[Sniper's Touch] Do it right or don't do it at all (closed)

Juhani hadn't gotten a definitive answer yet on who Raelon had decided to favor yet and he was very much tempted to ask about it on today's visit, but that wasn't the goal this time.

He had not come to see Raelon as potential lover, but as the shaman he was to the hall. Juhani was seeking spiritual advice, but how well a man barely older than him would be able to offer it? That remained to be seen.

First things first though, which was finding the man in question. He headed for Raelon's regular haunt at the nerve center of the range, the CCTV station. Let's see if he was home...

Given that Raelon's usual pasttimes include Galaxy of Fantasy, tinkering with the range's security setup, working on computers and hacking his way into places he isn't supposed to be, it's shocking to find that, while Raelon's in his usual chair, for once all the screens are turned off. The shaman's eyes are closed, his breathing slow and regular. A curl of smoke rises from a stick of incense smouldering on a small shelf on the wall.

It would be easy to mistake the shelf for a catch-all ledge of parts and junk, save for the incense burner. The burner has been overlaid with computer chips, as though camouflaging itself amidst all the other bits.

Raelon cracks open an eye--the organic one--though his gaze seems out of focus. Stoned, perhaps?

Is he meditating? It looks like it. Juhani doesn't dare to disturb the pregnant silence with words. It would be like barging into a temple at prayer time.

He pulls a nearby chair next to Raelon and sits down on it. If the shaman is meditating, then he might as well follow the lead. He closes his eyes and breathes deep, slowly. Relaxing. Trying to empty his mind, thinking of just plain white everywhere.

Raelon's mouth curls in a smile. "Hey there," he says. His eye clears, as though he's waking up. "My sensors are telling me someone I want to pay attention to has come to see me."

He smiles back shyly in return. "I didn't want to interrupt anything you might have had going on. Can we talk?"

Okay now that sounds loaded, he better tone it down. "I mean, about your shaman duties. I find myself in need of...spiritual guidance as much as I loathe to admit."

Raelon's remaining eye ridge raises in surprise; inside, his gut clenches.

He's still not entirely used to this idea of being a respected part of Sundowner society, and certainly not to being a leadership figure. His job is to sit alone in the dark and tinker with code, not actually get out and talk to people as if he had any idea how to un-fuck their lives when his own is so...

No, wait, he thinks. His life isn't pathetic at all, not any more.

He can do this.

So he nods and says, "Sure Juhani, tell me what's on your mind?"

Getting up is a bit uncomfortable, so he rolls his chair closer instead.

"I, well..." He looks to the side shyly, trying to find the right words to explain. "I'll just say here for background that I've never been much of a religious or spiritual person. Worshipping a deity that hadn't made any appearances didn't really appeal to me, and I hated how much people twisted the message of peace and love into excuse to oppress and murder others. I preferred cold hard science where you could explain things rationally and not just claim 'a wizard did it' and leave it at that. So, I was a secular man of rationality."

Juhani sighs, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. When he continues, he speaks slower.

"That was up until I signed up with the Hierarchy. The spirits...the mainstream version of them, ideas and concepts to be inspired by. I wasn't taken by then but I really liked the concept of spiritual support that would enable the living beings to achieve better. Turian spirits didn't demand blood sacrifice, conversion at sword or segregating people like us by law because someone was offended by two men who loved each other in manner they didn't approve of. They just exist as this...intangible beings that don't give a damn about stuff like I described. I remember how my ex-wife used to joke that I should try praying to Lixis if it would inspire me to learn the language better. I didn't do it though. Back then prayers weren't in my lot."

"That changed with the war. There's a saying amongst the humans, 'There's no atheists in foxholes.' which I feel is very appropriate. Even most devout secularists discover God when they fear for their lives. That wasn't me though. I turned towards your spirits for guidance and prayed. I asked for strength to live another day, strength to protect my daughter and others around me, and if anything else failed, permission to stay with Aira if I died so she'd have someone always watching over her. It was very humbling to ask help in that manner for me. But I lived, so I guess I can forgive myself for that blow to my ego."

He's now watching straight at Raelon, his look serious and hard.

"I feel like I've blundered through my life up until now, and I want to do this right for once. Teach me how to pray to your Sundowners' spirits right. I feel they're closer to me than the soldiers on Epyrus prayed to."

Raelon chuckles, and no sooner does he start when there's a click and his laugh turns into something gritty, rasping, but genuine. He's turned off his voice synthesizer. The laugh Juhani hears is his own.

And when he speaks, he leaves it off. It's no longer the voice that sounded oddly like the Turian Shaman from Galaxy of Fantasy, because that *was* the Turian Shaman from Galaxy of Fantasy, the sound files yanked and repurposed into a voicebox.

Raelon's real voice is raspy and hoarse, barely louder than a whisper through charred vocal cords, but it's real, no technological trickery any more.

"I know exactly where you are coming from. Before the war, I had no interest in anything I couldn't measure with a computer program." His jaw folds into a grin. "I honour you for humbling yourself to protect your daughter. I did my duty for the clan, and I begged a god I didn't know to guard a soul I didn't believe in. You can see where that ended me up."

His head tilts. "You do know that we Sundowners take our deities a lot more literally than the Turian norm. The Hierarchy is quite free thinking, and there are a lot of turians who follow asari, salarian or even hanar religions. The Hierarchy faith is almost more ceremonial, more an assurance of the role of each being in its society, than a literal belief that, as you say, some unseen wizard exists and is going to mess with the natural order of things. That's why, to the Hierarchy, what they care about is not so much what religion you practice as whether you are going to keep honouring the norms of their society and keep your place in it. We're a bit more literal in our unseen wizards, given that they are occasionally prone to slapping us upside the face with revelations."

The sudden change in voice produces a small jolt out of him, surprised to hear Realon's real voice untouched by machine. It was pretty cool sound effect too what he had going there. "Are you trying to make me into a hypocrite too? Raelon just promise me this, if I ever start seem like too fanatic convert, punch me or something like that. I don't want to be like that and I'm not sure if I'll catch it by myself." he smirks, but soon gets back to being serious.

"I don't know what I really want from the spirits or myself, truth to be told...one part, I want to hang onto the secular, hard truth but then I'd discard what gave me power during my weakest moments, and if I embraced that side, I feel like I can't hang onto my old self and anything between would be betrayal to both ends...it seems half-hearted to swear by the spirits and then try look for them to disprove their existence."

"But before I get into that too much...tell me about the spirits Sundowners believe in. I'd like to know what sort of otherworldly beings I'm getting involved with, and secondly, can mortal beings like us become them?"

Raelon's smile is sincere, despite the curls which the scars provide to his upper lip. "I'm trying to tell you that in theory, the Hierarchy won't care what faith you profess; in practice, it might raise a few eye ridges, but no more than your current association with us; and that this bunch around here are going to be rather insistent that you are either wholly committed, or not committed at all. We don't do things by halves. So right now, if anyone asks, tell them you're a seeker or you're learning about our ways; don't claim to practice them until you're ready to stay by that claim forever."

Raelon tilts his head. "Well, we're polytheists, and rather than hear me natter on about computers and the Silver Future...since I'm sure you've already heard plenty of that...let me ask you instead, what do you feel defines you?"

Raelon's reminder of dwelling with the Sundowners reminds Juhani that yes, he's practically one stroke away from intervention and revokement of guardianship and it makes his face sour. "I'll only tell them that I'm looking into the matter out of curiosity and not from true interest of taking up. They'll hang onto anything that could give them excuse to take Aira away and force me into re-education."

"What defines me? Failure...? No, that's not positive, it probably doesn't have a patron to pray to. Do you have any embodiments for change or mediating? I think...no, that's not good. It should be 'I am', not 'I think'." Juhani admonishes himself. "Maybe this was a mistake to ask about this. I'm clearly not ready for this."

"It's not a mistake to ask. You want to learn, don't you? That's why I'm going to educate you, and say you should do some thinking. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What matters most to you? When you know these answers, you'll know which Spirit guides you."

He wonders if he should suggest to Juhani that he already has an idea, that his username on CDN is a clue, but in the end decides to be silent. Juhani needs to figure this out for himself.

"While you're thinking, I guess I could tell you a bit about some of the Spirits that I know of. Anything in particular you find interesting?"

"It is a mistake to ask when the topic could very well put you behind bars!" He blurts out frustrated, but as soon as it happens, Juhani returns to his shell and tries to make himself as unnoticeable as possible. "I don't know anymore, am I a naive idealist or pitiful turncoat, misled rebel or just too retarded for my own good? I spurn one authority and adore the next only to flip them upside down at drop of a hat...I'm unreliable and unpredictable." Was that a sob just now? His eyes are starting to look little red.

"I don't want to be those, I-I want to be respectable and someone people won't look down at, and I'd like to be remembered for something worthwhile like 'Juhani Ragum, the man who negotiated peace between the Flipflops and Zookaboogas' and not 'that wad of shit turiboo who defected to spikebutts for blue dick' but I guess you can't wash that kind of fame away with anything? I'll just be a despicable piece of shit who hasn't gotten the decency to expire already."

"What matters most to me? I guess that's my beloved ball and chains...Aira. She's like the double-edged sword I've heard others speak at the barracks, where one edge stands for hope rewarded and another for wasted. I keep putting her needs ahead, hoping I'll be content when I can see her grow up right and not repeat my mistakes, yet at the same time I fear it's all for naught now with Hierarchy trying to bring her back into the fold because of her being friends with people here, me teaching her to think for herself and not accepting all things told to her at the nursery...daring to try break her out of the mold where billions have been cast prior. It's such a horrible crime to not act like a turian would."

He chuckles with a bitter tone. "I don't suppose your Spirits would have a patron for punishing horrible parents?"

Raelon feels his temper flare. "See, now you're sounding like the old me. The guy who was so obsessed with how useless he thought he was, and so busy crying over the fact that he'd never be a strong soldier with an aim like Vindi's, and so convinced that the only good he could ever do his loved ones was to die for the cause. The guy who completely overlooked that there were people who thought the world of him, that there were things he was very good at, that he was better alive than dead according to everyone but himself. Why do you crave punishment? For fuck's sake Juhani, don't end up like me, don't feel you have to slaughter yourself on an altar to futility before you're worth anything. You are a father and a friend and a man looking to support the good in the universe. Build on those foundations."

His outburst might have had just the right effect on Juhani, who visibly flinches and now stares back with wide eyes. Raelon's been so mellow and high he forgot how he looked or sounded when he was mad. If he had ever seen the turian like it.

But of course Raelon would be mad, he brought this line of logic to its extreme end and sacrificed himself to set off the firebomb! Obviously he'd be upset at Juhani trying to go down the same way. About time he stopped on wallowing on in his self-pity.

"I- you're right. I'm sorry. Let's try this again."

Try think of positive things! Like what Raelon said, father, friend, man looking to support the good in the universe...

"Let's go with the father first. What kind of patron spirits are there for fathers?"

Why did doing the good thing feel so humiliating instead of continuing and wallowing in self-pity?

Raelon warms up. That's a much better tactic for Juhani to be taking, and privately, Raelon believes a much more rewarding calling than a grand and nebulous urge to go down in history.

"An honourable goal and one exemplified by Pater Notre, the First Hearth-Father, said to be the first of the Spirits to take pity on the original colonists of Solregit. He appeared to an older man of their number, a man with no blood children, and told him that he would become the fathers of a people. He showed this man where to found his village, where there would be fertile fields and fresh water; and the man became the heart of the new colony, and a father to all the children born in the town he founded."

"Sounds like just the man a foster father could ask guidance from. Are there any specific rituals associated with him? And sorry in forward already if I make a glaring offense unknowingly."

Pater Notre. Could Juhani see himself addressing his prayers to him for inspiration and help? He wasn't sure yet, but that's why he was here, getting guidance on this matter.

"Don't worry about offending the spirits, Juhani. We're a practical bunch. If you don't intend to be disrespectful you probably won't be."

He tilts his head. "I've been reading a bit about different faiths and I notice a lot of 'em are a lot more formal than we are. We never really had the luxury of building big ashrams or making special objects or wearing fancy clothes or spending ten hours on a long, elaborate ceremony. We had to work with what we had on hand, and again, it's about intention, not about buying the right stuff."

Raelon opens a drawer, rummages, pulls out a stick of incense. "The easiest way to do it is light one of these, greet the Spirit, introduce yourself, say you want to build a relationship. Spirits ain't gonna help some random stranger. You got to get to know 'em. Then sit an' listen an' see what sensations come to you. Oh, and if you're ever somewhere you can't use fire, just crumble the stick and blow it into the wind. Spirits don't want you givin' away your location to the enemy just to burn some incense."

He hands the stick to Juhani, and a moment later, a lighter.

Juhani feels like a goof. He's holding the stick of incense like he didn't know what to do with it. "I feel so conflicted." but he accepts the lighter anyway and lights the stick. Thin trail of smoke begins to rise from it. Juhani shakes the smouldering stick around to spread the smoke, wondering where's the trick. Is it hallucinogenic? Would it work on him? Truth to be told he felt foolish for even trying. Well, here it goes. He draws in deep and begins.

"Pater Notre. Hello. I'm Juhani Ragum, in the service of the Hierarchy as a client. I hope that is alright with you. I'd like to get know you better."

Then he waits.

Raelon waits, giving Juhani time to meditate, but he doesn't want to wait too long. He remembers trying this ritual as a teenager and how, when the skies didn't open and thunder down a rain of computer chips, he'd been convinced he was talking to himself, and nothing out there was listening. He knows how THAT ended up.

So, eventually, he says quietly, "Maybe you've heard a whisper that you think is your intuition or your subconscious. Maybe you haven't, and if not, know that you've set a wheel to turning. It might take some time for that call to be answered in a way you recognize. But you've taken your first step on a journey that will take you somewhere else if you follow through."

He really hopes the Spirits don't need to smack Juhani as hard as they smacked him.