SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) - S1E1: "SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), ASSEMBLE!"

why is volus guy voiced by elcor?

Confused: Why is the volus stating his emotional state before speaking? Occassionally breaking form?

Befuddled: I understand why someone would associate that with an elcor (Obviously). Since when do volus do that?

Conclusion: They couldn't get an elcor to participate in this idiocy. I am proud that my species universally retains its sense of decency.

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES
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DWICKOS! DWICKOS!

[Picture of a krogan holding a box of Dwick-O's]

PUT SOME DWICK IN YOUR MOUTH!

[Shot of a kid and a krogan whelp, both spooning Dwick-O's into their mouths]

DWICKOS! DWICKOS! DWICKOS!

[Shots of Dwick wrestling a bear]

OH MY GOD IT'S DWICKOS!

[Shot of kids being REALLY EXCITED about DWICKOs]

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO TASTE IT!

[An asari sexually places a Dwick-O into her mouth]

DWICKOS!

[Explosion]

DWICKOs is part of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.

[Shot of a box of DWICKOS on a platter that also holds three apples, an orange, four strips of bacon, and a pair of varren steaks.]

DWICKOs should not be consumed by any species dependent on dextro-based proteins.

[Shot of a silhouette of both a turian and a quarian, with a big X over it.]

Should a dextro-dependent species ingest DWICKOs in any way, please consult your nearest Poison Control facility.

[Shot of a faceplate with a grimace, complete with tongue sticking out, painted on its front.]

DWICKOS!

[Explosion.]

Friends, please to not be confusing DwickOs with O'Dwicks, which is in fact an Irish Tuchankan bar quite proximal to my Most Prestigious Nightclub.

This has caused many an accidental brawl in the blue vajin streets.

Irish... Tuchunkan bar? But krogan are not- how can someone from one species claim the nationality of a different spe- that's- Irish Krogan, that doesn't even-

O...Kay. So on the old board, I never used to pay attention whenever some extranet studio would post sponsored vids, because the programs were pretty much universally terrible. This is is no exception. And even though I'm fully aware of the horrible, brain melting implications of 'putting some Dwick in my mouth' (I mean, Jesus! Really!?) but...

Why do I now really want to eat some Dwick Os?

"Oh my God it's Dwick Os / You know you want to taste them"

...Goddamnit, it's well and truly stuck in my head now!

Edit: oh and doc? I'm totally with you there.

[Bulk and Blade are inside the dreadnought, which is floating amongst some asteroids. Apparently, this counts as an "ambush."]

Blade: [Snarling sounds] "Excellent. All we have to do is wait! Those Space Protector(z) buffoons will be here any minute! And when they are, I will unleash the full might of our husk fighter jets on them!"

Bulk: [Slobbery noises] "AND BULK CRUSH PROTECTOR(Z) WITH BIG SPACE MISSILES!"

[Bulk begins to smash his mighty fists against the controls. Blade hisses at him.]

Blade: "Careful, you brainless bimbotron! If you launch a missile too early, you'll give us away!"

Bulk: "BULK KNOW THAT! BULK NOT DUMB!"

Blade: "Brother, you are a - wait! Our Reaper Radar is going off! The Space Protector(z) should be here any moment!"

[Bulk's eyes go comically wide and he leans forward, rubbing his hands (a three-frame loop that plays as long as he speaks.]

Bulk: "AND THEN, BULK WILL SMASH PUNY PROTECTOR(Z)!"

[A dramatic sting plays. The scene fades out, only to fade back in a moment later with decidedly more chipper music, showing a single-pronged mass relay that fires up. Out of it comes the Space Shepard, big and toyetic.]

Jack Smith: "Alright, Space Protector(z), we're in the system. Make sure you put the Sonic Scanners on full power! We need to keep an eye out for anything strange in the system!"

Zip: "On it! Hee hee!"

[Zip jumps from his seat to the control panel (being comically small) and whacks the side of a dial with his wrench. The scene immediately cuts back to the SPACE SHEPARD as it streaks through space (shown by crudely-drawn vapor trails). The front of its wings begin blinking on and off.]

Zip: "Sonic Scanners ready! Hey Jack, what're we lookin' for, anyway?"

Jack Smith: "Anything unusual, Zip. Anything that isn't... right."

[Close-up on Jack Smith's lantern jaw as he PONDERS WHAT ISN'T RIGHT. Jump cut to Schreck, who's performing gunplay while slouched in his seat, feet up against the controls like the ultimate 80's "cool kid," and Sari, whose single animation frame is the only confirmation of her existence. Suddenly, Zip's badly animated display beeps!]

Zip: "Jack! Jack! Something's going crazy with the Sonic Scanners! What could it be?!"

[The animation flies past Zip to the computer screen, where a helpful display shows the deaf and stupid that the readout you see is, indeed, for the SONIC SCANNERS. It shows the asteroid field as a crude drawing, and two yellow dots blink regularly against it. Jump cut to just above it, where Jack has inexplicably appeared.]

Jack Smith: "I'll tell you what it is, Zip. It's trouble."

Shreck: "Trouble, huh. I'll show it trouble. Trouble with a capital T."

Jack Smith: "Careful, old chum. We don't know what it is they're planning. Better to be safe than sorry. Zip! Convert the Space Shepard to STEALTH MODE."

Zip: "ROGER ROGER!"

[A few button pushes later, and the Space Shepard is changing configuration - which means the wings fold back, the cockpits move forward, and the jets go from red to blue. Obviously this is another function of what the toy does. It appears completely useless, uses a bunch of strobe lighting, and it takes a whole minute to go through the process.]

Zip: "Stealth mode achieved, Jack! Blip!

[Meanwhile, on the dreadnought, Bulk and Blade are looking at a display that says "SPACE SHEPARD"... which suddenly winks out!]

BLADE: "WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FEED? HELMSMAN, REPORT!"

Husk Helmsman, in a Third-Reich-Style Outfit: "I DON'T KNOW, SIR! MAYBE THEY WENT TO STEALTH MODE!"

Bulk: "RAAGHHHHH! PUNY ALIENS, USING PUNY ALIEN TRICKS! BULK SHOW ALIENS BULK'S STRENGTH!"

Blade: "BULK, NO--"

[Blade reaches out, but is too late! Bulk's fist comes crashing down on a novelty-size Big Red Button, leaving a crater in its wake. Jump cut to the outside of the ship, which fires two 50's-era missiles, straight at the SPACE SHEPARD! Blade's VO cuts over the missile launch.]

Blade: "You fool! You were too early with the shot!"

[Back on the SPACE SHEPARD]

Jack Smith: "Shreck! Missiles! Hard to port, old bean!"

[In a flash, Schreck springs forward, going from lounging against the throttle to yanking it hard to the right. Dozens of missiles fly past the Space Shepard - but one of them hits!]

Shreck: "No good, Jack! One of them hit us! We're going down!"

Jack Smith: "Zip! Calculate an emergency landing pattern on that asteroid! We're going to have to make an emergency landing!

Zip: "Y-y-you got it, boss!"

[Zip begins calculating away (which inexplicably involves the use of a screwdriver and a pair of tweezers on the controls). Meanwhile, back on the dreadnought:]

Bulk: "HAH, BULK MAKE HIT!"

Blade: "Yes, thanks to my brilliant calculations!"

[Bulk looks at him in shock, but has no time to react before Blade points at the windshield.]

Blade: "HELMSMAN! Plot a course for that asteroid!"

[Jump cut to the outside of the dreadnought as it makes an unnecessarily stylish (and choppy) landing at the asteroid. Fade to commercial as melodramatic music plays.]

I can already tell Bulk and Blade are the best part of this show.

I don't understand a single thing that's going on with this thrice-damned show.

Their flying

...

it

...

gahhhhh

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES

Wait. Aphin who?

I'm half-way through my third bottle of Batarian ale, but I think I'm starting to understand what's going on.

This show was made by an insane Krogan.

Put some Dwick in your mouth? Already did that.

I regret the day when I decided it was a good idea to debate him.

That Ad was the best thing in this entire show.

I think I'll just have an intern do this for a couple of hours so I don't have to. Spirits protect him/her.

Okay, based on your response to the show so far, which action figure would you like to see made first?

Trying to expand my creative horizon by writing fanfiction for the show. Do you think it would be inapropriate to have Sari date the entire team?

There is literally one episode of this damned thing online.

ONE.

AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED IT ALL YET.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WRITING FANFICTION OF IT, YOU INSIPID, MORONIC, UTTERLY WORTHLESS TOAD.

I...guess you couldn't go wrong with the human as an action figure. Lead character and all that. So...Jack Smith. Or Slappy.

He's a salarian who practices asari pole dancing. Are you really that surprised?


Blade.