, randomly cutting into programs with static feedback that causes headaches and even seizures in some viewers. Asked what people could do to protect themselves, Synthetic Insights senior programmer Neartanlis Ontant says, “Simple: buy and register an accredited, VI-monitored anti-virus program and keep it updated. I don’t understand why people won’t spend 50 credits to shield themselves when plugging stimuli directly into their brains.”

09/05/2185

Administrator — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 06:09:54 +0000

In a case many are calling “preposterous”, socialite Aish Ashland’s ex-husband Jenellen Lepp is demanding a divorce settlement from his former spouse. Legal experts say the singer has zero grounds for a settlement, if only because the marriage lasted less than a standard galactic week. Critics are calling the entire “now-they-are, now-they-aren’t” fiasco a publicity stunt timed for the release of Lepp’s album, “Depth of Field,” which debuts next month. Aish Ashland could not be reached for comment.

09/04/2185

Administrator — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 18:59:09 +0000

A record 7.3 million credits was paid for breeding rights to Gorefang Akosh Himon Igole Forvros, the varren who wowed judges at this year’s Inter-Colony Varren Kennel-Club show on planet Kruljaven. Gorefang is a red-striped clefnose from Tuchanka who, his trainer boasts, “has torn the heads off of a dozen armored mercs.” While the judges had no way to verify this particular qualification, Gorefang is free of scars and has fine dentition. Don’t rule the claim out, though — experts say that piercing standard krogan battle armor is quite possible for a varren in top shape. Tests have recorded Gorefang’s jaw exerting more than two metric tons of pressure per square centimeter. That’s quite a bite!

09/03/2185

Administrator — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 12:51:17 +0000

After a week-long honeymoon on Illium, Aish Ashland is returning home – as a free woman. Sources say that during the flight back to earth, this newly-divorced newlywed discovered her ex-husband Jenellen Lepp in a delicate situation with another couple… and a bag of narcotics. A tearful Aish had this to say to the press: “I don’t know what he was thinking. He had no right to use up my stash, I can’t live with someone who disrespects that. Also, you’ve got to have fidelity in a relationship, and I know about fidelity, I’ve had a music pod for 19 years.”

09/02/2185

Administrator — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:50:19 +0000

The Galactic Music Video Awards kicked off tonight with dazzling numbers from Eff Tee El, Bootyherax, and Blue Giants. In what will undoubtedly be called the entrance of the year, Eff donned a cowboy hat and reinforced codpiece to ride a low-powered biotic singularity onstage. As for the awards, Best New Artist went to Domino Masque, Best Choreography went to Skinsuit’s “Mix It,” and the coveted Video of the Year went to Varrencage for their anthem “Let It Up, Let It Out.” A moment of silence for deceased singed Lady Sweat preceded her band’s performance of “Where You Gone?” with the soulful vocals provided by VI-via Wonder. But the most memorable antic of the night was dubbed the “Quarian Kiss”: Lita’Orn nar Idenna stripped off her mask when she won Best VI-Directed Video and gave presenter Illesa T’Nasty a big wet kiss. Lita’s representatives say she is expected to make a full recovery.

09/01/2185

Administrator — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 05:35:16 +0000

The new e-book “First Contact: Who Needs It?” by author Kurt Riven has zoomed to the top of this week’s best-seller list. In the book, the counterculture icon argues that contact between extraterrestrial species is inherently a bad idea. Riven writes, “Aside from the inevitable wars, jingoism, and disease that always follow first contact, there’s a more insidious problem: the homogenization of culture, of thought, of ideas themselves. As soon as I see how your ship works, I don’t need to figure it out myself. I’ll copy yours and whatever hope we had for something new evaporates. Maybe mine’s a different shape, but so what? The same problem exists on a galactic scale, where all major species are busy duplicating each other’s ideas. It would have been better if they never met.” Ironically, in light of the book’s success, many copycat books are already popping up across the extranet.

08/31/2185

Administrator — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 06:03:44 +0000

Nos Astra police are on a manhunt this evening for Rolan Quarn, who slipped his tracking bracelet and led police on a two-hour chase before disappearing. Before he left, the turian recorded a message to the employees of Delumcore Systems, thanking many of them by name and giving advice for the company’s future. Quarn ended by saying “Sorry about the bail. I wish everyone the best. I’ve never been prouder of the people I’ve worked with, and that’s saying something.” Authorities believe Quarn will be attempting to book a passage off-system.

08/30/2185

Administrator — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 08:54:58 +0000

A new wrinkle in the trial of Rolan Quarn, the turian who masqueraded as the CEO of Delumcore Systems: passing himself off as Jaxum Borlin isn’t the first time he’s stepped into someone else’s life. Quarn has impersonated dozens of other people including a stunt driver, sous-chef, martial arts instructor, ambassador, varren tamer, news anchor, and stand-up comedian. Nos Astran police chief Sonja Treme stated that Quarn is being “cooperative” and that “he was living off of what he made once he joined Delumcore. Borlin’s personal accounts haven’t been touched.”