SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) - S1E2: "THE SPHINX APPROACHETH!"

[This episode starts out in a completely different animation style. A cheaper one, to be precise. The art is... well done, technically speaking, but there are huge gaps of animation between frames and there are maybe 10 frames a second - if that. Everything has a weird, grainy feel, as if actually drawn on plastic - an errant hair squiggles through the screen as the intro rolls through, writhing like a crazed worm as various parts of space explode to Smith’s LAZER HANDS. If that’s not enough, the entire intro song has been replaced with a woman warbling like an idiot.

At the very end of the intro, the words “AMINATED BY BATTARAIN AMINATION SUSUSTUDIOS” crawl along guiltily at the bottom.

The errant hair’s origin becomes ominous.]



1.2 - "THE SPHINX APPROACHETH!"

DDS Weekly Holo's Epysode Plot Synopsys: Still riding the high from their battle with the Zorblags, The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) Crew are summoned to investigate a Prothean ruin along the rim of the Galaxy. Reaper Lord Dreadzalon has taken a sudden interest there. Setting out to investigate, they are confronted by another of Dreadzalon’s forces – a creature of formidable strength whom they must beat in a battle of wits.

Huh, guess they found a new studio for effects and animation.

A slight improvement in production quality perhaps?

I've been looking forward to this.

So who else has given up on trying to unsubscribe to this channel? Every time I've tried I've ended up placing another order for Eightball's most premium crazy straws or "I LIED, HOLMES", the board game.

[We join the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) aboard the SPACE SHEPARD, which shows none of the damage it suffered only an episode ago. If anything, the ship itself looks sharper and more unnecessarily detailed than ever - there are ridges and spinning lights everywhere.

It also looks extremely badly animated, and the limited color palette isn’t doing it any favors. The colors seem limited to yellow, cyan, light cyan, and magenta. It’s like watching a hanar puke.

Jack Smith stands at the helm of this ship, his back to the camera (as if his face would make him more recognizable). If anything, his uniform does more to distinguish himself as one of the PROTECTOR(Z) - even colored in Hanar Puke Whatever, he still maintains the badly drawn cut of the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) fashion line. It’d almost be heroic if it wasn’t incredibly laughable. Suddenly Jack opens his mouth, and in the worst example of animation ever, his gums flap up and down about two inches below his massive chin, so it appears his chest is talking.]

[JACK SMITH] “SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)! Wasn’t that a great mission for us to do? Ha ha ha!”

[Who’s the first to pipe up? Yeah. Him.]

[ZIP] “Yeah! I can’t believe how quickly the Zorblags lost! Heehee!”

[For those at home, we suggest cramming your ears full of razor wire. It may sting, but it can’t be any worse than Zip’s voice. The voice actor sounds like an asari on huff.

The audience is treated to three frames of Jack Smith laughing eeriely at the camera.]

[JACK SMITH] “Ha ha ha! That’s the spirit, Zap!”

[The color scheme goes to red so fast it’s like someone threw a layer of cellophane on it. The colors clash with... everything, but since a batarian is going "AOOOOGA, AOOOOGA" into a soundbooth microphone somewhere, we can assume that this is some sort of alarm!]

[JACK SMITH] “Oh no! It’s the PROTECTOTRON! Protectorz! To the telepods!”

[ZIP] “You got it, Cap’m! Zoip!”

[All four of the Protector(z) - including the two who weren’t on the screen a minute ago - suddenly rush for some tubes called “telepods.” For some reason, the Sari the asari is colored like a human. There’s a five-second animation of the “telepods” (best described as SO MANY STROBES), and with a FLASH the PROTECTOR(Z) appear in Morro’s office. The volus is having a panic attack and pointing desperately at a map.

A paper map.

Tacked up on his wall.]

[MORRO] “With great delight: Space Protector(z), thank the great elcor you are here! Jitteringly: There is some bad news happening on Thor 27, Smith! Looks like Dreadzalon has uncovered an ancient prothean ruin!”

[JACK SMITH] “PROTHEANS, YOU SAY. This could be very bad! What do we know about these... RUINS?”

[Morro clicks on the paper map - yes, he’s clicking on it, making it EXPAND, it’s obvious there was some miscommunication somewhere between the DDS and the cheap batarian animation team - and the paper map expands to show a picture of what appears to be a … sphinx? A human sphinx? In a desert?

Slappy the talking pyjack leaps up onto the desk in a whole three frames of animation.]

[SLAPPY] “HEY! Dat looks like my great-aunt Bracksprit!”

[MORRO] “Thunderously! Oooooooh, Slappyyyyyyyy!!!!!”

[The Space Protector(z) inexplicably laugh as Slappy does an innocent shrug. It is the most pandering expression ever drawn by unskilled batarian hands. The humor disappears just as inexplicably, as Jack Smith’s face becomes SUPER SERIOUS and he frowns nobly into the camera.]

[JACK SMITH] “Right! Whatever it is, it must be important if Dreadzalon wants it! Space Protector(z)! To Thoar’s sacred chamber!”

[The Space Protector(z) vault out of the room at top speed, heading down the hallway (that wasn’t there before) to the badly looped midi file that someone at DDS must’ve resurrected from an ancient video game. It’s about as exciting and daring as you could make it with three frames a second, especially with Schreck disappearing every few frames. After a minute of this repetitive nonsense, the Space Protector(z) suddenly arrive in the SACRED CHAMBER OF THE PROTECTRON. Thoar is sitting in the middle of the sacred circle, presumably meditating. It is not a very good krogan. Hell, it’s not even a circle, really.

The animation team does get one thing right, though. He is HUGE, easily taking up two thirds of the room by himself. TOO HUGE, in fact. Unfortunately, he stays that same size as the Space Protector(z) walk up to him.

Perception is an unheard of artistic element on Khar’Shan, apparently.]

[THOAR] “Space Protector(z), you have come to indulge in my wisdom again. What brings you to my humble, gentle, and entirely non threatening presence today, oh Space Protector(z)?”

[SCHRECK] “Oh, we’re just looking to get ourselves --”

[There is a remarkable cut to Thoar laughing, right in the middle of whatever it was Schreck was saying. Either incomplete sentences are hilarious to enlightened krogan, or someone was asleep at the editing desk.]

[THOAR] “HAH HAH HAH! As always you amuse me Schreck but as you can see I have nothing of the sort here today! Still, I sense you come here for a mission - a dangerous mission, yes?”

[JACK SMITH] “Indeed we do, Thoar. We need to power of the dark energy!”

[More chuckling.]

[THOAR] “Then step into the sacred Z’s!”

[Thoar’s voice rumbles over a long, gratuitious shot of the Space Protector(z) getting their powers. Cue loads of Technicolor flashing, and a voice over clearly meant to tell the kids what these heroes can do.

It is literally a xerox taken from the first episode, gratuitious animation and all.]

[THOAR] “WITH MY POWER, JACK SMITH OF THE HUMANS, YOUR CYBERNETICS WILL INCREASE IN POWER TEN FOLD. YOU NOW HAVE THE STRENGTH AND SPEED OF TEN MEN.”

[Cue Jack Smith adopting a pseudo-kung fu pose and lashing out with the palms of his hands, which shoot LASER BLASTS (PYOO PYOO PYOO) and a LASER KUNG-FU KICK.]

[THOAR] “TO YOU, SARI, MY POWER WILL INCREASE YOUR PSYCHIC AND BIOTIC ABILITIES BETTER THAN ANY ASARI.”

[Cue Sari clasping her hands and floating serenely into the air, her head-tentacles waving up and down and glowing with PHENOMENAL COSMIC ENERGY At the last moment, she pulls out her hands, forming a BALL OF ENERGY, which she shoots. The camera follows the ball as it whizzes by Zip.]

[THOAR] “TO YOU, ZIP, MY POWER WILL UNLOCK THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE TO YOUR MIND, ALLOWING YOU TO BEND TIME AND SPACE WITH YOUR WILL ALONE.”

[Cue Zip swinging a wrench like a conductor’s baton, creating both an omnitool on his hand - and a ship from thin air that blasts off, flying by Scheck.]

[THOAR] “AND TO YOU, SCHECK, I GIVE YOU ‘PERFECT TURIAN AIM.’ NO ONE SHALL ESCAPE YOUR DEADLY SHOTS FROM YOUR TWIN SILVER PISTOLS.”

[Cut Schreck rolling forward in some commando roll, peeking from side to side, then shooting at a conveniently placed, anachronistic archery target with ‘perfect turian aim.’ It naturally blows up.]

[THOAR] “WITH THESE POWERS, YOU ARE: THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)!”

[GROUP POSE.

In comes BEEP BOOP THE ROBOT, which looks like a small round droid on anachronistic treads and bendy arms.]

[BEEP BOOP] “BEEP BOOP BEEP! YOUR SHIP IS READY, SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)! GET INTO THE SPACE SHEPARD!”

[Cut to a scene of the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) running down a hallway - using about four frames of animation and a repeating background – to the SPACE SHEPARD (how exactly it got to the Citadel Docks during their absence is a mystery). The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) grab handrails hanging from the ceiling and are lifted into their spots on the ship, which are separated so the toy can separate into FOUR SEPARATE SHIPS later on.]

[SARI] “Sari, ready!”

[ZIP]“Zip, ready, blerp!”

[SCHRECK] “Schreck, READY.”

[JACK SMITH] “Jack Smith, ready! Ignite thrusters! Set coordinates! GO SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)!”

[The music comes tumbling in at full volume to play the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) THEME.]

THEME:

SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
PROTECTING SPACE! FOR THE HUMAN RACE! (Slappy: “DAT’S US”)
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
WHEN EVIL SHOWS FACE, THEN WE’LL GIVE CHASE!
JACK IS THE LEADER
[Jack: “Let’s go, team!”]
SCHECK IS REALLY COOL
[Schreck: “Let’s take ‘em down!”]
ZIP IS THE COOL MACHINE KID
[Zip: “You know it! TEE HEE!”]
SARI THE HEART OF THE TEAM
[Sari (nearly inaudible): “Asari forces...activate!”]
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
[Keyboard sounds; apparently the soundtrack team couldn’t think of a good closing line.]

SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!

THIS SHOW IS SO COOL!!!!!!!

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES

[VO] “OH NO! EVIL REAPER LORD DREADZALON HAS BROKEN OUT OF THE SECOND DIMENSION!”

[A shadow looms over the horizon with Dreadzalon’s trademark over-animated eyes!]

[VO] “AND HE’S COMING TO KILL YOUR FAMILY!”

[DREADZALON] "AHAHAHAHAH! SOON, EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE!"

[He raises a shadowed claw over a picture of a very … well. Human family. Suddenly he’s blasted off the screen by a green technicolor blast! The camera spins round - just to catch a cartoon child pumping a fist into the air--and wearing...well...this!]



[Back to Dreadzalon, who’s collaping from the blow!]

[DREADZALON] “NOOOOOO! NOT THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) SENSOGOGGLES!!!!”

[VO] “THAT’S RIGHT! The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) SENSOGOGGLES! Never fear the Reapers again with this amazing device from SATAE TOYS!”

[The kid raises his arms wide as he advances on Dreadzalon.]

[VO] “Now with THREE DIFFERENT FEATURES, including PROTECTOR VISION and SMART THOUGHT!”

[A GREEN SHIELD forms over the human family, and a PURPLE BUBBLE appears around his head!]

[ANNOYINGLY HIGH-PITCHED HUMAN CHILD] “Never fear, the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) are here!”

[The Space Protector(z) appear behind the child, posing like badasses. The child presses a button on the side of the Sensogoggles, revealing the third feature: HEAT VISION.

Dreadzalon screams offscreen.]

[VO] “The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) SENSOGOGGLES - only on sale from SATAE TOYS! Buy it - so Dreadzalon can’t kill your family!”



[DISCLAIMER VO] ”SATAE TOYS is in no way affiliated with the Systems Alliance Transitional Administration on Earth.”

WAIT WHA

Oh. That's either the most unfortunate trademark in the galaxy or the most unorthodox marketing scheme in the galaxy.

Again, whoever is playing Dreadzalon must be having a lot of fun with his role, even in adverts.

Does anyone else think it would be really entertaining to see tons of children running around with those things on thinking they look cool?

There needs to be more batarian animation out in the galaxy.

...you're joking, right?

Not at all - this stuff is hilariously bad. I wish I'd encountered it before.

[We come back to an establishing shot of our unnamed planet (which has been helpfully described as “THOR 27” in the callout text) with a small crystalline asteroid field around it. The crystal painting looks inexplicably pretty, somehow - perhaps it’s because the batarians crudly interpreted “crystals” as “sparkly, green and tetrahedral.”

As we watch the still picture, the SPACE SHEPARD comes zooming toward it at four frames a second - every other frame stuttering closer. It looks oddly off-model, and it isn’t until it reaches the 1:1 scale point that we see why. The damned animators painted it in upside down.

Cut to the inside of the Shepard, with Jack Smith once again facing the viewscreen. Naturally, it has the same perspective as the establishing shot. Schreck juggles his pistols behind him, his motions making very liberal use of animation smears. He glances at Jack.]

[SCHRECK] “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Jack.”

[JACK SMITH] “So do I, old chum. But we can’t do anything about it. The Alliance... is on the line.”

[Zip pops into the frame (from the ceiling, for some reason), pointing frantically at the viewscreen.]

[ZIP] “GEE WHIZ, Jack Smith! You’re right -- LOOK!”

[The computer zooms down to the surface of the planet in several stages - finally revealing what appears to be a huskified sphinx sitting in front of a large obsidian sphere. The sphinx’s eyes burn red as the creature stands implacable against the swirling sands. Several jutting metal shards rise out of the ground, shining in the dying half-light. It is the most metal album cover ever.

Schreck asks the most obvious question possible.]

[SCHRECK] “Is that...the Sphinx?”

[ZIP] Reaper Lord Dreadzalon’s Demon Princess? Oh, NOOOOOO!”

[SARI] “By the holy goddess, surely it must be!”

[Nope. No animation for the asari, sorry.]

[JACK SMITH] “Easy, men. We won’t know anything until we go down there. Zip. Take us down.”

[ZIP] “Uh, okay, then! You got it, cap’m Jack!”

[They land on Thor 27. It is a desert planet, a set of thickly-painted, two-toned sand dunes painted against a smeared purple sky. The ship itself is clearly a second layer superimposed on the first, as it flies straight through one of the dunes during the landing sequence. It’s a terrible scene to lay on a kid when you get past the terrible art style - dark and ominous, a visual minefield of oppression and demonic overtones.

So, naturally, Zip shatters the mood like a rock through a window.]

[ZIP]“GAWRSH, Jack! Looks pretty terrible out here! I suuuuure wouldn’t want a vacation spot here!”

[JACK SMITH] [Chuckling] “Agreed, my smart salarian friend. Still. We should be careful. Everybody, arm up. We need to go see what this... SPHINX has to tell us.”

[Cut to an incredibly brief montage of Scheck stuffing pistols into his pants and Sari waving fruitlessly in the air, then of them stepping out of the ship. They barely make two steps outside the ship, however, when THE SPHINX winks into existence right in front of them. - its enormous, stylistically empty head taking up most of the camera.]

[ZIP] “YIPE!”

[SCHRECK] “WHOA!”

[Zip hides behind Schreck.]

[SPHINX] “PUSTULANT MAGGOTS FEEDING ON A CORPSE LONG DEAD, WHY HAVE YOU COME HERE TO DISTURB MY ETERNAL SLUMBER, USELESS SCIONS OF AN IDIOTIC GOD.”

[Jack Smith steps forward, raising a hand.]

[JACK SMITH] “Are you...the SPHINX OF LEGEND?”

[SPHINX] ”I AM MANY THINGS, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM, VOICE ACTOR OF A LESSER PEOPLE. WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME.”

[SARI] “We are here to put an end to your nefarious schemes, foul SPHINX!”

[There is a surge of biotic light as the Sphinx raises his wings. Mighty winds buffet the group from all sides as the same seven frames of sandstorm hit them in the face over and over again.]

[SPHINX] “FILTHY FLEAS ON THE DYING FLESH OF A WORTHLESS DEITY, GENUFLECT BEFORE ME. YOUR CLAIMS WOULD BE LAUGHABLE WERE THEY NOT SO PITEOUSLY FRAIL. TELL ME OF YOUR POWER, CREATURES. PROVE TO ME YOUR WORTH BEFORE I SHOWER YOU WITH THE CRIMSON BANE OF ARR-THOR.”

[Zip makes a high-pitched, two-frame shudder.]

[ZIP] “Jack! Jack! I don’t think we can fight this guy! He’s too strong!”

[JACK SMITH] “Too strong? Maybe. But We have BRAINS on our side! No simple-minded husk can defeat us!”

[SPHINX] “OH CAN WE NOT, OH HE WITH THE MASTERFULLY IMPOTENT OF THE LIMBIC AND CEREBRAL SYSTEMS? ARE YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES SO BRAZENLY IMPOTENT, SUCH AS THEY ARE, THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THAT YOU PROSTRATE YOURSELVES BEFORE TETHYS--”

[There is a very obvious audio splice.]

[SPHINX] [Continuing] “--THE SPHINX, MASTER OF RIDDLES AND DEMON MINDTAKER OF A MILLION CIVILIZATIONS?!”

[JACK SMITH] “YES, YES WE CAN, OH TERRIBLE SPHINX!”

[Jack Smith stands up, brave and awesome, against the storm, like some kind of human god. The sand whirls around him like a maelstrom. You can hear a hundred fanfictions being written at this moment.

The Sphinx, however, splits into four near-identical figures (three being obviously more transparent than the first) and surrounds the heroes. Zip spins around, waving his screwdriver wildly.]

[SPHINX] “THEN BEFORE I TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB WITH THE DIVINE POWER GIVEN TO ME BY Lord Dreadzalon, YOU SHALL ANSWER MY RIDDLES. ARE YOU PREPARED, SMALL SIMIAN MORSEL BORNE ON AN UGLY SHORE?”

[ZIP]“I don’t know about this, yoip!”

[JACK SMITH] “Steady on, Zip. Steady on.... We’re ready, Sphinx!”

[SPHINX] “VERY WELL.”

[The other three Sphinxes suddenly leap into the air, shooting into the sky and flapping their wings. The one standing before them rears its legs, and we get a close-up of him baring his fangs.

The next piece of dialogue features no lipsync whatsoever.]

[SPHINX] “TELL ME NOW, ON THE SHORES OF THIS OBSIDIAN SEA, THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE:”

GAZE UPON ME, YOU SHALL SEE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOW TO ME.
I HAVE NO SKIN, MY FACE IS SLICK
I CAN'T BE FOOLED, CANNOT BE TRICKED
AND NOT DESTROYED, BUT SIMPLY CRACKED
YOU AND YOURS SHALL E'ER STARE BACK.

[The Sphinx winks out of existence, but his last words are a deafening roar.]

[SPHINX] ”YOU HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES. WHERE AM I?”

[Zoom in on Jacks’ shocked face. Go to commercial.]

REAAAAAAAAAVE

no, man. that's the sphinx.

I cannot get enough of this show. As for the riddle, cannot be destroyed, only cracked- Cannot be tricked.. Is .. is it a mirror?

A reflection, I think.

The real question, of course, is what exactly it's symbolizing or hinting at in the context of the hidden message.

I... don't think I can follow this.

So apparently a man named Jack and his assistants are sent by a volus talking like an eclor to talk to a krogan over an ancient earth statue, and then... some dark force thing appears... and then I think a child fights it off... or was it Jack?

Then there's something about the statue being evil and then... I just stopped trying to keep track of what was going on.

This is a children's show, right? How is this for kids?

uh, the thing with the kid was a commercial

hence, you know, the whole thing about buying shit

That said, this entire show is irritating - and I mean physically, not to mention hideously racist. Do you people seriously think we sound like Zip?