THE SHORT HOUR S1E1: Day Trip to the Hospital

[Drumroll.]

[DWICK (VO)] "AN' NOW IT'S TIME FER..."

[Crash.]

[DWICK (VO)] "DA SHORT HOUR ON DA DWICK DWICKCAST SYNDICATE!

[Cue cartoonish title cards.]

[DWICK (VO)] "Featurin' crowd favorites, like...TETHYS REAVE!"

[More cue cards, each showing a caricature of the actor in question.]

[DWICK (VO)] "CHUCK ROTHUMP! HARGH! MARZ'RAH! Aaaaaaaaaaand...JORGAL DWICK! ASSHOLES AN' FUCKFACES, THIS IS

---

[Darkness, and then, abruptly, static, and a single eye (partly covered by colorful faux-hawk strands) fills the frame.]

[?] ”It’s on. Okay, run the title board.”

I LIED, HOLMES - #T11350

[The figure pulls back into view as a Dwick Dwickcast Syndykyt logo pops into the bottom-right corner of the screen. It’s a familiar face - Chloe Beauchesne, alias ‘Pirouette’. Illium nightclub mogul and veteran of one of the most universally unfortunate reality HV experiences in history..]

[Pirouette] ”Excellent. Everything ready?”

[The view rotates - apparently it’s from one of the smaller, mobile camera drone models, about on par with a handheld. Pirouette’s in a bustling Nos Astra shopping plaza, at the top of a staircase landing. A few meters away, asari hurry in and out of storefronts, and more importantly a gigantic red fist, apparently made from some kind of plaster, has been tied to a rotating pendulum and is being held in place by Pirouette’s fellow ‘The Life Egregious’ alumnus: Tethys Reave.]

[Reave] ”All is in readiness. I merely await your signal.”

[Pirouette] ”Bitchin’.”

[She steps back, making sure to be in the frame alongside Reave, the staircase, and the giant fist, and strikes a pose.]

[Pirouette] ”I’m Pirouette--”

[Reave] ”--and I am Tethys Reave, last Exarch of Shambhala and chosen of the blood-starved celestial lords--”

[Pirouette] ”--and this is the Surprise Right Hook.”

[Reave pulls back and braces the fist in place with all of his enhanced strength, and Pirouette immediately drops to the floor and lets out an ear-splitting scream.]

[Pirouette] ”Help me! Oh, god, somebody help, he’s got a gun!”

[Despite the horrified nature of the shrieking, her eyes are completely calm as she glances expectantly at the staircase. Sure enough, a concerned asari comes running up the steps within five seconds, and Pirouette exchanges a quick glance with Reave.]

[Asari] “Ma’am? Ma’am, are you okay? Where--”

[The drell releases the giant fist, and it whips around and nails the asari head-on with a comical BONK noise. Unfortunately for her, it clearly wins the contest of momentum, and she goes tumbling down the stairs, head-over-heels.]

[Pirouette] ”Pffhahahaha! Oh dogg. That was legit, Reave.”

[Reave] ”Let all tremble before the slapstick mastery bestowed upon me by Amonkira.”

[Both of them jog over to the top of the stairwell and head down the stairs, presumably to shout a catchphrase at the asari. The camera drone, perhaps not totally programmed for this particular mini-show yet, does not follow, and so all we get is audio.]

[Pirouette] ”Straight up cash money, sonidero. Hey! I LIED, H--”

[A pause.]

[Pirouette] ”...Reave?”

[Reave] ”Mm?”

[Pirouette] ”She...that’s, um...she’s dead, isn’t she.”

[Reave] ”I feel no surge of divine approval. She may simply be paraplegic.”

[A crunching noise.]

[Reave] ”Ah, excellent! Ruhman hador!”

[Another pause.]

[Pirouette] ”...we need to leave right now.”

[Cut to black.]

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm commercial break???? what happened

.....

.....


....WHAT.

Did. Did we just see a murder? On holo?




With a goddamned giant hand?

I think I just found a new favorite show.

You haven't watched The Life Egregious before, have you? Because that's relatively tame for Tethys Reave. Or need I link the clip of when he used children as blunt force weapons?

REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAVE

[STT: Crash crash crash yipe growl growl kirok what the hell are you doing oh god hes got a hammer REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAVE]

All I know is that there are like fifty thousand different image macros of this lady entitled I DIED, HOLMES all over my feed.

Shouldn't have watched while eating.

Note to self: When asking myself "was it too much to hope that X was killed/processed/eaten/died of exposure/went bankrupt during the Reaper War," the answer is always YES.

[EXPLOSION]

[A can of some purple drink spins in at 2000 RPM and stops with a screeching sound. Dwick’s face fills the bottom of the screen.]

DWICKOLA! DWICKOLA!

ARE YOU TIRED OF NOT BEING LIKE DWICK!?

DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING LIMP AND TIRED!? BECAUSE OF YOUR PENIS!?

DOES YOUR GIRL HATE YOU!? DOES YOUR BOSS MAKE FUN OF YOU!?

DWICKOLA!

THE ONLY COLA ENDORSED BY DWICK!

JORGAL DWICK

THAT’S RIGHT, THAT DWICK

DWICKOLA!

A RECIPE PASSED DOWN FROM KROGAN TO KROGAN TO KROGAN TO YOOOOOU

DWICKOLA!

OPEN THE TAB! POP THE TOP! GUZZLE IT LIKE A FAT ASSHOLE

YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT FATTY, FATTY LIKES THAT

DON’T YOU, FATTY

DWICKOLA!

USE IT TO GET CHICKS! USE IT TO GET LAID! USE IT TO ENLARGE YOUR PENIS! PEOPLE WILL RESPECT YOU! THEY WON’T TRUST YOU!

OH NO

BUT THEY WILL RESPECT YOU!

DWICKOLA!

IT’S PURPLE BECAUSE OF POWER

[A picture of Dwick screaming flashes on the screen for a millisecond, complete with sound]

EEZO POWER

YOU WANT POWER DON’T YOU

OF COURSE YOU DO

BECOME IRRADIATED WITH POWER

DWICKOLA!

IT’LL MAKE YOU FIGHT BEARS! IT’LL MAKE YOU FUCK WOMEN! IT’LL MAKE YOU PUNCH COPS! PUNCH COPS! DRINK DWICKOLA AND PUNCH COPS! DWICK ENDORSES PUNCHING COPS!

DWICKOLA!

THERE IS A WARNING ON THE SIDE

IGNORE WHAT IT SAYS

DWICKOLA!

DRINK IT YOU FUCKING QUARIAN

I don't need that to fight bears.

Okay.

I have unsubscribed from this filth over a hundred times at this point. And it still keeps cropping up in my feed. Has anyone actually had any success getting it off? Or am I doomed to be bombarded with ads for DWICKOLA!® the rest of my life?

You.

Have.

NO.

Idea.

damn i wonder if i can get that shit shipped here

people at the bar would go nuts for a mixed drink

Friends, I can testify before all nation states at this most premium hour that Dwickola is the king of beverages and you should disseminate hell of cash money for it. Right now in fact I am enjoying a well-meaning six-pack in my DDS drinking helmet and it tastes like rainbows over all the little sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Okay. I'm... that....

That looks oddly delicious.

[Cut to a a rotating holo newsticker with the words “DDS CELEBRITY EXPOSE MINUTE” floating on top of a giant digital representation of Dwick’s head. Everything’s green and purple. The scene fades out, and we’re greeted with the smarmy, over-tanned face of a human with enormous plastic tits grinning like a plastic shark at the camera.]

[ANCHORWOMAN] “Hello. I’m Ilsa Feelgud, and this is your DDS Celebrity Expose Minute. Who here remembers the Qoroq scandal? That’s right, the movie that killed millions and led to a horrible backfire of commercial advertising that led people to believe they were actually being invaded by some kind of alien intelligence. Like, what are the chances of that actually happening, right? People must be so dumb! Well, we recently caught up with the so-called ‘mastermind’ behind the whole fiasco, Mr. Aphin Protretho, on the pleasure-world of Ankari 7. Our journalists managed to sneak into his secret island fortress via boat and surprised him with our own brand of GOTCHA journalism! Let’s watch!”

[The scene changes to show a thick, dense wall of tropical foliage. There’s a cameraman on the right holding up a futuristic boom mike, and a somewhat tanned male human with an improbable hairpiece prettying himself up for the camera. It looks hot, sweaty, and very tropical.]

[ANCHORMAN] “How do I look? Is it crooked?”

[CAMERAMAN] “Your hair’s fine. You’re on in three, two...”

[ANCHORMAN] “Hi, I’m Chuck Rothump, here on Ankari 7. Our sources tell us that the notorious media mogul and so-called ‘master spy’ Aphin Protretho is hiding on this beach, apparently ‘living it up’ on his ‘ill-gotten gains’ that he ‘stole’ from ‘investors’ during the time that the QOROQ movies were being filmed. He doesn’t know we’re here, so we’re going to try and sneak up on him and force an intervi-”

[There’s a sudden rustle of foliage and the sound of a shotgun going off. The camera careens wildly as the camera man panics, and Chuck Rothump’s hair goes flying as a wild shot takes off his toupee. By the time the camera regains balance, it focuses on an old-looking salarian with numerous cybernetic implants pointing a shotgun at the camera. Behind him are a pair of asari in revealing trikinis, one of them holding a bottle of ruxxia, the other a glass with presumably more ruxxia and various bits of exotic fruit. Oddly, red sand seems to be coating the glass. The most surprising bit, however, is the salarian is wearing a gaudy hawaiian shirt, a panama hat, unflattering shorts, socks up to his knees, and the most ridiculous pair of oversized novelty sunglasses ever designed for salarian eyes. A cigarette dangles out of his thin-lipped mouth. He cocks the shotgun and glares at the camera, eyes smoldering with elderly rage.]

[APHIN PROTRETHO] “I TOLD YOU GODDAMNED PAPARAZZI TO GET THE SHRELL OFF MY ISLAND OR I WILL CASTRATE YOU, YOU FUCKING MAMMAL BASTARDS!”

[The shotgun rings out. There’s nothing but red dripping over the camera. Then, static. The camera cuts back to Ilsa Feelgud, who is apparently recovering from the display of violence as only a newswoman can - by ignoring it. She smiles brightly at the camera, eyes turgid with fear.]

[ILSA FEELGUD] “We seem to be having technical difficulties! DDS Celebrity Expose Minute will return right after these messages! Don’t touch that dial!”

Lot of technical difficulties today.

Heh.

...

WELL

IT'S NICE TO KNOW HE'S STILL ALIVE

NOT, YOU KNOW, DEAD

AGAIN

AND CERTAINLY NOT SLUMMING IT UP ON SOME HOBO BACKWATER PLANET WITHOUT ELECTRICITY OR CLEAN WATER OR DEPENDABLE FOOD OR PEOPLE STANDING AROUND HATING HIM FOR HIS VERY EXISTENCE OR ANYTHING

NICE TO KNOW HE'S DOING WELL,

YES

IT

IS

YES IT FUCKING SHRELLDAMMIT IS