[Religion] Cardinals Elect Joseph Peter Kelly, Who Will Be Pope Dominic II

Cardinals Elect Joseph Peter Kelly, Who Will Be Pope Dominic II

By Andrew Smith

VATICAN CITY - A puff of white smoke from the newly restored Sistine Chapel announced to the cheers of thousands of faithful that the gathering of Catholic cardinals picked a new pope from among their number on Thursday, choosing the cardinal from Australia.

The new pope, Joseph Peter Kelly, will be called Dominic II and will be the 272nd pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. He is also the youngest pope to be chosen in the last thousand years at the age of 33, and a member of the Dominican order.

"I would like to thank you for your embrace," the new pope, dressed in white, said from the balcony of the newly rebuilt St. Peter's Basilica as thousands cheered below. "These have been trying times, but they will get better."

Speaking in accented Italian, he blessed the faithful and asked the audience to "Pray for me, and we'll see each other soon."

He bade a farewell and the crowd cheered the new pope.

Dominic II had led volunteer centers in Australia during the Reaper War where he would preach to the faithful and helped the local resistance to stay safe from the Reapers, and since the death of the previous pope, during the Reaper invasion, he has been a voice of leadership for the Church.

He inherits a church with an array of challenges, such as a shortage of priests, the incorporation of alien faiths, and a lack of leadership due to the near genocide of humanity by the Reapers.

Dominic spoke about the Reapers in the homily during his first mass as pope. He stated that we should "forgive them their trespasses, but forget them not. We were delivered from their evil once, but we must be wary."

He has yet to comment on the five year plan by the SATAE.

HUMAN RELIGION

NO ONE CARES

BOO CHANGE THE CHANNEL

SERIOUSLY THERE ARE TWO HUNDRED FOURTEEN THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED TEN DIFFERENT RELIGIONS IN THE KNOWN GALAXY

THEY ALL HAVE A VARIETY OF WONDERFUL FUNNY HATS AND OLD PEOPLE DISPENSING FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

GOD IS DEAD

WE KILLED HIM

WE KILLED HIM WITH THIS

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE FUCKERS

JOIN THE NEW VOLUS CHURCH OF GO FUCK YOURSELF

ATHIESM FOREVAAAAAA

I must say, I'm surprised at the choice. Wasn't who I was expecting. Not that I object, mind you, just surprised. But here's to the new pontiff, another step on the road back to Normal.

Please specify your means of deicide.

An Australian. That's interesting. I knew a few Aussies back when I was on the Citadel... Interesting people.

I wish our new Pontiff the best of luck, he's going to need it.

I would, but the netops would just censor it. So I'll just scream it out.

I killed your god with my [REDACTED]
Oh, come on!

vorcha ate our gods long before first contact.

Through which means: the ontological application of [REDACTED]’s existence with respect to Abrahamic scripture, its natural weaponry, or its anomalously high fat content?

This one is confused by the most Corpulant Volus' dialog. How does one put it on ignore so it can discuss the election of this human who speaks for the enkindlers.

... are you saying I'm fat, robofucker?

Hunh.

My first reaction was a bit of amusement, since Australia isn't a particularly religious country-I grew up in a religious family and we very rarely actually went to church.

But you know, if he did some good in the war and continues to do so, good on him.

is that why you live with dwick? so you look thin in comparison?

HEY

FATTY MCHOSEPANTS

YER FAT

The veracity of this statement depends on your response to my query. The phrase "anomalously high fat content" is used in conjunction with only one of three stated conjectures, all of which are stated on the basis of circumstantial evidence and hearsay.

For example, the ontological implications of your [REDACTED] have only been stated by yourself, with conflicting assertions from User: DWICK.

No

YOU'RE FAT

This chassis does not support lipid fuel consumption, and as such does not store it.

Much akin to two Reapers honking at each other in increasingly flaccid paroxysms while Quarn steals their citadel and erases their records.

Both micro and macro subject overwiews.

NO YOUR FAT

... That brings up a point. Can a geth actually be fat? I mean, is it actually feasible for that to happen?

^

No.