Blood Money [Citadel]

"I'm...I have exceptions, but I have a very strong type. And I think I'm getting pickier as I'm getting older?"

Kayana kept sipping her coffee, watching the table. "I can do that. Well, some of the time. There are people much better than me. I teach little kids, and I'm always trying to get real experts in. But I knew enough that I didn't die, which is always a plus."

"I - I've done nothing but fight for my entire life for a cause I realize now was wrong. Do you have any idea what that's like? To have to regret the majority of my adult life?" She looked up from her tapping fingers up at her Drell conversation partner. "I'm sorry for making this uncomfortable. I - So .."

She collected herself and unfolded tinted glasses and put them on. "So you volunteer at the Temple? Do they need workers? I worked with SpacePope before he died and ..well, I haven't heard much of the church there now. I presume there's a new priest."

The eyebrow raised again. "...We need polytheistic drell who want to live our culture."

"I'm married to the junior priest. And I like how it connects me to my people. I don't have a lot of family, other than him." She bit her lip, looking a little awkward. "Okay, uncomfortable it is. The other-people's-causes thing. Is it that you don't trust your own moral judgement or that you want to score points to get back to 'morally neutral'?"

"I don't think I trust my own moral judgement. I think I'm a bad person. I can't forgive myself for what I've done so I try to do as much good as possible and try to forget, but I simply can't." She rubbed her face and rest her elbows on the table. "I can't forget. I can't forgive myself for what I've done and I want to try to make the world a better place. Please - I don't mean to intrude on your business or charity. I'm lost and I don't know what to do."

"You're not intruding. I just think there's, like, two kinds of causes."

"Type one is like, those people need food, give them food. And that shit needs to get done, and the people who do it are awesome, but yeah anyone's money will do. The ideal Leaving the Ducts is type one. They always need more dudes."

"Type two is when you're like, pulling a culture apart to get rid of the bullshit. It takes years, and you need leaders and experts and a lot of the time you need actual role models from the group. Most Drell Rights stuff is Type Two. That means we don't have a lot to offer you."

"I think you need to find your gods. Not mine." She narrowed her eyes. "Like, just watch a group for awhile before you try and jump in. Just like, focus on them and see how they treat different groups of people. Right now you're dabbling with everyone."

Sarah leaned back in her chair and looked over the drell as she made her point. "You're right, Kayana. Thank you. I suppose I'm going at this life the wrong way. I should try to focus on forgiving myself and letting go of the past. It's not who I am anymore, why do I mope about it?" She shrugged.

She slowly rose to a stand. "Thank you for the tea. I hope my donation helps you."