[MHRP] I don't need your Civil War

Okay.

This is going to seem like a weird endorsement of MHRP and will probably speak volumes about me as an individual, but.

The reason Iron Man wasn't in this session was because I was out on a date with someone. The date didn't go very well, sadly, but that's not the point.

The point is, after reading this, I desperately wish I had blown off the date and played MHRP with Zoftan and co instead.

THAT IS HOW AWESOME HE IS

I am in awe.

You guys are made of WIN!

A preview, presented without context:

In this week's upcoming writeup, Deadpool fires an M-252 mortar cannon into the Capitol Building while Congress is in session.

It...

It got worse.

"You got some 'splainin' to do."

Dramatis Personae

CLOD as STEVE "CAPTAIN AMERICA" ROGERS - first and foremost of the Avengers, sentinel of liberty, slayer of dragons, giver of speeches.

KIROK as TONY "IRON MAN" STARK - second-in-command and financial backer, who has enough tech to level a city block but still keeps a martini mixer in his suit.

TECHOPTRYX as MARC "MOON KNIGHT" SPECTOR - steadily building a collection of signature supervillain weapons as he kills them and takes the trappings of their identities.

DIPPY as WADE "DEADPOOL" WILSON - jumped out of a moving plane to catch Moonstone, mistakenly believing she was the ambassador's daughter. I think that really says all that needs to be said.

STEEL as PETER "SPIDER-MAN" PARKER - spends a solid half of this session alongside J. Jonah Jameson, and for giving me that opportunity, Steel, I thank you.

MARDUK as UATU THE WATCHER - who is always watching, but must never interfere.

Issue 9 - Capitol Punishment


It comes as little surprise that superhumans have been very much in the public eye lately, and a source of considerable debate in the media. Let's briefly review:

1) Two months ago, the Scarlet Witch went crazy and depowered a huge chunk of the global mutant population.

2) A month later, a concerted supervillain attack broke a bunch of metahuman criminals out of the Raft. They're STILL trying to round up all the escapees, although much progress has been made along those lines.

3) It became evident that a metahuman extranational attack had been mounted, one year prior, on the capital of a foreign nation, with the intent of assassinating its leader. And no one had been told about it.

4) Said attack turned out to have been only partially successful, and the leader in question staged a giant superhuman battle in the middle of Hell's Kitchen, then summoned a dragon from another dimension, which proceeded to rampage through the neighborhood and cause millions of dollars worth of damage before being put down.

As such, the media narrative lately has been very heavily focused on whether society can continue with all these hero/villain smackdowns in public places and the damage they tend to cause. There are bright spots, at least. For example, in the previous issue, Moon Knight and Deadpool rescued a federal airliner full of gold. What's more, they did it without any damage to the hostages and captured the criminals responsible at great personal risk.

<Moon_Knight> (only some of the gold was missing, presumably lost during boarding and not at all weighing down the mooncopter)
<Zoftan> Presumably.
<Deadpool> (indeed.)
<Moon_Knight> (Deadpool and MK are absolutely not wearing matching Rolexes or anything of the sort)

...The point (which our heroes are trying hard to disprove) is that the spin on superheroes hasn't been wholly sour lately. Still, as they relax at Stark Tower and watch the news, they discover that Congress is proposing legislature that would provide an accountability system for superhumans - kind of a "who watches the watchmen" type thing.

Yeah, it's that event.

<&Iron_Man> :|
<Zoftan> Feel free to discuss this in-character; right now you're just watching MSNBC as some talking heads go over the bill that just came up.
* Captain_America hasn't taken a sip from his martini in a while. He's visibly bothered. "They can't be serious about this."
<Moon_Knight> "They don't seem to understand the point of wearing a costume."
<&Iron_Man> "It's the way the government always works, guys - the instant things start getting hairy, they overreact and think they can do it better."
<Captain_America> "Fucking Republicans."

Cap recently saw Reservoir Dogs. He's slowly catching up to modern cinema thanks to Iron Man.

<&Iron_Man> "Remind me - hey, now."
* Deadpool is playing with his new Nintendo 3DS XL
<&Iron_Man> "Look, it'll never go anywhere. People LOVE us."
<Moon_Knight> "I'm sure if we all took off our masks and such, the supervillains would absolutely do the same."
<&Iron_Man> "I mean, hell, Iron Man merchandise got a sales boost of 2.5% just last week!"
<Captain_America> "I know, I know. But the thought just... BUGS me."
<&Iron_Man> "Eh. Don't worry about it. It'll pass."
* Captain_America looks aghast!
<Captain_America> "Don't say that!"
<Zoftan> A graph pops up on one screen charting public opinion and superhero approval ratings. It's dipped in the last couple months, but the last week or two has seen a rise, probably due to your handling of Fin Fang Foom, Bullseye, Moonstone, etc.
<&Iron_Man> "Trust me. Government's been knocking at my door for the ARC technology for years, not to mention the armor, I - LOOK, THOSE GRAPHS COULD MEAN ANYTHING."
<&Iron_Man> "WHERE'S NATE SILVER, GET HIS OPINION."
<Captain_America> "He only does presidential elections, you know that."
<&Iron_Man> "Then maybe I should run for president- oooooooh."
* &Iron_Man gets a THOUGHTFUL look.
<Captain_America> "Only if I'm your running mate."
<&Iron_Man> "Right on."
* &Iron_Man high-fives Steve.
* Captain_America brofists Tony. "Aw yeah."

I personally feel this concept could probably sustain a campaign on its own. Also, note the differences here: both men balk at the idea of being regulated, but Cap's is a deep-seated reaction to answering to the government, while Tony has a more measured 'get your hands off what's mine' response. A lot like how things were at this point in canon, in fact.

Both guys do a great job with their characters' reactions over the course of this session, and I'm interested in seeing where it goes. If the constant sniping at each other for the rest of this is any indicator, it will go wonderful places.

<Moon_Knight> "I should re-establish the cult of Khonshu. I bet we're ripe for recruitment right now."
* Deadpool hums 'Oh Canada'
<Zoftan> "It's no surprise that legislation would eventually make its way to the House floor," says Rachel Maddow, eyeing one of the polls. "What's unusual is that it happened so soon, although Venom eating Representative Bachmann last week probably contributed."
<&Iron_Man> XD
<Captain_America> Hahaha.
<&Iron_Man> VENOM - THE PEOPLE'S VILLAIN
<Captain_America> MINNESOTA HUMOR
<Deadpool> "Can we switch to cartoons yet?"
<Moon_Knight> "Huh. I thought Venom was the bad guy all this time."

Venom's claim of self-defense against 'the mugging of everything decent' is not holding up well in court, but supporters are hopeful.

<Zoftan> "Joining us is Daily Bugle founder and head publisher, J. Jonah Jameson."
<Zoftan> J.J. pops in on a separate window, Hitler mustache flaring and a cigar in his mouth (to the consternation of everyone around him), and almost immediately bursts into a whirlwind of rhetoric.
<&Iron_Man> "AAAAAAAH"
<Zoftan> They're engaged in heated debate but Jarvis thankfully mutes the screen for a moment. "Sir, I've received a priority message for you."
<&Iron_Man> "Jarvis, your timing is impeccable. What's up, buttercup?"
* Captain_America furrows his brow. "Buttercup...?"
* Deadpool looks up, might be a hot chick.
<Zoftan> "Senator Robert Kelly has requested your presence at a Congressional subcommittee hearing tomorrow morning to discuss the possibility of superhuman registration legislature. They're interested in metahuman feedback."
<&Iron_Man> "Wait, I'm metahuman now?"
* &Iron_Man looks at the others.
<Captain_America> "Sure. Your superpower is being ridiculously wealthy."
<&Iron_Man> "That's not a superpower. That's capitalism."
<Captain_America> "Yeah, yeah."
<Zoftan> "Mr. Stark, if the technology I manage for you does not put you in a category beyond ordinary humans, then I believe I should be insulted."
<&Iron_Man> "Tell hizzoner Kelly I'll be there. We need to nip this thing in the bud."
<Captain_America> "So, uh. 'Buttercup', huh? Haven't gone on a date in a while, have you?"
<&Iron_Man> "Shut up, Steve."
<Zoftan> "Understood, sir. I'll inform Ms. Potts that you'll be out of state tomorrow."


This could theoretically be pretty big. Congress is being reasonable, at least; they want metahumans' opinions on something that's going to affect them, which is more than they've done for, say, abortion rights. Furthermore, it could totally change the direction of public discourse on the SHRA if it goes well. As such, it behooves the Avengers to prepare, and Iron Man has lots of plans.

<Moon_Knight> "I'm rich too, and a werewolf, *and* blessed by an Egyptian god. Can I tag along?"
<&Iron_Man> ...
* &Iron_Man looks at Moon Knight.
<&Iron_Man> ....
<&Iron_Man> "No."
<Zoftan> You can, of course, bring whatever guests you want to the hearing.
<&Iron_Man> And yeah, Tony'll bring everybody.
<Zoftan> Anybody who doesn't want to speak can come along and be in the crowd - there will be stuff to do regardless of where you are.
<Zoftan> "Understood, sir."
* Deadpool puts a touristy hat on his head... "I'm tagging along."
<&Iron_Man> "You can come if you DON'T TALK."
<Deadpool> "But I like to talk!"
* Moon_Knight frowns.
<&Iron_Man> "This is... politics. Important stuff."
<Captain_America> "You're asking a lot of him, Tony."
<&Iron_Man> "Oh, I know."
<Moon_Knight> "...I promise I won't say a word to Congress."

A solid start, that. Let's see what else our public relations strategist comes up with...

<&Iron_Man> I'm programming my wardrobe to give me the best possible suit for tomorrow, putting the Iron Man mark 8.5.6.3. in a briefcase, and having a last minute mustache trim.
<&Iron_Man> I'm also going to take the corvette.
<&Iron_Man> ALSO
<&Iron_Man> I WANT CAPTAIN AMERICA THERE IN COSTUME
<Captain_America> NATCH

Also an excellent set of choices - a large part of Captain America's inspirational power and authority comes from what he represents as much as from who he is.

This next exchange is going to seem pretty pedestrian at the moment, but I want you to remember it carefully for later. Don't ask why, just trust me.

<&Iron_Man> Moon Knight, Deadpool, I actually want you on patrol.
<&Iron_Man> Keeping an eye on things.
<&Iron_Man> Because if villains are going to strike, this would be an EXCELLENT time to do so.
<&Iron_Man> I know I can trust you to make the right decisions AND KEEP CIVILIAN CASUALTIES TO A MINIMUM
<&Iron_Man> AHEM
<Zoftan> Hey, they pulled it off last week. :D
* Captain_America coughs.
<&Iron_Man> Yes, in a plane.
* Moon_Knight nudges Deadpool. "He's trying to keep us away from Congress. Doesn't think we'll set a good example."
<&Iron_Man> This is CONGRESS.
<Zoftan> :D
* Deadpool shrugs, "He doesn't know what he's missing, but we can patrol in Congress..."

Remember that section.

Anyway, as one final step, Tony tries to infiltrate the SHIELD database and install a backdoor access protocol. Jarvis quickly discovers that someone's begun overhauling the database and changing the security protocols - probably a means of keeping Nick Fury out, since he's gone rogue and Maria Hill's in charge now. Taking advantage of the incomplete overhaul, Tony successfully installs the program so he can access SHIELD resources in the future - unless it's somehow discovered, this will be a d8 resource for the entire Civil War event, which is huge.

<&Iron_Man> Keep in mind, I can link it to your smart phones.
<Zoftan> Anything else you guys are interested in doing before you head to Washington?
<&Iron_Man> I'm pretty much prepared. I'm having a bot polish my shoes and I'm sending dirty text messages to Pepper. What about you guys?
* Captain_America is going to finish his martini, first of all.
* Deadpool is a light traveler, he's ready to move at drop of a pin
<Zoftan> All you get back in response is ":|". Perhaps you should've sent them before Jarvis could tell her she's running Stark Industries for the rest of the week.
<&Iron_Man> Hey, I looked over the accounts.
<Zoftan> ^^
<&Iron_Man> "Paulo the pool boy?" Come on, Pepper.
<&Iron_Man> SHE'S HARDLY ALONE
<Moon_Knight> I think I'm good.
<Zoftan> Arright.
<&Iron_Man> LET'S DO THIS
<Zoftan> Let's turn the page, then, and open on the next morning in CAPITOL HILL
<Captain_America> LET'S DEMOCRACY

Having taken a Starkjet out and driven Iron Man's finest Cobra the rest of the way, the Avengers are ready to make one of their highest-publicity appearances yet. The capital's bustling as they head over, and there's just enough traffic that the team has time for some last-minute prep on the SHRA.

<&Iron_Man> Park that shit in front of Congress. I'm texting various media networks I own to get there and TAKE PLENTY OF PICTURES
<&Iron_Man> "Steve, smile big for the cameras."
<Captain_America> "On it, Tony."
<Zoftan> Jarvis pulls up the Library of Congress entry on the Superhuman Registration Act as Tony drives you guys over in the Cobra.
<Zoftan> Under the current provisions of the Superhuman Registration Act bill, anyone possessing 'metahuman or metahuman-like capabilities' would be required to submit proof of identity to a representative of the government and be entered into a database, which would be under the jurisdiction of the Committee for Superhuman Affairs, an organization created specifically for dealing with SHRA business.
<&Iron_Man> .... uh huh.
<Zoftan> After registering, they would be considered deputies of the government and could be called upon to enforce the law. It would be possible to opt out of this service, but if you opt out and then go do superhuman things, you would be considered in violation.
<Captain_America> "That's stupid. I know like ten people who can shapeshift into anyone they want. How do you track someone like that?"
<&Iron_Man> "They have ways."
<Zoftan> Should the bill pass and become law, there would be a one week grace period for superhumans to register themselves before active enforcement started.
<&Iron_Man> Hrrrm. Anything else?
<Zoftan> Yes. At present, Congress is hell of divided on this - it's going to take a bipartisan effort to get things to go one way or another.
<&Iron_Man> So, what we do today could decide the vote one way or the other.
<Captain_America> Better be on our best behavior. And not blow anything up.

Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa.

<Zoftan> President Obama's said some things about a need for accountability and responsible superheroing, but you get the impression it's kind of like his stance on gun control - he's not actually going to take much initiative about it. If it passes, he'll probably sign it into law, though.
<&Iron_Man> "Best behavior, guys."
<Deadpool> "I'm always on my best behavior!"
<Captain_America> "That doesn't say much about your behavior, does it?"
<Moon_Knight> "So Cap, where were you when we rescued that plane and all the people on it? Oh, right, getting a perm. Cut us some slack."
<Captain_America> "Fair enough, Moonie."

In retrospect, the amount of foreshadowing in this update is astounding. Anyway, there's a giant crowd of press waiting outside the car, thanks to Iron Man's constantly-active Twitter account. The heroes spot Peter Parker, the spectacular Spider-Man, taking pictures of them and exchange a Meaningful Glance.

<&Iron_Man> "Moonie, Deadie, fan out and keep an eye on things. I don't want to get shot in the back by Paste Pot Pete or anything while we're here."
* Moon_Knight mingles.
* Deadpool doesn't mingle, he just wades through the crowd.
<Zoftan> The halls are bustling with activity; a few pages and lobbyists look at you guys with interest as you sweep through, but the veteran senators and congressmen have seen enough crazy shit in their time that Deadpool wandering the halls is really not that big a thing.
<&Iron_Man> Anyway, I smile at a few more cameras, make some jokes, do some "Tony Stark is a rebel" stuff, and walk on in WITH MY BEST BUDDY STEVE ROGERS
* Deadpool has a camera and makes pictures, also he's wearing a t-shirt with a maple leaf on top of his costume.

Having split up, the two groups mill around and meet some people. Tony and Cap, on their way to the congressional chamber, find a familiar face waiting out front - T'Challa, King of Wakanda. He's also known as the Black Panther, an honorary member and frequent ally of the original Avengers, and a total badass the likes of which cannot be measured.

<&Iron_Man> "T'Challa! How's it going, man!"
<Captain_America> "Hey! Haven't seen you in a while!"
* &Iron_Man moves in to shake his hand.
<Zoftan> "Ah, my friends!" He's a stern man, but you guys go way back and that counts for something, and so he shakes your hand.
<Zoftan> "Have you come to speak to your leaders as well?"
<Zoftan> er, question mark
<Captain_America> "Sure have. Looks like you're here for the same purpose."
<&Iron_Man> "Yeah. They didn't really give us an option, though."
<Zoftan> "Indeed, I have come, as a king should, to negotiate in person. We are opening an initiative to prevent the illegal transportation of vibranium."
<&Iron_Man> "Wait, illegal?"
<Zoftan> T'Challa is thankfully not in full Black Panther gear, although he's definitely hell of regal looking.
<&Iron_Man> Yeah. The Black Panther walking around here would probably give Strom Thurmond another heart attack. :D
<Zoftan> XD

As a native South Carolinian all I have to say to that is god DAMN

<Zoftan> "Illegal vibranium smuggling, yes. Perhaps you have encountered it in the past."
<Captain_America> "Mmm... Something like that."
<&Iron_Man> "I've... heard some things."
<Zoftan> He has got a serious poker face. You can't tell if he knows about Antarctica.

He does.

<&Iron_Man> "Look. We can't talk about it here. Meet us at Stark Tower when all this is over. I get the feeling we need to compare notes and debug the conversation. You in?"
<Zoftan> "Hrrmmm. My schedule is busy, but I can spare time to meet with old friends, certainly. We have been through much together."
<&Iron_Man> "Badass."
* &Iron_Man dabs T'Challa.
<Captain_America> "Awesome. We'll see you there."
<Zoftan> Hearing that from him is kind of...Iunno, it's like it sinks in that yeah, you don't have many of the old guard left.
<&Iron_Man> "I'll let Jarvis know you're coming."
<Captain_America> "We've got a LOT of catching up to do."
<&Iron_Man> Yeah, I was just kind of thinking that.
<&Iron_Man> Hell, we still don't know what happened to Thor.
<Zoftan> Wanda went batshit crazy, Vision's phased out of existence, Hawkeye's dead, Thor is in the Odinsleep...
<&Iron_Man> Damn.
<&Iron_Man> Well, there's Giant-Man and the Wasp, but, eh
<Zoftan> Well, you've still got T'Challa.
<&Iron_Man> Goddamn right.
<Zoftan> "Very well, friends. I wish you good fortune in your dealings with the fork-tongued white men."
* &Iron_Man chuckles.
<Captain_America> :D
<Captain_America> "Uh, thanks!"
<Zoftan> He says this with TOTAL SERIOUSNESS and only five or six seconds later does the slight twitch of a lip indicate that he's joking.
<Zoftan> You don't want to play cards with Black Panther.
<Captain_America> No sir.
<&Iron_Man> :D

Meanwhile, Moon Knight and Deadpool are patrolling the hallways, where they're suddenly accosted by an older gentleman in a suit.

<Moon_Knight> Seniors. Figures.
<Zoftan> "Senator Stanley Lieber, New York State! I have to say, gents, it's an honor to see heroes like you in the halls of Congress!"
<Moon_Knight> Oh! This is not the kind of accosting I am accustomed to from seniors.
<Moon_Knight> "It's a honor to be here, sir."
* Deadpool looks at the Senator, remembering Iron Man's insistance to be on his best behavior... "Thank you Senator Lieber, we're glad that we could help."
<&Iron_Man> Astral Tony gives the thumbs-up.
<Deadpool> "... So if this bill passes and we get deputized, would we get paid for it?"
<Captain_America> Whose side are you on :|
<Zoftan> "You know, say what they will about you guys, I've got faith. I remember back in the war, when Captain America--of course you'd get paid, you'd be public servants!"
<Zoftan> "I mean, not that you aren't already. You guys take some real risks out there, and the least we can do is give you benefits for it."
<Deadpool> "That's a relief."
<Captain_America> Whose side are you on :|

The answer is "the side that pays best", but only for a given value of what Deadpool considers "payment", which can vary wildly. Regardless, Senator Lieber continues to talk their ears off as they look for threats.

<Zoftan> He's a very friendly old man and he's clearly on your side, but it's getting difficult to patrol.
<Moon_Knight> "With all due respect, Senator"
<Zoftan> "--and then the Spectacular Spider-Man swung in and he caught all the bank employees in a web!"
<Zoftan> "I tell you, most folk would've just chased after Mysterio, but Spider-Man, he's a man of the people, that one--" He stops to listen to you.
<Moon_Knight> "You've said repeatedly that we're doing a good job - registration won't help that. Many of us wear masks to avoid having our identities revealed specifically to protect our families."
* Deadpool smiles and nods, meanwhile he plays this in his head
<Zoftan> Deadpool begins to undergo an audiovisual hallucination, as Nyan Cat circles the Senator's head.
<Zoftan> "Huh. Gee, I never thought about it that way."
<Moon_Knight> "If we have to register, that's however many more people end up knowing who we are. We become that much more vulnerable, and that much less able to act."
<Zoftan> "Well, I suppose you heroes would be the experts on how this thing should be run! Let's put this registration business behind us, then, and let you do your jobs."
<Deadpool> Suddenly a moment of clarity: "How will you handel non-American meta-humans?"
<Zoftan> "Listen, red and black guy, this is America, the land of opportunities. Everybody under the act would be getting equal treatment."
<Zoftan> Speaking of doing your job, it's pretty quiet in the hallways. Well, not 'quiet', but you don't see MODOK or a portal or any giant robots.
<Moon_Knight> "Thank you, Senator. Your support means a lot to us."
<Deadpool> "Yeah thanks Senator."
* Deadpool turns to MK, "He's an allright dude!"
* Moon_Knight nods at Deadpool.
<Zoftan> "I'll talk to my constituents, and see what we can come up with in light of what you guys are saying. In the meantime, I should let you go."
<Zoftan> "As the motto of our great state says: Excelsior!"
<Moon_Knight> :D
<Captain_America> You too, Stan Lee.
<Deadpool> :D
<Captain_America> You too.

Meanwhile, in the press box...

<Spider-Man> :D
<&Iron_Man> Oh my god
<&Iron_Man> JJ came with you?
<Captain_America> YES
<Zoftan> Right now, the two of you are in the press box as your fearless leaders enter the hall and take a seat.
<&Iron_Man> You poor bastard
<Zoftan> Jameson grumbles next to you. "Good job on the pictures out front, Parker. Don't go pulling that camera out here or the Secret Service will take us away and I'll have to spend my hard-earned money bailing myself out."
<Spider-Man> "Mr. Jameson, you're, uh, in my shot."
<Zoftan> He kinda flails at your camera.
* Spider-Man quickly stuffs his camera down his pack.
<Zoftan> "This is big, Parker! Story of the century! The millennium! The geological era! We're seeing the downfall of thugs like Spider-Man right here, in the hallowed halls of democracy."
<Zoftan> "Soon enough we'll start getting media coverage of the real heroes! Firefighters! Police! Astronauts! Teachers! Newsmen, if I may say so myself, ho ho ho."
<Spider-Man> "I think you might be getting ahead of yourself, Mr. Jameson."
<Zoftan> "What?! Getting ahead of--that's your problem, Parker, I keep telling you! You're a great kid, but you've gotta be forward thinking! Everything is a potential scoop, you just gotta watch for it."
<Zoftan> "Let's take down the proceedings and see if we can get some answers out of Captain America at the end. He's one of the good ones, that Captain - not afraid to show his face to the world."
<&Iron_Man> JUST DIGGING IN THAT KNIFE
<Captain_America> Thanks, JJJ. :|
<Captain_America> I'm glad to be "one of the good ones".
<Spider-Man> "You're telling me."

...I enjoyed that conversation slightly more than I should have, I think. Anyway, let's get to the hearing and see what happens.

<Zoftan> There are five members of the subcommittee, including Senator Kelly.
<Zoftan> He motions to you both as you take a seat. "Mr. Stark, Captain Rogers, thank you for coming today. The steering committee has some questions we'd like you to answer, if possible."
<&Iron_Man> "Of course, of course (pose for camera) we'd be happy to help out America in any way we can. Again."
* Captain_America takes a seat. He's the best-dressed man in the room. Except for T'Challa, maybe. "It's our pleasure, Senator."

Let's briefly see what the patrol team is up to...

* Moon_Knight is patrolling the hallways surrounding the Congress chamber
* Deadpool is in the visors gallery looking for threats.
<Deadpool> and change
<Deadpool> for the vending machine
<Zoftan> So far all you've found is a quarter. There might be more, though...
<Captain_America> If you spin them just right, you can sneak Canadian coins in there.

So far, so good. Senator Kelly lobs them a softball to start with.

<Zoftan> "Thank you for your cooperation." The Senator looks the two of you over. "Well, you're busy men, let's get down to the main question at hand. Have you reviewed the text of the SRA bill, and if so, what are your thoughts on it so far?"
<&Iron_Man> Alright.
<&Iron_Man> I take a drink of my water bottle, and....
* Captain_America steps back, yielding to Tony.
* &Iron_Man takes a deep breath.
<&Iron_Man> "Honestly?"
<&Iron_Man> "I think you guys need to step back and seriously think about what you just asked."
<&Iron_Man> "I mean this with all respect, but..."
* Captain_America mutters, "Easy, Tony..."
* Captain_America smells alcohol on Tony's breath. Oh no.

That's not water! :D

<&Iron_Man> "... you can't be asking people to register with the government based not on criminal history or legal status, but on, well, who they are."
<&Iron_Man> "I mean, no offense, but I'm pretty sure that that goes against the very foundation of this country."
<&Iron_Man> That worked so much better in my head.
<Zoftan> Uh...yeah, actually! Give me a roll against the Doom Pool.
<&Iron_Man> Go for it, Moonie!
<Captain_America> "I'm afraid I'm with Tony here. I... don't think I need to explain /why/ I'd be opposed to a measure like this, gentlemen?"

Outside, Moon Knight has an idea.

<Zoftan> MK, there's a set of visitors milling through the metal detectors at the entrance. A guard in a heavy vest motions each one through as they go, occasionally stopping to pat one down.
<Zoftan> Nothing suspicious yet - at one point there might've been something, but it turned out he had a metal plate in his arm from surgery.
<Moon_Knight> ...Can I use the SHIELD backdoor to access their facial recognition database through my phone?
<Zoftan> Uh...yeah, actually!
<Moon_Knight> 12 with a d10
<Zoftan> Cool. Okay, you have an additional d10 asset for spotting people who are in the database, it's uplinked to your smartphone via Jarvis.
<Zoftan> You're in an excellent position to identify any potential threats.
<Captain_America> There's something ironic about an anti-SHRA super using a supers database to track people.
<Moon_Knight> Yes. Yes there is. Deliciously.
<Captain_America> :D

Back in the hearing room, one of the subcommittee members picks at a point that Tony made.

<Zoftan> "When our country was founded," says a congressman from the subcommittee, "we weren't facing the same issues we are now - there weren't any...special powers, like you gentlemen have, changing the geopolitical narrative the way we have today."
<Zoftan> Here comes an attack!
<&Iron_Man> BRING IT
<Zoftan> "For example - Mr. Stark, Captain - weren't the two of you involved in an extranational attack on foreign soil last year? An attack that had repercussions totalling in tens of millions of dollars and several injuries and deaths just last week. Don't you think that with regulation and oversight, that attack could have been prevented?"
<&Iron_Man> ...
<Captain_America> Ouch!
<&Iron_Man> Son, you did not just go there.
<Moon_Knight> Oh that's an easy one!

MK's right - the subcommittee only rolls an 11. Cap steps in to field the question, and launches an area attack of mental stress - essentially, he counters the question with an argument designed to sway over several of the congressmen at once.

<Zoftan> Oh! For the record, as it says on the condition tracker, the subcommittee EXCEPT Senator Kelly (who is an individual) counts as a mob - you defeat its team dice with d8 stress.
<&Iron_Man> Hrrrrm. Okay.
* Moon_Knight rather hopes Cap throws his shield at them.
<Zoftan> You CAN area attack in social combat, you don't have to use the shield. Oh god >>
<&Iron_Man> CONGRESS!? MORE LIKE CONJOB!
<&Iron_Man> (Repulsors)
<Captain_America> That's tempting, but: "That was a regrettable incident, but registration wouldn't have helped matters at all. The problem wasn't that the action was done by supers, the problem was that the action was done by a rogue agent."
<Zoftan> Over in the press box, Jameson styluses frantically on his iPad. "Our own 'champions' acting like terrorists, Parker, can you believe that? And then what do we get for it, dragons in the middle of New York. Probably working with Spider-Man."
<Spider-Man> hahaha
<Captain_America> "An agent who, I might add, is now out of commission. (I hope.)"

He rolls very well, inflicting a stiff counterattack.

<Zoftan> Deadpool, good news. You have managed to accumulate $1.50 in change - just enough to afford a Ding Dong from the vending machine.
* Deadpool goes "WOOT"... "i mean woot... sorry for the loud voice." then goes to the vending machine.
<Zoftan> Some of the congressmen begin to murmur to each other, and nod their heads.
<Zoftan> That was a good answer, apparently.
<Captain_America> Just have to demonstrate that we're capable of keeping ourselves in line.

Moon Knight spots something outside the window...

<Zoftan> There's a SHIELD aerial drone monitoring the area.
<&Iron_Man> ... wuh-oh.
<Captain_America> Uh.
<Zoftan> Not really a threat, since, y'know, it's SHIELD, but it's nice to know the area's under observation.
<Moon_Knight> Do I have a comlink?
<Zoftan> You do.
<Moon_Knight> I'd like to use it to contact SHIELD and verify that they're actually monitoring the area through that drone.
<Moon_Knight> Juuuuuust in case.
<Moon_Knight> (particularly because DC is a no-fly zone)
<Zoftan> A quick check to the helicarrier gets you a SHIELD agent.
<Zoftan> He listens to your question, and lets you know that yes, under direction of the Deputy Director, SHIELD is monitoring the area because with metahumans in the Capitol there's an elevated potential threat level.
<&Iron_Man> ...
<&Iron_Man> :|
<Moon_Knight> Okay, good. All s well.

If you heard an anguished howl from the north around this point and the sound of a plot element being frantically rewritten, that was me. I'll explain why in just a minute. Meanwhile...

<Zoftan> Senator Kelly considers what the Captain said. "And you're to be commended for your valiance during the Hell's Kitchen incident. In this atmosphere of fear and uncertainty let's not forget that the consequences could have been worse."
<Zoftan> Nah, Cap took out the guy making the attack.
<&Iron_Man> Okay.
<Zoftan> However, there's one coming your way in a second.
<&Iron_Man> I can handle that. :D
<Captain_America> RAD
<Zoftan> "Similarly," says the Senator, "we'd like you to extend the same courtesy to the American people and consider that we're acting in your interests as well, gentlemen. Understand that the SRA bill is much less severe than it could have been, and that radical elements of Congress were favoring harsher measures in the interest of policing metahumans."
<&Iron_Man> ....
<&Iron_Man> I totally got this. I am, however, going to have to be Iron Dick because of it.
<Zoftan> "I, and my colleagues, do not condone those measures. But don't you think there should be a measure of accountability among the superhuman community that...well, that isn't enforced exclusively by superhumans? Who's left to police you?"
<&Iron_Man> But please, continue.
<Zoftan> Here is the roll, Mr. Stark. Counter accordingly.
<&Iron_Man> Let's see it.
<Zoftan> Team, Regulate Regulate Regulate, Rhetoric, Psych Master
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 1>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 3>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 10>
<Zoftan> 14 with a d8 effect die. If you want to stunt off that 1, you can.
<&Iron_Man> Not yet.
<Zoftan> "Parker, what do you make of all this?" whispers JJ. "I wouldn't take Captain America for a draft-dodging hippie, but you can never tell with that Stark."

Usually Captain America is the Avenger best known for his speeches, but this upcoming monologue is pretty reasonable and encapsulates Iron Man well, I think.

<&Iron_Man> "Senator, first of all, I'd like to reiterate the fact that you guys - wonderful people, all of you, I'm sure - are still glossing over the fact that you're talking about /making a subsection of Americans sign up on some shadowy list just because they were born different/.
<&Iron_Man> I mean, who's going to have access to this list? Do I HAVE to go through all the numerous examples this has gone wrong in the past?"
<Zoftan> This is pretty incendiary. There's some harrumphing among the legislative rows.
<&Iron_Man> "Second of all, we don't police these people like you understand it. Half the time these nutjobs jump out of the woodwork on a moment's notice. We can't be worried about big government slowing us down. We're PEOPLE defending our COUNTRY, not wageslaves doing this for a job. We're PATRIOTS, first and foremost."
<&Iron_Man> "Restricting that is like restricting technology - it doesn't benefit anyone, and in the end, all it does is make sure that no one benefits from it."
<Captain_America> "Easy, Tony..."

That might have been a bit too blunt. Iron Man rolls..

<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 7>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 6>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 1>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 2>
<&Iron_Man> Shit.
<&Iron_Man> 13 with a d8.
<&Iron_Man> Tony's pissed.
<Zoftan> Yeah, it looks like he annoyed you there. You take d8 mental stress from being agitated.
<&Iron_Man> I can deal with that.
<Zoftan> As such, you kinda went off on the guy, and CSPAN briefly became the most interesting channel on TV
<Zoftan> (this is the only time anyone will ever say that)
<&Iron_Man> XD
<Zoftan> It was an impassioned speech, and you can tell it won some people over, but it might have also made some nervous because of your manner.

And then, as things tend to do in this game, they become complicated.

<Zoftan> Deadpool, you're on your way back, cheerfully munching a Ding Dong, and step out into the observation balcony to watch the proceedings.
<Zoftan> Something about the light changes, and you glance upward at the skylight. Spider-Man, you catch this as well.
<Deadpool> *much* *much* *much* *much* "Wha..."
<Zoftan> There's a man in a black mask braced on the skylight, and he's got a compound bow.
<&Iron_Man> :|
* Spider-Man looks up, then steals a glance at JJJ.
<Zoftan> (JJ is totally oblivious)
<&Iron_Man> Well, duh. :D
<&Iron_Man> He still wears the hitlerstache. Dude's perception score is in the negatives, yo.

Out front, the SHIELD database alerts Moon Knight to a match on one of the guys who just walked in. Winding his way through the crowd, he tries to track the man down.

<Zoftan> You spot him no problem - he's got a big briefcase and a heavy coat
<Moon_Knight> Excellent
<Zoftan> The man stops as you draw near to him, and takes a tentative step back.
<Zoftan> How do you approach this?
<Moon_Knight> I'm going to try and talk him down to prevent an incident.
<&Iron_Man> May I suggest "with violence."
<&Iron_Man> Aww
<Moon_Knight> Violence is a definite backup plan, but the current plan is "threat of violence"

Inside the atrium...

<Zoftan> Cap, Tony, as the Senator rises to speak again, you have just enough time to notice a red laser dot appear right on his temple...
* Deadpool has dropped his Ding Dong, it is going to be serious !
<&Iron_Man> O_O
<Captain_America> SHIT
<&Iron_Man> "SENATOR, DUCK"
<Captain_America> TACKLING HIM
<Zoftan> Deadpool, Spidey, you can see that guy draw back an arrow.
* Deadpool jumps between the senator and the path of the arrow!
<Captain_America> I gotta get him down!

Deadpool leaps from the balcony and uses himself as a human shield while Captain America dives to save the Senator. Across the room, Spider-Man makes a heroic exit to change his clothes.

<Spider-Man> "Uh, Mr. Jameson, I think I... uh, need to step out for a bit. I've got a... headache - a big one."
<Zoftan> "Parker, it's just getting interesting! Where are you--"
<Spider-Man> "Sorrybye"
<&Iron_Man> Oh, Spider-Man. :D
<Zoftan> "PARKER NO IT'S A SCOOOOOOOOOOP"
<Moon_Knight> Senator is under attack and Spiderman's still picking an outfit. Typical.
<Zoftan> his anguished cry echoes behind you as you duck into a cubby
<Zoftan> ACTION ROLL
<Spider-Man> "SORRRY"

Between the two of them, Deadpool and Cap comfortably beat the masked assassin's attack roll!

<Zoftan> It takes a superhuman effort, but Deadpool teleports between Senator Kelly and the skylight, and that causes him to back up in surprise.
<Zoftan> Because of this, you're able to tackle him to the ground just in time - an arrow crashes through the skylight and DESTROYS THE CHAIR HE'S IN
<&Iron_Man> TEAMWORK HOOOOOO
<Zoftan> It actually embeds itself in the floor of the congressional chamber; it must be tipped with adamantium!
<Captain_America> "Senator! Are you all right?!"
<Zoftan> Kelly's stunned, and looks at you in bewilderment. "I...yes, I'm fine, I...you saved me!"
<Zoftan> Up top, the masked man turns and makes a run for it!
<Captain_America> "Just doing my job!"

If you're looking for a part where shit absolutely hits the fan, it's actually not the thing that happened just now, with the assassin. That's one guy. It's manageable - dangerous, but manageable.

No, the part where everything blows up is right here.

<Moon_Knight> "Game's up. You were spotted by facial recognition software on your way in. No matter what happens here, the government and the Avengers know who you are. Now behave and let's not cause a scene."
<Zoftan> Alright, before you roll, I will go ahead and streamline things
<Zoftan> He has a Conditioning SFX where I spend a d6 doom to ignore mental/emotional stress or complications.
<Zoftan> So rather than have you waste a roll, I will spend the doom and say that you NORMALLY would have scared just about anybody into submission with that growl...
<&Iron_Man> ... uh-oh
<Zoftan> But instead, this guy just throws the briefcase to one side. "Cut off one head, and two more will take its place!"
<Zoftan> He drops his coat, revealing a vest strapped with explosives!
<Zoftan> "HAIL HYDRA"
<&Iron_Man> !!!!
<Moon_Knight> ...Eep.
<&Iron_Man> FUCKING
<&Iron_Man> NAZIS
<Captain_America> That's bad.
<Zoftan> You get to use the dice pool now, at least, because HE'S ABOUT TO BLOW THE VEST
<Captain_America> REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT BACKUP PLANS
<Captain_America> IT'S TIME FOR PLAN B
<Moon_Knight> PLAN B IT IS

Protip: Plan B is always violence.

Sometimes Plan A is violence too.

"...Go on."

Deadpool was such a good boy today!

I'll probably won't last.

Facing a lobby full of potential collateral damage and a crazed suicide-bombing Hydra operative, Moon Knight decides to skip the whole 'run away from the explosion without looking at it' thing and just go straight to the heart of the problem.

<Moon_Knight> Okay, I'm going to try and wrap him with my swingline so he can't detonate the vest.
<Moon_Knight> "THERE WILL BE NO EXPLOSIONS HERE TODAY."
<&Iron_Man> XD
<&Iron_Man> That is a badass war cry.
<Zoftan> Only with your supernatural reflexes could you counter his attack - but within an instant, your zipline wraps his arms to his sides, preventing him from detonating his explosives!
<Zoftan> He falls to the ground with a muffled curse, and overhead (this would've happened sooner but Abad knows about no-fly zones :|), you hear the sound of helicopters!
<Moon_Knight> XD

Inside Congress, Spider-Man emerges in full costume, just in time to hear Jameson's horrified squawk, and beholds the assassin with the bow escaping.

* Spider-Man swings over the floor and the spectators.
<Spider-Man> "Sorry, pardon me, coming through - just your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman!"
<&Iron_Man> I want him.
<Zoftan> It will have to be quick, because black helicopters drop ziplines through the skylight...
< <Deadpool> "PARTY!"
<&Iron_Man> I've got goddamned je-
<&Iron_Man> ...
<&Iron_Man> Nevermind.
<Zoftan> ...and TITANIUM MAN descends from the sky!
<&Iron_Man> YEAH, HE'S ALL MINE

Wow, Nazis and Russians.

A detachment of Hydra troopers zipline in with Titanium Man, but fortunately Tony is protected from their gunfire by the heavy overturned desk. He opens his briefcase and transforms into Iron Man as the helicopter comes into range. Inside is Andreas von Strucker, newly regimmicked as the Swordsman, and he's got a megaphone

<Zoftan> "PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES"
<Zoftan> "PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR AN EDUCATION IN THE WAY OF NATURAL SELECTION"
<Zoftan> "HAIL HYDRA"
<&Iron_Man> :|
<&Iron_Man> "Steve. We've got nazis."
<Captain_America> "Great. My favorite."
<Deadpool> "I remember the last time I fought nazis... I was timetraveling... I they are easy to kill, except for their superweapons."
<Spider-Man> "I think you're gonna have a harder time teaching us /natural selection/ than you think. Trust me, we've tried."
<Zoftan> XD Steel
<&Iron_Man> DAMN
<Captain_America> ZING
* &Iron_Man DAPS STEEL
<Moon_Knight> :D

God DAMN

<Captain_America> "Tony? I've got this. Go find that sniper!"
<Captain_America> (Acting as a leader, taking an XP)
<&Iron_Man> ... You want to take on Titanium Man?
<&Iron_Man> Seriously?
<Captain_America> Well, you can fly. You'll have an easier time finding the guy!
<&Iron_Man> I'm cool with it, but...
<&Iron_Man> Fair point.
<Captain_America> I know, I know, it's all PERSONAL~
<&Iron_Man> Good luck - you're going to need it.
* &Iron_Man zooms after the sniper.

The escaping sniper has a d10 asset, Escaping, which Iron Man needs to target and reduce to zero with his attacks rather than inflicting stress and complications. He, in turn, will be regularly trying to push his asset up past d12, which will get him out of the scene.

<Zoftan> It becomes readily evident, as the masked man dives off the roof of Capitol Hall, that he has got some serious fucking moves
<Zoftan> He leaps off, turns in midair, fires an arrow at you, and lands on the roof of a car that's speeding away.
<Zoftan> Solo, Peerless Marksman, Enhanced Reflexes, Weapon, Combat Master
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 1>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 3>
<&Iron_Man> Yeah, alright. It's adamantium tipped. I'm taking that shit seriously.
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 1>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> ....
<Zoftan> c'mon seriously?
<&Iron_Man> Alright.
<Zoftan> Sigh, 13 with a d8 effect die.
<&Iron_Man> You know what? I'm catching that arrow in mid-air.
<&Iron_Man> Because I am motherfucking Iron Man.
<&Iron_Man> Solo, Cutting Edge Tech, Tech Master, Enhanced Reflexes
<&Iron_Man> And supersonic flight, since I'm flying while I do it.
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 7>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 1>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 7>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> 14 with a d10. THE TABLES HAVE TURNED, SIR

Hey, he rolled an opportunity. One doom die later, a limit is activated and Iron Man discovers that winning the roll doesn't always mean that life is perfect for you.

<Zoftan> All right, you catch the arrow!
<&Iron_Man> "Nice try, but you're no Hawkeye, kid."
<Zoftan> GUESS WHAT
<Zoftan> IT WAS AN EMP ARROW
<&Iron_Man> "Wait, what th-"
<Zoftan> The masked man smirks at you, and electricity bursts from the arrowhead into your suit!
<&Iron_Man> NOOOO
<Captain_America> Aaaaaaa!
<Zoftan> "Sir," says Jarvis, "I'm afraid the repulsors seem to have been overloaded."
<&Iron_Man> Shit, can I roll against it? Or is it a complication?
<&Iron_Man> "Fine. We'll do this the old fashioned way."

Iron Man retaliates with a rocket-powered punch, aiming to either hit the assassin directly or, at the very least, wreck his ride. He succeeds in the latter:

<&Iron_Man> It's hard to escape when you've got a cruise missile with feet after you. (and thanks)
<Zoftan> All right, he leaps free of the car just as you crash into it like a missile!
<&Iron_Man> Yeah, I probably don't have a lot of control thanks to that damned EMP blast.
<Zoftan> He's lost his ride, now, and will have a harder time escaping, but that was a lot of opportunities and a lot of doom dice, and you knock that car FLYING
<&Iron_Man> ... shit.
<Zoftan> and when I say flying, I mean it lands in the reflecting pool outside the Washington Monument.
<&Iron_Man> ....
<Zoftan> Bystanders scatter everywhere!
<Captain_America> Easy on the collateral damage, huh? ;)
<&Iron_Man> I'm going to assume it was filled with civilians.
<&Iron_Man> YOU SHUT UP
<&Iron_Man> CAPTAIN I'M SO GREAT
<Zoftan> You have no idea. If it makes you feel better, it could have been Hydra.
<Zoftan> WHO GOES NEXT, IRON MAN
<&Iron_Man> I THINK CAPTAIN SMUGBITCH GOES NEXT
<Moon_Knight> hahah
<Captain_America> SOUNDS GOOD, IRON WHINER

Maturity is the hallmark of the Avengers. Look for their edutainment kid's show on the PBS, coming this fall.

<Captain_America> Winding up to toss his shield, the Cap aims to take out all of Titanium Man's grunts! "Only way to kill a Hydra is to take out all its heads!"
<Captain_America> All righty, area attack time.
<Zoftan> You need a d10 effect die to take out a Hydra trooper.
<Zoftan> (so that you know, for the area attack)

With the effect dice the Captain gains, he could theoretically take out two of the three troopers.

<Zoftan> "Defensive formation!" shouts Swordsman through the megaphone. "Die for the glory of Hydra!"
<Zoftan> "Hail Hydra!" yells one of the troopers.
<Zoftan> Team, Hail Hydra, Body Armor
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 2>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Captain_America> Damnit!
<&Iron_Man> :|
<&Iron_Man> We are not doing very well
<Zoftan> Your shield ricochets off one trooper, but the other two dive to the ground!
<Zoftan> At least the one you hit is out, for the moment.
<&Iron_Man> Deadpool is going to have to save the day again
<Deadpool> :D

That is another line you should remember for future reference. Spider-Man emerges into the chaos, sees the panicked crowds rushing everywhere, and decides to invoke Great Responsibility.

<Spider-Man> The first priority is to make sure the bystanders are out of harm, methinks.
<Spider-Man> Captain can handle himself, I think. He's taken on Nazis before under worse circumstances. I'm gonna make sure our legislators and the press can leave safely. Where's the exit relative to the crowd/senators?
<Zoftan> Thankfully there are four different exits, which a crowd of legislators are trying to flee through.
<Zoftan> A chunk of the ceiling has barred the main one, though, and some people might get trampled from trying to push through it.
<Zoftan> You could probably force it open with spider-strength if you got up close.
<Captain_America> Get 'em out of here, Spidey!
<&Iron_Man> SAVE THEM, SPIDERS-MAN
* Spider-Man swings over to the main exit, cracks his knuckles and goes to work forcing it open.
<Zoftan> JJ, meanwhile, is pushing a chunk of wall over, searching for someone.
<Zoftan> "Parker! Are you all right?! Answer me!"
<Spider-Man> "(Uh oh.)"
* Spider-Man pauses for a moment, then shouts to JJJ. "He's alright! I found him in the bathroom, so, uh... relax."
<Zoftan> "GET OUT OF HERE SPIDER-MAN"
<Zoftan> "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY PHOTOGRAPHER"
<Spider-Man> >:|

Spider-Man has to roll against the doom pool to save the journalists and legislators. He's got one chance at this, and with the proportionate strength of a spider, he pushes the blocked doors...

<Spider-Man> With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, Solo, Superhuman Strength
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d8]: 7>
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d8]: 2>
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d10]: 1>
<Spider-Man> :|
<Zoftan> You can also use Combat Expert/Master
<Captain_America> FFFFFFF
<&Iron_Man> ....
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> Okay, that's a 12, I take it?
<Spider-Man> Yeah.
<Zoftan> Doom pool rolls against you...
<Zoftan> #roll 1d6
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d6]: 5>
<Spider-Man> :||||||||
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 6>
<Spider-Man> PHEW
<&Iron_Man> Way to go, Spider-Man!

By just one, he passes the roll and forces the doors open. A crowd of grateful bystanders hurries past into the relative safety (by which I mean it's not full of crazed ultranationalist terrorists or Russians in Iron Man knockoff suits.

<Zoftan> "Thank you, Spider-Man!" shouts Senator Lieber. "You're amazing! And spectacular! And uncanny! Wait..."
<Captain_America> :D
<&Iron_Man> Oh lord.
<Zoftan> The OTHER good news is that I was already planning to spend a die this round!
<Zoftan> or at this point, rather, because TITANIUM MAN interrupts the initiative order!
<&Iron_Man> GODDAMN THAT TITANIUM MAN
<&Iron_Man> HE'S THE REAL MENACE
<Zoftan> He swoops into the chamber and grabs Deadpool!
<Zoftan> "Weapon X, eh? Let us see how you stand up against superior Hydra tech!"
<Deadpool> "Yes let's see!"
<Zoftan> Hitting his jet boosters, he flies through the skylight! You're about a hundred feet in the air, and he winds up to throw you...

Speaking of Titanium Man, there he is now. Let's see how his super-durable armor measures up to whatever defense Deadpool conjures up.

<Zoftan> Solo, High Powered Mercenary, Godlike Strength, Combat Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 8>
<Captain_America> Yeah, yeah, listen to Tony Fart, Supergenius
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 7>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 6>
<Zoftan> 14 with a d12 effect die. How do you counter his attempt to throw you hell of far, Deadpool?
<Deadpool> By spending 1PP counter attacking, and shoving a damn grenade in his mouth
<Zoftan> :D
<Captain_America> It worked the first time!
<Deadpool> "Eat this fatso!"
<Moon_Knight> :D
<Deadpool> Team, Merc With A Mouth, Grenades, Reflexes, Combat Master
<Deadpool> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d8]: 1>
<&Iron_Man> :|
<Zoftan> Take a PP :D
<Deadpool> "Oh it's going to be one of those days..."

How much of 'one of those days' is it going to be? Well...

<Deadpool> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d8]: 2>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 3>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d12]: 2>
<Captain_America> DEADPOOOOOOOOL
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 1>
<Deadpool> Nobody panic!
<&Iron_Man> DX
<Deadpool> Deadpool can't die, quite literally
<&Iron_Man> WE CAN

Deadpool has spectacularly failed his roll, giving Titanium Man an extraordinary success. Plus, he used a grenade, which means his Reckless limit is activated to represent the damage caused by using explosives unwisely. So I get a doom die, which I use almost immediately to give things a little more impact.

<Zoftan> All right, you plant a sticky grenade right on Titanium Man's mask!
<Zoftan> It explodes, but...the armor holds up remarkably well.
<Zoftan> It totally throws off his flying, with that said, and the two of you...
<Zoftan> (d10 doom)
<Zoftan> CRASH THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL
<&Iron_Man> !!!
<&Iron_Man> DEADPOOL
<&Iron_Man> WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOMS
<Deadpool> Wow...
<Deadpool> "I'm Canadian!"
<Captain_America> Can't trust those socialist Canuckistanis

Okay, a lot more impact.

<Zoftan> He's protected. You're not. d12 stress plus extraordinary success gives you d6 physical trauma and stressed out status (which you can quickly recover with the healing factor)
<Captain_America> D:
<&Iron_Man> Jeeeesus.
* Deadpool shrugs...

Back at the Capitol, the Swordsman finally joins the battle. He leaps from the chopper, sabre drawn, and brings it down with bone-shattering force as he descends on Spider-Man.

<Zoftan> Team, Superpowered Terrorist, Weapon, Combat Master
<Moon_Knight> Man. This session is rough :D
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll d10
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 2>
<Zoftan> 14, d10 effect die. Spidey, you're being targeted by a falling sword strike!
<Spider-Man> !
<&Iron_Man> DODGE, DOOOOODGE
<Spider-Man> Rolling: Friendly Neighbourhood Hero, Solo, Superhuman Reflexes, Acrobatic Master
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d8]: 1>
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d8]: 5>
<Spider-Man> :|
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d10]: 3>
<Spider-Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Spider-Man [1d10]: 9>
<Spider-Man> 14, with a d10 effect.
<&Iron_Man> What is up with us tonight?
<Spider-Man> Clearly Spiza is the secret to our success.
<&Iron_Man> We're nothing without Coulson.
<&Iron_Man> NOTHING.
<Zoftan> If only Coulson were here :(
<Captain_America> He is the glue that holds the Avengers together.

What HAS Coulson been up to, anyway? We won't find out this session, but soon.

<Zoftan> THWACK
<Zoftan> I mean he doesn't cleave you right down the middle, that would be deadly.
<Zoftan> He DOES, however, strike down a fleeing senator as you dodge!
<&Iron_Man> !!!!!
<Zoftan> You take d10 emotional stress!
<&Iron_Man> OH SHIT
<Spider-Man> holy shit
<Moon_Knight> nooooooo
<Captain_America> "NO!"
<Spider-Man> "No!"
<Zoftan> "Vengeance! Vengeance for my sister, whom your mongrel state took from me!"

Just then, Moon Knight crashes through the doors to the lobby!

<Moon_Knight> "I'll decide who gets vengeance, Swordsman!"
<Spider-Man> DO IT FOR THAT SENATOR
< <Spider-Man> HE WAS PROBABLY BELOVED
<Zoftan> "Come, then! You'll be the next to die!"
* Moon_Knight charges, truncheon in hand!
<Moon_Knight> solo d10, fist of khonshu d8, weapon d12, enhanced strength d10, combat master d10
<Moon_Knight> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Moon_Knight [1d10]: 7>
<Moon_Knight> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Moon_Knight [1d8]: 4>
<Moon_Knight> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Moon_Knight [1d12]: 5>
<Moon_Knight> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Moon_Knight [1d10]: 10>
<Moon_Knight> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Moon_Knight [1d10]: 6>
<&Iron_Man> THAT'S MORE LIKE IT
<Spider-Man> YEAHHH ABAD
<Captain_America> FINALLY
<Zoftan> Nice!
<Moon_Knight> Dropping a PP to add the 6 to the roll, 23 with a d12
<&Iron_Man> ... goddamn
<Zoftan> The saber whirls in place as you charge him, and with honed skill, Swordsman strikes!
<Zoftan> Team, Skilled Swordsman, Enhanced Durability (d6 doom), Weapon, Combat Master
<Captain_America> Moonie means business!
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 2>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 1>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 9>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 4>
<Moon_Knight> Not going to activate that.
<Zoftan> Spending another d6 doom to use three dice and activate the Master Swordsman SFX
<&Iron_Man> :|
<Zoftan> There's a flurry of sparks as you exchange strikes! Your truncheon collides with his sword over and over, and each of you dodges and strikes in turn!
<Zoftan> At last, though, he overcorrects on a roundhouse and your swing connects solidly with the side of his head.
<&Iron_Man> YES
<Zoftan> There's an "augh!" from the impact, but he still has the presence of mind to then grab your truncheon-using arm and use your momentum to shove you to one side.
<Zoftan> He takes d12 stress, and uses your effect die in his next pool (d12).

A fair exchange. Swordsman's seriously damaged, but he's using MK's effect die as an asset in his next roll. This gives him enough momentum to potentially be very dangerous.

He is not, however, planning on what happens next. I don't think anyone is.

<Zoftan> MK, who's next? We have Deadpool and the Hydra squad.
<Moon_Knight> Deadpool, make a mess

This is a terrible choice of words.

<&Iron_Man> Do it to it, Deadie!
<Deadpool> So how long would it take DP to make his way back to the Capitol?
<Zoftan> Man, this fight is crazy :D
<&Iron_Man> DESTROY THEM
<Captain_America> But not the wrong kind of mess D:

TOO LATE

<Zoftan> With teleporting abilities? In the interest of keeping the pace going I'll say you could do it in a single turn, using the skills you learned from Cable and playing lots of Uncharted.
<Zoftan> Titanium Man might try to stop you, though.
<Zoftan> The two of you did just crash through the roof together.
<Deadpool> Can I use two sfx from the same powerset at the same time?
<Zoftan> You can!
<Captain_America> If you need any PP, DP, I can pass you one
<&Iron_Man> Same, dude.
<Deadpool> No need I've got enough.
<Deadpool> Well Deadpool is totally insane, pissed off and far away... so he takes out his trusty M252 mortar and he's going to rain pain.

See if you can spot the exact point where I realized he didn't mean "shoot the mortars at Titanium Man".

<Zoftan> Ahahahahaha.
<Captain_America> D:
<Captain_America> WHY
<Moon_Knight> :O
<Zoftan> Should be doable
<Moon_Knight> well, I guess I did say "make a mess"
<&Iron_Man> :|
<&Iron_Man> WELL
<Captain_America> This is going to look so bad ;_;
<&Iron_Man> THERE GOES CONGRESS
<Spider-Man> :||||||||
<Moon_Knight> (apparently Dippy really doesn't like that building)
<Zoftan> Like every session of MHRP, this is the best session of anything ever
<Deadpool> So one PP for the One Man Arsenal, and I'll spend another one for BANG BANG BANG KABOOM, allowing me to target multiple oponents at once.
<Zoftan> ...Wait, you're firing mortars into the Capitol?
<Zoftan> ...........0_0
<&Iron_Man> D:
<&Iron_Man> LINCOLN WOULD NOT BE HAPPY
<Deadpool> I'm lobbing Mortars from the Lincoln Memorial into the capitol.
<Captain_America> Don't miss. ;)

I mean, on the one hand, at least he's just bombing congressmen. On the other, this is on national television, right in the midst of a referendum on whether superheroes should answer to some kind of accountability system.

If nothing else, C-Span has become the most entertaining channel on basic cable as Deadpool begins to fire mortars towards all the enemies...and doesn't roll a single 1.

<Zoftan> Oh WOW.
<Captain_America> Deadpool saves the day!
<Spider-Man> oh my god deadpool
<&Iron_Man> well
<&Iron_Man> canada
<Moon_Knight> ...he still just mortared the capitol building
<Moon_Knight> it's pretty shocking
<&Iron_Man> yeaaaaaaaaaah
<Zoftan> Yeeeeaahhhh.
<Zoftan> Pick one total, and an effect die for each target.
<Captain_America> WHen we started out I thought "man we're going to ace this and Zoftan won't have any plausible way to keep the story arc going"
<Captain_America> And then Deadpool mortars Capitol Hill.
<&Iron_Man> Yeaaaaah
<Captain_America> :3
<Zoftan> Oh trust me, I had contingencies in case you aced this.
<&Iron_Man> Well, jee, I'M GLAD YOU DON'T NEED 'EM THEN

I'm holding on to them, just in case. You know how this group is.

<Zoftan> Titanium Man is in the midst of flying out of the Lincoln Memorial when a mortar comes shooting up from beneath him...
<&Iron_Man> RIGHT UP HIS TITANIUM ASS
<Zoftan> Solo, Short Sighted (d4 and add d8 doom to the pool), Godlike Durability, Supersonic Flight, Combat Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d4
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d4]: 3>
<Moon_Knight> dude, it took you a moment to calculate your MORTAR ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING. This is fine.
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 3>
<Zoftan> There we go.
<Zoftan> D6 doom! He takes only d8 physical stress due to his incredible reinforced armor!
<Zoftan> Still, you hit him pretty hard, and he crashes back through the roof as you continue to fire mortars.

That's another hole in Mr. Lincoln's roof. Two holes in the Memorial plus a car tore up the reflecting pool outside the Washington Monument. That's less collateral damage than I'd expected by this point - fortunately, Deadpool is evening that up a bit.

<Zoftan> Meanwhile...Iron Man, as you chase the sniper, you can clearly see a whole shower of mortars falling towards the Capitol, with a familiar whistling noise.
<&Iron_Man> Also, I want it noted we did not START this fight
<&Iron_Man> ".... Wade."
<Zoftan> Everybody else gets the same noise without the benefit of seeing what's coming, and seconds later, EXPLOSIVES START FALLING INTO THE CONGRESSIONAL MEETING ROOM
<Captain_America> "WAAAAADE"
<Zoftan> Thankfully, the building is in the midst of being evacuated, but now shit's just flying everywhere! Explosions! Chunks of plaster! Tables!
<&Iron_Man> XD
<Zoftan> A mortar clips the tail rotor on the Hydra chopper!
<&Iron_Man> "Jarvis? Get the media department on cleanup mode. We are in deep shit here."
<Zoftan> Another hits the floor and flips a massive desk into the air towards Swordsman...
<&Iron_Man> Finally.
<Zoftan> Team, Superpowered Terrorist, Energy Blast (d12 doom for Second Wind SFX), Combat Master, Weapon (stepped up from reaction to Moon Knight)
<Zoftan> First of all, he's energized, removing his physical stress!
<Zoftan> "Cowards! Cowards with your precious American weapons!"
<Moon_Knight> SOB :|

Oh, cheer up, MK, you can deal d12 stress by sneezing on someone at this point. :|

Some very brief backstory on Swordsman: he and his genetically-engineered twin sister, Andrea, had the special ability to fire energy blasts whenever their skin was in contact. However, Bullseye kinda shanked Andrea a while back, and since then, Andreas has been unable to use his energy blasts.

I told you that story so I could tell you this one:

<Zoftan> Secondly, he turns and does something he should not be able to do - he blasts the desk with energy.
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 8>
<&Iron_Man> ....
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 10>
<&Iron_Man> Oh, you dick.
<Zoftan> Spend another d6 to use three dice, and KABOOM, he blasts it out of the air!
<Captain_America> 8|
<Deadpool> Even if he doesn't get hurt he's still burning doom pool dice
<Zoftan> Buddy, Hail Hydra, Body Armor
<Captain_America> Yeah! WE DO NOT WANT BAD END
<Zoftan> #roll 1d4
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d4]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d4
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d4]: 3>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> A mortar lands between the two of them!
<Zoftan> BOOOOOOOM
<Zoftan> Parts go flying everywhere!
<Captain_America> Gruesome!
<Zoftan> One of the goons is actually blasted in half, and his upper half twitches slightly, tripping one of the journalists bringing up the rear of the escape
<Deadpool> Chunky!
<Zoftan> They don't get a turn because THEY DEAD, and so we cut back to the outside!
<Zoftan> Mysterious Masked Assassin just lost his getaway car, and he fires an exploding arrow into a nearby manhole!
<Zoftan> Looks like he's going to try to jump into the sewer.
<&Iron_Man> OH NO YOU DON'T
<Zoftan> Solo, Rogue, Enhanced Reflexes, Acrobatic Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 2>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 2>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 1>
<Zoftan> Oh wow.
<&Iron_Man> :D
<&Iron_Man> About goddamned time.

This is a golden opportunity to prevent the masked sniper from escaping. I mean, Iron Man just needs to beat a seven. He decides to prevent the sewer escape Bullseye style.

Man, Bullseye is getting a lot of shoutouts this week.

<&Iron_Man> I've still got the arrow, right?
<Zoftan> The EMP one he shot you with? Yeah.
<&Iron_Man> And it's got an adamantium tip?
<Zoftan> It does.
<&Iron_Man> Then I'm going to throw it as hard as I can to pin the goddamned manhole cover to the street.
<Zoftan> Good thinking!
<&Iron_Man> THIS WILL PROBABLY NOT WORK
<Zoftan> Well, you're taking advantage of your suit's super-strength.
<&Iron_Man> Solo, billionare playboy (because people are taking pictures of me and I am fucking posing, bitches), superhuman strength, and... tech master, for targeting.
<&Iron_Man> PHEW, here we go.
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 7>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 3>
<&Iron_Man> YES
<Zoftan> You stopped him!
<&Iron_Man> WHOOO
<&Iron_Man> "NOT SO FAST, LEGOLAS"
<Zoftan> The arrow digs in DEEP and pins the manhole cover back into the street! He can't rip it free, apparently he doesn't have super-strength. Maybe it IS the Taskmaster.
<Captain_America> YEUH
<Zoftan> There's a hiss of frustration and then he turns to run again.

Unfortunately for the masked man, it's Iron Man's turn next, and he's got more nonlethal tricks than just the repulsor.

<&Iron_Man> I don't have time to turn my 'pulsors back on.
<&Iron_Man> SO IT'S TASER TIME
<&Iron_Man> I'm basically going to zip right behind him and tag him with my taser!
<Zoftan> Word.
<&Iron_Man> SOLO, CUTTING EDGE TECH, TECH MASTER, CYBERNETIC SENSES, ELECTROCONDUCTIVE TASER
<&Iron_Man> I want some answers, yo
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 3>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d10]: 3>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d8]: 7>
<&Iron_Man> #roll 1d6
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Iron_Man [1d6]: 2>
<&Iron_Man> Okay.
<&Iron_Man> 12 with a d10 effect. Not great, but.
<&Iron_Man> I'll take it.
<Zoftan> Let's see if he can dodge it...
<Zoftan> Solo, Rogue, Enhanced Reflexes, Acrobatic Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 3>
* &Iron_Man should really amp his weaponry a bit more.
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 2>
<Zoftan> Hey, you got him!
<&Iron_Man> Fuck yeah!
<Zoftan> And...HEY, Escaping was at d8 and your effect die was d10!
<Captain_America> NIIIIICE
<&Iron_Man> CAPITALISM WINS AGAIN
<Zoftan> So with a BZZZZZZZZTTTT, you fire a taser right into the masked assassin's back! He shakes and then collapses on Capitol Hill's driveway, unconscious!
<&Iron_Man> Alright. Going to fly up behind him and... cuff him for the cops.
<&Iron_Man> GET PICTURES OF THAT
<Zoftan> Excellent. You get the masked man sufficiently restrained.

By this point, SHIELD has arrived on the scene, and a group of agents come to help Iron Man secure the prisoner and take him away. It might have been nice if they'd arrived before shelling the Capitol became necessary, but you take what you can get.

<Zoftan> "Who's this guy?"
<Deadpool> Iron Man's think how hard he can kick Deadpool's butt for firing freaking mortars on the Capitol building.
<&Iron_Man> "He's trouble."
<&Iron_Man> I take off the mask.

Seconds later, he calls the rest of the team...

<&Iron_Man> "Captain. You're not going to believe this. The assassin.... it's Clint."
* Captain_America pulls himself together after the HAIL OF MORTARS just in time to hear Iron Man say that.
<Captain_America> And he's quiet for a bit.
<Captain_America> And then he says, "ExCUSE me?"

Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye, was 1) a core member of the original Avengers and, more importantly, 2) killed in action against the Kree last year.

<Zoftan> "Isn't he..." You're not sure if one of the SHIELD agents was going to say "dead" or "on our side" or what, but he ends up shrugging and taking the unconscious Barton away.
<&Iron_Man> "It's... complicated. Look, we can talk about it later. Is everybody okay?"
<&Iron_Man> <_<
<&Iron_Man> >_>
<Zoftan> EVERYBODY IS NOT OKAY
<Zoftan> MORTARS ARE FALLING ON THE CAPITOL AND THE SWORDSMAN IS RUNNING FUCKING WILD
<Captain_America> "Just... hurry back!"

The latter of those issues will be taken care of shortly, at least, because Moon Knight is still in close combat with Swordsman and he's aiming to add another weapon to his collection.

<Zoftan> Andreas is using that sword to fire energy blasts all over the Senatorial chamber.
<Moon_Knight> alright, still in close with the swordsman, I'm going to hurl a bunch of debris etc at him to hopefully keep him distracted and then charge with the truncheon.
<Zoftan> He is particularly annoyed at you because you clocked him over the head.
<Zoftan> Excellent, let's see it!

He rolls a devastating extraordinary success with a d12 effect die - effectively, a oneshot.

<Moon_Knight> I'm looking to take him down and decapitate him with his own sword, mostly
<&Iron_Man> We are the most mediapathic avengers ever.
<Zoftan> I'll oblige, just for you. A series of energy blasts knocks the flying debris away!
<Moon_Knight> VENGEANCE FOR THE SENATOR
<Spider-Man> BLOOD FOR BLOOD
<Zoftan> But this is all the time you need to get up close and give him a good smack to the jaw! A blast goes wide and--d8 doom--strikes the Hydra chopper, sending it spiralling towards the Lincoln Memorial where Titanium Man and Deadpool are!
<Moon_Knight> The American people will demand the death of the one responsible for mortaring Capitol Hill. Wade can't die, this is the next best thing.
<Zoftan> The impact from your strike sends von Strucker sprawling against a desk, and his sword flies into the air! He reaches for it! "Andrea! No!"
* Moon_Knight leaps for the sword, bringing it down hard.
<Zoftan> THWACK
<&Iron_Man> Man, if Moon Knight takes it, he's going to have quite the collect- daaaaaaaaaamn
* Deadpool looks at the chopper... "Yep one of those days..."
<Zoftan> And on LIVE TELEVISION, Moon Knight decapitates the Swordsman with his own weapon, sending a rather artsy blood spray over the Senate seal at the front of the room.
<Moon_Knight> XD
<Zoftan> Let me tell you, C-Span has NEVER been this awesome.
* &Iron_Man winces.
<Zoftan> The purple-clad corpse slumps to the ground, and you've got another sword!
<Spider-Man> Osborn would be proud.
<Moon_Knight> temptation to collect faces... rising...

In the awesomeness of that moment, you may have missed the part about the Hydra chopper taking an energy blast and being about to crash into the Lincoln Memorial in about five seconds. Deadpool certainly didn't, probably because it's barreling down on him at near-terminal velocity.

<Zoftan> All right, there is now a chopper spiraling towards the two of you, Deadpool. This could theoretically be very bad.
<Zoftan> Particularly since Titanium Man, having been knocked out of the sky by your mortar, is now very upset with you.
<Zoftan> "You hear that sound, American? It is the sound of your demise! One way or another, everything ends for you today!"
<Zoftan> You're Canadian, but everyone who isn't Russian is "American" to him.
<Moon_Knight> "Annyong." "AMERICAN SCUM"
<Zoftan> :D
* Deadpool puts on his shades, "You know... you're wrong on so many things... Let me educate you."

For the record, if I were a supervillain, I would consider my career complete if I got to do what Titanium Man does next.

<Zoftan> Either way, it looks like he's exceptionally mad, because using his godlike strength, he PICKS UP THE STATUE OF LINCOLN
<Deadpool> ....
* Deadpool's shades slide from his face.

DESECRATIOUS, BABY

<&Iron_Man> ......
<Zoftan> Wrenching it from the ground, he tries to overhead-smash you with the Great Emancipator!
<&Iron_Man> Goddammit.
<&Iron_Man> The Masons are going to be PISSED.
<Zoftan> Solo, Soon Not So Funny, Yes?, Godlike Strength, Combat Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 3>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 10>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 5>
<Zoftan> 15, d10 effect die!
<Captain_America> YOU CAN DO IT DP
<Captain_America> DASH ZOFTAN'S HOPES AND DREAMS
<&Iron_Man> MAKE HIM PAAAAAAAAAAAY
<&Iron_Man> Nah, it's awesome, dude.
* Deadpool decides that the best defense is a good offense so, he counter attacks guns blazing running straight at the super powered human, counting on his reflexes to evade the incoming Lincoln.
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 6>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d8]: 1>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 2>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d12]: 12>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 7>
<Captain_America> There we go. :D

A perfect counter.

<Zoftan> As the chopper continues to spin out out of control towards the memorial, you hit the ground and slide under the flying statue of Lincoln!
<&Iron_Man> Dude, my Illuminati masters
<&Iron_Man> their perfect pentagram
<&Iron_Man> nooooooo
<Zoftan> You ALSO slide between Titanium Man's legs, so now he and the statue are between you and the chopper, and it is your turn!
<&Iron_Man> deadpool you've killed america
<Zoftan> AMERICA DIED
<Zoftan> jameson can't stop crying
<&Iron_Man> I CAN'T STOP CRYING
<&Iron_Man> XD
<Captain_America> Hahaha
<Captain_America> In addition to passing the SHRA by an overwhelming margin, Congress also voted today to declare war against Canada
<&Iron_Man> Logan quoted as saying "snikt bub bub snikt"
<Zoftan> Blame Canada!

He has just enough time to get in a cheap shot and run, if he so desires - which is always, with Deadpool.

<Zoftan> You have literally two seconds before the helicopter crashes. What action do you take?
* Deadpool sticks a grenade on the guys back.

Hey, when all you have is a bomb, everything starts to look like November 5.

<Deadpool> solo, insane, grenades, reflexes, combat master
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 8>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d8]: 3>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 3>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d12]: 11>
<Deadpool> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Deadpool [1d10]: 8>
<Zoftan> The downside of Titanium Man is that his targeting systems can only do so much for a total lack of situational awareness.
<Deadpool> spend a pp and get 19 with d12 as effect die
<Zoftan> His reflexes are also poor, since the suit is gigantic and VERY HEAVY
<Zoftan> Solo, Short Sighted (d4), Cybernetic Senses (to sense the grenade), Combat Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 7>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d4
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d4]: 3>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d6
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d6]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 5>
<&Iron_Man> ....
<Zoftan> For these reasons, he doesn't quite get a chance to react as you plant a bomb on him and leap free of the memorial.
<&Iron_Man> WHEW
<Zoftan> A second later, it goes off, which knocks him forward...
<Zoftan> ...into a crashing helicopter coming from the other direction.
<Moon_Knight> :D
<Zoftan> The explosion is easily visible from Capitol Hill.
<&Iron_Man> ....
<&Iron_Man> We are in so much trouble, guys.
<Zoftan> Iron Man can see it easily from the front lawn, but a GIANT SECTION OF THE WALL is gone in the senate's room, so the rest of you can too! :D
<&Iron_Man> :|
<&Iron_Man> Whyyyyyyy



* Deadpool opens his commlink, "I took care of Titanium Man for you."
<&Iron_Man> "Wade. You have lost your pizza privileges at Stark Tower."
<Deadpool> "What did I do now?"
<Zoftan> And...it's actually pretty quiet now, apart from the wail of sirens, the sound of SHIELD transports approaching, the shouting and screaming of bystanders, somebody yelling orders over a city-wide PA system...
<Zoftan> Okay, it's actually not very quiet.

The Avengers reconvene out in front of the Capitol Building and take in the scene. There's a lot of injured people and destroyed property, and SHIELD medics are doing what they can to make sure everyone's stable. The rubble isn't being cleared yet - that'll take a day or so to mobilize - and right now, all people can do is help with the evacuations and tend to the wounded.

<&Iron_Man> "I'm going to call Stark Industries, see if we can't... donate... monies."
<Zoftan> Another pair of agents are moving a transport out - that's where they put Hawkeye.
<Moon_Knight> "That.... That's a good idea."
<Captain_America> "A lot of monies."
<Deadpool> "Can I get some?"
* Captain_America helps the injured toward medics, into ambulances. "No, Wade."
* &Iron_Man GLARES at Deadpool.
<Moon_Knight> I'm thinking that "make a mess" was not the best thing to say to Deadpool.

“Before, you are wise; after, you are wise. In between you are otherwise” - David Zindell, The Broken God

<Zoftan> You can see Black Panther among the relief workers - a king, down in the mud and working alongside foreigners to perform first aid on the injured.
<&Iron_Man> "Everything okay down here?"
<Captain_America> "I don't know."
<Deadpool> "Bit hungry now you ask..."
<Captain_America> "I haven't seen this much destruction since... well. Since last week, I guess."
<&Iron_Man> "I WAS TALKING TO T'CHALLA"
<Zoftan> T'Challa eyes you soberly. "I have seen worse, but now is not a time for comparisons. Let us turn our attention to aiding these people."
<Captain_America> "Way ahead of you," says the Captain, as he helps an EMT hoist a wounded page onto a stretcher.
<Captain_America> "You're gonna be just fine, kid."
<Zoftan> "Good. We shall meet later, as arranged, but for now, there is work to be done."
* &Iron_Man starts calling Stark Industries construction crews to help with... well, shit, anything.

There's a few minutes for downtime - Cap spends it helping the medics, Iron Man calls in some backup for cleaning up the mess, and everybody else kinda does their own thing.

<Zoftan> "It was Spider-Man," says a correspondent to her cameraman as you pass. "Spider-Man saved us, he risked his life to help us get out the front..."
<Moon_Knight> Spiderman's clearing of that debris seems somehow prescient now.
<Zoftan> Senator Kelly apparently got out okay; he's sitting on the steps of the capitol amidst a crowd of aides, looking shellshocked.
<Spider-Man> Spider-Man starts to wonder what became of Jameson.
* Moon_Knight for his part is sitting on a step, apparently conversing with the Swordsman.
<&Iron_Man> ... but you beheaded - oh
<Spider-Man> Oh, Moon Knight.
<Zoftan> You do in fact have a brand new sword, MK, and the decapitated hallucination lounging alongside you is remonstrating you to take care of it.
<Zoftan> Meanwhile, Spider-Man's keen senses help him follow a trail of shouting - JJ's still looking for Parker in the crowd to make sure he's okay.
<Zoftan> "Spider-Man!" he yells, pointing. "How can you show your face? If your kind wasn't here they wouldn't have attacked!" He's quickly hushed by some others in the crowd, though - they remember what you did.
<Spider-Man> Hehehe.
<Zoftan> Meanwhile, on the step, "--and so it was then that I figured out how to keep her with me forever," gurgles Not-Swordsman through his stump of a neck. "It was the skin, the perfect skin. She wasn't using it anymore, and I knew she'd want to stay together, so I had a hilt made..."
<Captain_America> D:
<&Iron_Man> yeaaaah
* Deadpool is just talking to someone at random "You know this isn't first time someone tried to use Lincoln to stump me, we... Lincoln and I go way back..."
<Zoftan> Well...overall, this has been a day of varying extremes.
<&Iron_Man> THAT'S PUTTING IT LIGHTLY.
<Zoftan> Everything you've done is going to be all over the news tomorrow, of course, and it's...ehhhh, it could actually be worse!
<Moon_Knight> Not by a lot, but it could be worse!
<Captain_America> Slightly!

It really could. This stuff's probably all over Youtube already, and the news media will be streaming stuff from it within the hour. On the one hand, Deadpool shelled the Capitol Building and the Lincoln Memorial has been destroyed, plus all the casualties and property damage, plus Hawkeye, an Avenger (and mysteriously alive!), tried to assassinate one of the primary minds behind the SHRA bill. On the other hand, Spider-Man's on camera risking his life to save a whole bunch of people, the Avengers defeated the guys who started the attack, and they foiled the assassination attempt on Senator Kelly, who's on the SHRA steering committee and might have come around a bit on his view of metahumans.

Still, only time will tell what the full extent of the fallout from today's events will be. They might wake up tomorrow and discover the public's totally on their side because the Swordsman was a terrorist who got what was coming to them, or that their funding from SHIELD's getting cut off because they mounted an attack on the entire legislative branch of the US Government. But the SHRA, for the moment, is in limbo.

At least, as long as something like this doesn't happen again anytime soon.

* Spider-Man ducks out for a moment, and fishes his phone out from... a pocket.
<Spider-Man> I figure now would be a good time to hit speed-dial and reassure Jameson that Spider-Man hasn't eaten me.
<Zoftan> Haha, yes. That is an excellent choice.
<Zoftan> "PARKER? Thank god! I thought Spider-Man had sold you to the terrorists! I was calling up my bank in the Caymans to get the ransom payments ready!"
<Zoftan> A pause.
<Zoftan> "Where the hell were you?! Why didn't you get any pictures of the attack? You're fired!"
<Zoftan> Another pause.
<Zoftan> "Wait, no, you're my ride back to New York. You're hired again!"
<Spider-Man> "Mr. Jameson, I--"
<Spider-Man> "Thank you?"
<Spider-Man> <3 JJJ
<Zoftan> "You're welcome, Parker, just don't let it happen again! Look, the van survived, so we have to get moving soon, I can't get any reception out here. I think Not-Iron-Man took out an antenna or something."
<&Iron_Man> J^3 is an amazing individual.
<Spider-Man> "You got it, Mr. Jameson. Just give me a sec."
<Zoftan> "ATTABOY." And just like everyone in the movies, he doesn't say 'goodbye', just hangs up the phone.
<Spider-Man> "Mr. Jameson? Mr. Jameso-- oh."

One thing, as the Avengers sift through the rubble on Capitol Hill, is certain, though: when Coulson finds out about this they're going to catch holy hell.

Next issue: A Surprise From Asgard

I'd just like to note that at the beginning of this session, Zoft provided us with a picture of the Capitol building and the area around it (since Spiderman and I are Canadian and Deadpool is played by a Belgian). Dippy's reaction at the time was "Yes, I've seen it, you don't exactly hide it."

...And then he mortared it.

"...I see. Well, Ms. Hill, I suppose now's as good a time as any for you to debrief me."

NOW YOU KNOW WHY IRON MAN DRINKS

HE HAS TO DEAL WITH TEAMMATES LIKE THIS

Called it! The quieter Deadpool is, the worse he's about to be!

I wish to point out at this time that I bare no ill will towards the United States of America or the Capitol building (which I quite like,) I just played it the way Deadpool would handle it... which is to say getting the job done regardless of the collateral damage.

And I also stand by my statement that you Americans do not hide your Capitol building, which I do not a reproach, -as I said its nice enough on the eyes- it is just a statement of fact.

On a special limited-edition variant cover holofoil Marvel Heroic Roleplaying oneshot...



<Zoftan> Maria Hill gives the SHIELD monitors a weary thousand-yard stare.
<Zoftan> "We're cleaning up the mess, of course. Casualties were...lower than expected, given the situation."
<Zoftan> On the screen is the smoking ruins of Capitol Hill.
* PhilCoulson stares at the image - as well as the insta-replays of Deadpool mortaring the capitol - without saying a word.
* PhilCoulson inhales deeply through his nose. "This...well. That could have gone better."
<Zoftan> "...Yeah. I have the feeling your job's going to get harder in the next few months, Agent. We're liaisoning with the White House to coordinate repairs, but the way the media's talking, they might end up pushing harder for the SHRA bill."
* PhilCoulson 's mind is already on sorting out the logistics for Registration if/when it occurs. Not because he looks forward to it, but better to plan ahead, you know?
<Zoftan> "It's not guaranteed, of course." She leans back in her chair. "I mean, they saved some lives, made a decent impression outside of...well, the mortars."
<Zoftan> "We should be okay, I think, as long as something like this doesn't happen again."
* PhilCoulson 's eyes flick at her with a certain amount of media awareness.
<Zoftan> "Anyway. Sorry you had to come back to the news. Let's go over the debrief from your, uh, escapade in Broxton."
* PhilCoulson coughs and stands a little straighter. "Uh, right. Now, as I was saying..."

PHIL COULSON: AGENT OF SHIELD
Side Issue: The Hammer Falls

Starring DWICK as AGENT PHIL COULSON

Shortly after the incident in Hell's Kitchen, it was decided that SHIELD needed to get a better idea of what they'd been up against in order to prevent this kind of stuff from happening again. After all, there's so many times you can have a dragon rampaging through New York City before people start to ask 'shouldn't there be a plan in place for this kind of thing'.

(That number of times is 'one'.)

As someone who'd been on ground zero, the newly-appointed head of the Department of Metahuman Relations, Agent Phil Coulson, was the obvious choice to investigate further. Plus, in a stroke of luck, he still had the Latverian staff you'd used against Fin Fang Foom, and the remnants of Lucia von Bardas's technology. Left to learn more about the tech, he thought carefully: who's the smartest man in the world? Who does he have ready access to that could tell you everything there is to know about portals and Latverian supertechnology?

<PhilCoulson> The man whose name is scrawled on the staff, that's who.

Bingo. Cue a shot of Coulson at a bus stop, an overly long briefcase in his hands, and the next thing we know, he's at the Baxter Building to seek the aid of Dr. Reed Richards, leader of the Fantastic Four.

<Zoftan> Thankfully the FF weren't in the Negative Zone or something, and he had time to let you into the lab while he ran a few experiments. As we pick up on the scene, the two of you are looking at the staff under some kind of large screen that diagrams its interior components.
<Zoftan> "A fascinating piece of tech," Reed observes. "There's a basic quantum tearing function that could be expanded upon to create a portal along the lines of the one you encountered."
<Zoftan> You can see Ben Grimm and Jonny Storm through the lab's window, daring each other to poke some strange glowy sphere hanging between a pair of electrified needles.
<PhilCoulson> "So you're saying that with this, we could--"
* PhilCoulson watches Storm reach out and get zapped.
<Zoftan> Reed sighs. "Hang on one second."
<Zoftan> He stretches at the waist, leaving his lower half in the room with you while his upper half heads over to scold Jonny in the other room.

While the Human Torch tries his best to make himself radioactive, let's take a second to look at the chronological situation. This is several hours after Moon Knight and Deadpool's attack on the hijacked airliner, meaning it's the afternoon before the Congressional hearing and the whole mortar incident.

<Zoftan> After a moment, he returns.
<Zoftan> "Apologies, Agent."
<PhilCoulson> "Ah, of course. Anyway, as you were...saying?"
<PhilCoulson> "...So we could use this to create our own portals from which that...well, dragon, for lack of a better word, came from?"
<PhilCoulson> *eyebrow arch*
<Zoftan> "Yes, with a device like this, if the core mechanism were expanded on, we could see phenomena similar to what you saw." He stretches an arm across the room and picks up a very large book. "Are you familiar with how portal effects work, Agent Coulson?"
* PhilCoulson gives the look he always gives Stark when he starts going off an his suits' latest efficiency designs.
<Zoftan> "Right. It's difficult to simplify, ah..." You get the impression it's difficult for him to simplify anything beyond multiple-PhD language.
<Zoftan> "Essentially, let's say we have multiple dimensions. Now, they co-exist within the same spatial area, but they contain different worlds, so to speak."
<PhilCoulson> "...Yes?"

Coulson's familiar with this kind of spiel - hanging around Tony Stark gives you a certain appreciation for technobabble, and a much greater appreciation for brevity and layman's terms, which are fleeting around this type of people.

<Zoftan> "Technology like this works by removing the fundamental physical forces separating those dimensions. In layman's terms, it's like tearing a hole in the fabric of this reality, and being able to step through into another one. Where, for example, uh..."
<Zoftan> "Humans might not be carbon based there. Or everyone would have goatees. Or so on."
<PhilCoulson> "Or here there be dragons?"

Shut the fuck up about this not being how science works. It is a god damn comic book.

<Zoftan> "Exactly," he nods. "Here. Take this, it'll be useful as a reference."
<Zoftan> Reed hands you the book. It is enormous and not as accessible as you might like.
* PhilCoulson struggles slightly under the weight. It is COMICALLY large.

With that brief lecture on portal physics, plus a huge book to feed into the database, Coulson has attained a new specialty. He is now a d8 Cosmic Expert - sort of a freebie, to make up for not being able to show up for the last few sessions.

<Zoftan> "In practice, of course, it's difficult to summarize all the factors that lead into--" Your communicator beeps.
<PhilCoulson> "Excuse me."
<Zoftan> "Of course."
* PhilCoulson puts a finger to his earpiece. "Coulson."
* PhilCoulson also shifts the book awkwardly in his arms to be able to do that in the first place.
<Zoftan> The Deputy Director is on the other line. "Coulson, it's Drew. Afraid I'm gonna have to cut your assignment short, we just had a situation come up and you're the closest asset we can trust to handle it."
<PhilCoulson> "What's the situation?"
<Zoftan> "We just had an unidentified extradimensional object throw off our sensors in the southern US. Looks like it fell from the atmosphere and impacted somewhere in the Dust Bowl."
<Zoftan> "Sensors are finally back online, so we can pinpoint it, but we're getting major interference - this could be an Alpha-level situation."
* PhilCoulson blinks.
<PhilCoulson> "Any idea what this...object...looks like?"
<Zoftan> "It could be a lot of things - we're working on getting people on-site to set up a containment facility. The effects are consistent with the last time Thor showed up." She sounds kinda hopeful.
<Zoftan> "...but they're also consistent with that Hydra terror carrier powered by the Cosmic Cube, so don't get your hopes up."

Thor has been missing for quite some time, for perspective. He returned to Asgard to help fight the battle of Ragnarok, and since then, has not returned to Earth. Unbeknownst to Earth, he replaced his dead father, Odin, as the All-Father and king of Asgard, then entered into the Odinsleep to help his realm recover. Nobody knows this, however, so as far as they know he just vanished.

<PhilCoulson> There's an awkward moment as Coulson stands there. Then:
<PhilCoulson> "...I see. I'm on my way."
* PhilCoulson looks at Richards. "Terribly sorry to cut this short, but, well..."
<Zoftan> "I understand," Reed says pleasantly. "SHIELD business and all. If you need anything more from us, Agent, you can always call."
<PhilCoulson> "Strategic Homeland...yes."
* PhilCoulson starts to offer a hand, overbalances slightly...then shifts the book on his arm, offering a hand at an angle no normal human could reach."
* PhilCoulson looks sheepish.
<Zoftan> Reed stretches an arm around to shake your hand.
<Zoftan> He seems pretty understanding about it.

Back in the present...

<Zoftan> "We'll be better prepared in the future, at least," says Director Hill. "Keeping up with Latverian tech's more of a challenge than people think. Good work, Coulson."
<PhilCoulson> "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he replies. "New York has enough running around without, well, Gandalf on the scene."
* PhilCoulson meant Smaug.
<Zoftan> That gets a chuckle, at least. "So, let's move on here...Broxton, Oklahoma. Doesn't look like much, does it?"
<Zoftan> The monitors GPS their way around the southern US for a minute, then zoom in on some backwater in the middle of nowhere.
<Zoftan> There's a big red "IMPACT SITE" marking on it.
<PhilCoulson> "Well...neither does the average meta."
<PhilCoulson> "Aside from, well, the spandex."
<Zoftan> "Fair point, although seeing Ghost Rider in person kind of skews that a little." An aide brings two Aquafina bottles, and Hill offers you one.
<PhilCoulson> Who am I to say no? :D
<Zoftan> After a long sip of water..."The Deputy Director handled it well, I think. We had men on the scene within thirty minutes, and I think it was only about an hour before she got you over there. Benefits of SHIELD tech, heh."
<PhilCoulson> All Hill gets back is a smile.
<Zoftan> "So. I'm not totally clear on the nature of the attack, being as you're the only one who's reported back yet."
<Zoftan> Her lips purse.
<Zoftan> "What was the situation when you got there?"
<PhilCoulson> "Like your average day involving an extradimensional item," he replies. "Wacky and comic, then...well."
<Zoftan> "Mmhmm."
<Zoftan> HARP STRINGS

Flying out to the deserts outside Broxton, Coulson discovers that SHIELD agents have already begun setting up a perimeter around the impact site. It's a small task force, not terribly impressive or well-armed, but they've got a prefabricated containment zone up and running.

<Zoftan> It has opaque walls and a roof with a skylight, which is better than nothing - at least it'll let you get out of the sun.
<Zoftan> As you step out of the humvee with your driver, one of the three SHIELD techs on site greets you. "Sir! You're from HQ?"
* PhilCoulson walks up, finger on his earpiece, and flashes her his ID badge. "Situation?"
<Zoftan> "We've got a class-one meta incident, sir, extradimensional contact. We just got the perimeter set up - follow me."
<Zoftan> She heads past the other two techs into the containment unit, leading you towards the crater in the center. The skylight overhead gives you a clear view of the hot sun, which shines down directly into the center of the crater.
<Zoftan> Disappointingly, it is not Thor. It is, however, his hammer, Mjolnir - stuck head-down into a large rock in the middle of the impact site, just like when he first came to Earth.
* PhilCoulson puts his hands on his hips and observes the crater. And tsks.
<Zoftan> "Sir is that, uh..."
<PhilCoulson> "Well, Mr. Odinson, what did you do /this/ time?"
<Zoftan> "What sort of measures are we supposed to be taking here? We tried to move it off-site with an LEV, but even the mark 1 couldn't pick it up."
<PhilCoulson> "...Can't say I'm surprised. All records suggest the Hammer as being a 'Chosen One' kind of artifact."
* PhilCoulson looks around at the surrounding desert.
<Zoftan> "Great. We're going to have to request more from the department if we need to set up a permanent installation around here."
<PhilCoulson> "I doubt it's going to stick around that long."

It rarely does. For the unaware, the hammer is enchanted specifically to only allow the worthy to lift it. Its definition of worthiness is...lofty, to say the least. Still, the worthy tend to be drawn to it, so Coulson's probably right about something happening soon.

<Zoftan> "Good to know. Well, if that's the case, nothing to do but monitor it until--"
<PhilCoulson> "Right. Reinforce the perimeter for now. And check local hospitals for long-haired blonde men with temper control issues."
<Zoftan> And it is then that you hear a shout of alarm and an explosion from outside.

Yup, there it is.

* PhilCoulson blinks - and points at the nearest Comms official. "Status report."
<Zoftan> "All the exterior satellite connections just dropped, sir!" shouts the panicked commsman. "We don't have any signal out here!"
* PhilCoulson sighs.
<Zoftan> Your driver dashes into the mini-facility, gun in hand - unlike the technicians, he's armed.
<PhilCoulson> "I really hope whoever just did that doesn't have black hair."
<Zoftan> "Agent Coulson! We need to get you to safety, there's a security breach!"
* PhilCoulson grabs his pistol.
<Zoftan> "The Humvee's been destroyed - we'll have to comm for an extraction."
<Zoftan> It's...getting dark outside, somehow. It's four thirty in the afternoon, the sky should not be darkening.
* PhilCoulson looks at the nearest comm screen. "Give me visual confirmation."
<Zoftan> "Trying, sir. Hang on, connecting directly with the front camera..."
<Zoftan> The monitors pop up with a feed from out front, just in time to see the flaming wreckage of your hummer flying towards the screen.
<Zoftan> CRASH

Well, this is off to a fantastic start. The thing about people being drawn to the hammer is that even if they think they're worthy, they aren't always - and those are the types who tend to be pretty combative in trying to claim what's 'theirs'.

* PhilCoulson sighs, tries to hail Hill - though he's fairly sure he knows what the result will be.
<Zoftan> You're not getting any answer while the satellite relays are down, it seems. As for the impact, the front door is reinforced, but it's not going to hold up against that. The structure crumples inwardly, and then a moment later, both doors are wrenched open seemingly by themselves.
<Zoftan> AND THROUGH THE SMOKE AND THE FLAMES...



<PhilCoulson> ...
* PhilCoulson quorks an eyebrow.

Uh...

<Zoftan> "...Okay, stop."
<Zoftan> Hill stares at you.
<Aphin> ...
<PhilCoulson> "Too much?"
<Zoftan> "...You're telling me Victor von Doom was in the middle of Broxton, and just waltzed right up to the installation, despite being dead."
<PhilCoulson> "I don't see how this is so hard to swallow. Stranger things have happened; Agent Spatula was put on active duty on the Capitol, after all."
<Zoftan> She sighs.
* PhilCoulson smiles.
<Zoftan> "Point. All right, what happened next?"

Flash back again.

<PhilCoulson> "Well..."
<PhilCoulson> "...Hello, Victor."
* PhilCoulson smiles.
<Zoftan> There's already two out of three techs sprawled on the floor, that leaves you, your driver, and the technician on the comms. And with the regal grace of a conqueror, Doctor Doom strides through the doors and stares at the rest of you.
<Zoftan> "Do not presume to address Doom unless first addressed, minions of SHIELD."
<PhilCoulson> "You know, you could could have just knocked."
<Zoftan> "The weapon of Asgard is here. I felt its power as it tore a hole between dimensions, and followed it from the pits of Hell back to this...quaint American hamlet."
<Zoftan> "You will surrender it to the rightful custody of Doom."

This is a very serious situation for Coulson. Victor von Doom is a master sorcerer and a technological genius. He's basically the antagonist of Marvel itself. The doom pool is named for him. It might actually be safer to elude him and call for backup - there's no way the Agent, as resourceful as he is, can take Doom in a straight-up fight.

In fact, I originally planned for Coulson to be captured while defending the hammer, which would give us a lead-in for the next major session - having the Avengers rescue him from Doom and an army of mechanical minions.

<PhilCoulson> "You know, I believe Latverian custody rights have a statue of limitations. Particularly when it involves the death of heads of state."
<PhilCoulson> "You look very...robust...for someone who just died, by the way."
<Zoftan> He laughs, and his shoulders and cape shake mightily.
<Zoftan> "The gates of Hell could not contain the unparalleled majesty of Doom - Latveria cannot be without a ruler."
<Zoftan> "Now, stand aside as I claim the weapon, and with it I will return to my birthright in Castle Doom, to once again become the greatest sovereign in this world or the next."
<Zoftan> He looks slightly unhinged. The whole extradimensional trip thing may have been a lot for him to go through.

This isn't the agent's first time around the block, though. He knows one of the most reliable traits of a supremely arrogant supervillain is that they love to explain just how powerful or intelligent they are. Counting on this, Coulson provokes a monologue.

<PhilCoulson> "Oh come now, Mr. von Doom. That''s /hardly/ an explanation. At least regale us with the tale of how you came to be before us today."
<Zoftan> There is a long moment as he considers this, then: "So be it. Doom will grant you the audience you desire, if only so that you may spread the word that his genius knows no equals."
* PhilCoulson spreads his hands and cocks his head - the very definition of the expression "...well?"
<Zoftan> "I was trapped in that hellish dimension by the treacherous Richards, who sought to keep me imprisoned forever so that the world could no longer behold his inadequacy when measured against Doom."
<Zoftan> "It was a challenge worthy of a monarch such as myself, but using my unparalleled mastery of the mystic arts, I defeated and subjugated Mephisto's sniveling minions, making myself a force to be reckoned with."
* PhilCoulson motions for a chair from the direction opposite Mjolnir.
<Zoftan> One of the aides, trembling openly and kind of knock-kneed, brings you a chair to settle down in.
* PhilCoulson takes a seat and smiles.
<Zoftan> "At last, however, I beheld a wondrous sight - a falling star, burning with the light of unmatched power! It tore through the dimensional fabrics as it fell, creating a multiversal portal before my eyes."
<Zoftan> "I knew then that I beheld true power - power worthy of Doom!"
<PhilCoulson> "Really?"
<PhilCoulson> "What'd it look like?"
<PhilCoulson> "I mean, it's not often that such falling stars come before us. You know, sniveling pathetic mortals and such."
<Zoftan> "Silence! Doom's story will continue unabated! It was a magnificent hammer, a weapon of the Aesir. As I looked upon it, I knew it was my destiny to wield the power of Asgard and all the nine realms alongside my own."
<Zoftan> "As the wretched demon-creatures leapt for it, I cast them aside with my magics!" He actually gestures with an arm upon saying this, but somehow it comes off more impressive than laughable. "And I leapt through the gate between worlds, crashing once again into Earth, where the weapon had landed!"
* PhilCoulson crosses a leg, leaning forward, "entranced..." though he uses the motion to conceal himself reaching for a PDA.
<Zoftan> Doom is absorbed in his recounting of the story, and does not notice.

Let's see what he's planning...

<Zoftan> "Now! At last, I have sought out the source of Asgardian power, and like Prometheus of old, I will steal fire from the gods!"
<PhilCoulson> You say he's engrossed in his story?
<Zoftan> He is.
<Zoftan> He's clearly coming to a conclusion, though, so if you're going to act, now is the time
* PhilCoulson pounds the button on his PDA. Any missiles that are intact in either his Hummer or local munitions stocks arm themselves and lock on target.
* PhilCoulson then dashes out of his chair for Mjolnir, sending his chair flying.
<Zoftan> As the shattered humvee bleeps, Doom's attention is immediately drawn - "What? TREACHERY"

Doom was so absorbed in his monologue that he rolls pitifully low, yielding a triple extraordinary success. Coulson rushes to Mjolnir's makeshift pedestal, seeking to secure the hammer, as the missiles destroy a chunk of the facility and reduce Doctor Doom to a smoking heap in a pile of rubble.

Well, that was anticlimactic.

<Zoftan> The driver approaches, gun pointed. "...Agent Coulson? I think, uh. Oh my god. Sir, I think you killed him."
<Zoftan> He leans down by the body.
<PhilCoulson> "Don't."
<Zoftan> "Eh?"
<PhilCoulson> "He was dead last year--"
<Zoftan> As you reach the hammer, which is safe and has not been stolen in your absence, the agent picks up one of Doom's severed arms.
<Zoftan> It's sparking at the end.
<PhilCoulson> If it's possible to sigh mid-sprint, Coulson is doing so.

...Oh.

<Zoftan> And that's when THE REAL DOOM bursts through the opposite wall, gleaming with magic and very displeased.
<PhilCoulson> "Just open fire."
<Zoftan> "YOUR IMPERTINENCE NO LONGER AMUSES ME."
<Zoftan> The driver and the comms tech both start shooting at him - she's got a taser, at least - and he just shrugs off a full-auto barrage like it's nothing.
<PhilCoulson> please tell me i'm at the hammer
<Zoftan> A quick lash of one hand repulsors the tech through the wall, and another picks up the driver in some kind of gleaming mystical bands, then throws him through the skylight.
<Zoftan> You are at the hammer, yes.
<Zoftan> He has to go through you to get to it.
<Zoftan> Unfortunately, he is dead-set on doing exactly that, and stomping straight for you with his hands glowing.
<Zoftan> "You will receive no mercy from Doom, peon of SHIELD! Doom's wrath is ill-earned and ill-paid for!"

It was then that I, Uatu the Watcher, discovered I had misinterpreted Coulson's intentions in defending the hammer. Or, well, less his intentions and more his intended methods of doing so. Either way, the whole game changes right here.

In the interest of posterity, I kept the OOC reactions for this next part.

* PhilCoulson looks at him, then the hammer...and closes his eyes, hoping this works.
<Zoftan> And with that I think we're officially in combat - do you have any reflexes/senses powers--
* PhilCoulson grabs the handle and pulls up.
<Zoftan> oh my god
<Aphin> Oh.
<Aphin> Fuck.
<SteelUnifier> YES
<Zoftan> Um
<Zoftan> Hang on a second, let me check the rules
<Aphin> NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL, ZOFT
<Aphin> HAHAHAHAHA
<Zoftan> Okay, there's actually rules for this!
<Aphin> Wait
<Aphin> What
<Aphin> THERE ARE RULES FOR HANDLING MJOLNIR
<Aphin> WHAT
<Zoftan> TO MY CONSIDERABLE RELIEF

In order to lift the hammer, you have to roll against the doom pool plus an extra d12 (representing Odin's enchantment), using any traits you can justify as representing your worthiness.

As I discover, Coulson can justify a LOT of traits.

<PhilCoulson> "Okay, please work, please work, please work, please work..."
<PhilCoulson> Cap Fanboy (fan of Righteousness), Deadpan and Unshakeable (Valor), Psych Master for understanding the state of mind Thor had to be in to reclaim the hammer, Agent Needs Assistance (the hammer is used to protect others)...
<PhilCoulson> Requisition (goddamn this would be a hell of a weapon to protect the people with)...
<Aphin> .... that may be stretching it.
<PhilCoulson> okay fine
<Zoftan> Nah, he's grabbing a resource, ANA counts for that
<PhilCoulson> !!
<Aphin> Fair nuff, holmes
* SteelUnifier leans forward in her seat.
<PhilCoulson> and solo, of course

The air hangs heavy and for a moment, it seems that all the multiverse is focused on this very moment. Total silence reigns in Midgard, and Coulson rolls very high - the doom pool has to beat a whopping 21.

<Zoftan> The sky parts overhead! Lightning strikes all around the installation!
<Zoftan> Thunder crashes in the distance, and as your hand closes around the hammer, a distant voice from before the world was shaped bellows:
<Zoftan> "WHOSOEVER HOLDS THIS HAMMER"
<Zoftan> "IF HE BE WORTHY"
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d12]: 5>
<Zoftan> "SHALL POSSESS THE POWER OF THOR"



<SteelUnifier> YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
<Aphin> FUCK
<Aphin> YEAH
<Abad> I arrived in time for amazingness, this is pleasing
* PhilCoulson thrusts the hammer into the air, looking about as surprised as everyone else here..
<Zoftan> You hoist Mjolnir aloft, and there's a blinding flash of light as a bolt strikes right into the hammer's head!
<Zoftan> And as the light clears, everything is different. Some of the differences are subtle - the wing tips on the ends of your sunglasses, the Yggdrassil-like flourishes at the end of your tie.
<SteelUnifier> :D :D :D
<Aphin> I think I'm coming
<Zoftan> But the others! A flowing cape cascades from your shoulders, and the material of your suit gains a scaled quality, almost like chainmail.

With the hammer lifted, Coulson gains an extraordinary powerset - previously, he had to focus more on creating assets and giving support on the battlefield, but Mjolnir's powers are based around one thing: kicking ass.

<PhilCoulson> ...Oh my god.
<Zoftan> Needless to say, DOOM IS LIVID.
* PhilCoulson blinks.
<PhilCoulson> "Huh."
<Zoftan> "This...this is an outrage," he seethes. "To behold the weapon of the gods in the hands of the unworthy!"
<Zoftan> "That hammer is mine! It belongs rightfully to the house of von Doom!"
<PhilCoulson> "Apparently not."
<Zoftan> Doom gleams with sorcerous might. "So be it. If you will not surrender the hammer, then Doom will grace you with a vision of his power!"

Now it's even. One of the most impressive villains in Marvel vs. the newly superpowered Agent Coulson. The power of Mjolnir is new to him - can Coulson figure out how it works in time to defend himself against Doom? Hopefully, because an attack comes almost immediately:

<Zoftan> One hand glows with orange energy as he charges up his repulsors, and a tremendous blast leaps from his palm! The downed SHIELD tech barely rolls aside as the blast sweeps across the facility towards you!
<PhilCoulson> uh oh
<Zoftan> Solo, Doom's Genius Knows No Equals, Energy Blast (split with Multipower SFX), Combat Expert
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 9>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> 16, d10 effect die!
<PhilCoulson> :x

That's some high rolling. This is the real Doom, not the hapless Doombot that was easily foiled earlier - this time, our new Thunder God is going to have to be right on top of his game.

Well, what better way to start than by walking straight into that blast, protected by the divine hammer?

* PhilCoulson is gonna blink-step straight into the fire.
<PhilCoulson> Solo, Deadpan, Unshakeable, Body Armor, Kree-Tech Armor, Godlike Durability, Supersonic Flight, Combat Master.
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d8]: 6>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d8]: 8>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d8]: 3>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d8]: 5>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d10]: 3>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d12
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d12]: 2>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d10]: 7>
<PhilCoulson> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for PhilCoulson [1d10]: 7>
<PhilCoulson> 21, d12

He had to spend a plot point, but that handily beats Doom's total.

<Zoftan> You step forward, holding Mjolnir like a shield, and the beam splits around you!
<Zoftan> It hits the head of the hammer and just breaks in half, lancing out in various directions as you stride towards Doom!
<PhilCoulson> Coulson's Mjolnr-inspired Kree-Tech armor also glows.
<Zoftan> By the time the repulsors run out you're still advancing to him, gleaming like some kind of celestial archon.
<Zoftan> YOUR TURN
* PhilCoulson looks from Doom to the hammer, then back at Doom.
<PhilCoulson> The hammer glows.
<PhilCoulson> With fire.
<PhilCoulson> "Catch."

He throws a very heavy 17 for the hammer strike - at d12 stress, that's a good chance of taking Doom out altogether if he gets an extraordinary success.

<Zoftan> You expected the hammer to be more unwieldy than this, but it's like you've been using it forever - no need to acclimate. Something inside it has just clicked with you. Maybe that's part of what being worthy is.
<Zoftan> Doom's no slouch, to be fair - he was not prepared at all for this, but he improvises nicely. He intones a few syllables of some strange guttural language, and a magical aegis forms in the air between the two of you.
<Zoftan> Solo, Failure Is For Lesser Beings, Master Sorcery, Cybernetic Senses, Mystic Master
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 8>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 7>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 2>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d6
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d6]: 4>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 2>

Doom's total narrowly falls short of what he needed, but he has a backup plan - spending a d6 from the doom pool activates an SFX that lets him ignore stress.

<Zoftan> It's no good! The hammer smashes through his magic shield!
<Zoftan> But plans within plans - Doom steps back and an ionic force field bursts from his armor in a sphere shape.
<PhilCoulson> D:
<Zoftan> The hammer connects with the force field, lingers for a second, then springs back to your hand.
<Zoftan> You can't see his face, obviously, but you have the impression he's smirking at you.
<Zoftan> "A paltry shot. You wield power beyond your understanding, like a child with a rifle."
<PhilCoulson> "Careful, now. Your face might stick that way."
<Zoftan> "Behold the mastery of a thousand magical arts, honed by the indomitable genius of Doom!"
<Zoftan> One hand waves, and a magic circle begins to form beneath your feet.
<Aphin> Uh oh
<Zoftan> Solo, Doom's Genius Knows No Equals, Master Sorcery, Mystic Master
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 10>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d8
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d8]: 6>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 5>
<Zoftan> #roll 1d10
-RPGServ:#TheHiddenRoom- <Roll for Zoftan [1d10]: 8>
<Zoftan> 15, d12 effect die (SFX: Practiced Ritualist)
<PhilCoulson> D:
<Zoftan> You can feel the pull of the magic on the ground beneath you. He's trying to pin you to the ground, basically, using the crushing force of magical gravity.

There's one way to keep the thunder god down - just crush him to the earth so he can't fly or wield the hammer. Doom attempts to create a devastating complication, and Coulson has to react fast.

* PhilCoulson feels the hammer trembling in his hands, and gets the feeling it does NOT like being pinned to the ground when it has a master to wield it.
* PhilCoulson thus tries aping Thor, twirling the hammer like an insane helicopter, and BASHES it into the magic circle.
<Zoftan> Nice.

With another PP, he passes the reaction roll. He's avoided taking damage or complications so far, but don't let the condition tracker fool you, Coulson is barely keeping up with Doom here. He' s had to spend a PP on every reaction so far to avoid getting rocked by devastating attacks. Without the hammer, he would surely have been defeated - with it, he stands a chance.

<Zoftan> The circle shatters beneath Mjolnir's strike, and you can move freely!
<PhilCoulson> The fact that the hammer bounces straight back into his hand gives Coulson an idea, and he flies into the air.
<PhilCoulson> He then proceeds to hurl the hammer into the ground around Doom, with the result effect being similar to Dwick dribbling across a basketball court.

I'll take a minute to let that devastating simile sink in, and skip to the result - although he takes to the air and nearly escapes, Doctor Doom underestimates the sheer force with which the hammer can be thrown.

<Zoftan> The explosion of earth not only destroys the remainder of the mini-installation set up around the impact site, it knocks Doom from the air and sends him skidding across the desert sand!
<Zoftan> Direct impact from Mjolnir has damaged his armor - you can see the chest plate is dented from the blow.
<Zoftan> Doom's epic arrogance - he really wants that hammer - is beginning to perhaps override some of his tactical superiority, and he glows with supercharged energy.
<Zoftan> "ENOUGH"
<Zoftan> "I will show you the folly of your arrogance!"
<Zoftan> An enormous energy blast begins to form between his palms...
<PhilCoulson> D:

What follows is titanic. Doom breaks out a bunch of SFX, plus a d12 from the doom pool, and fires a fucking dragon ball z shot at Coulson. Everything is stepped up so high that Coulson's got a very high target to beat, and if he misses it, he'll be instantly stressed out. The stakes have never been higher.

<Zoftan> The blast is prodigious - it's like an enormous spotlight of orange turned directly towards you.
<Zoftan> He's firing it from the ground next to the ruins, straight at your position in the air.
<Aphin> DESTROY HIM, SPIZ
<PhilCoulson> Time slows down.
<PhilCoulson> Coulson watches the blast of energy arcing toward him.
<PhilCoulson> He rolls his neck, tossing his luxurious, MOPTOP-LENGTH-HAIR...

(a benefit of the Mjolnir transformation is that it helps out with male-pattern baldness)

<PhilCoulson> ...and divebombs Doom.
<SteelUnifier> YESSSS
<Zoftan> STRAIGHT INTO THE BLAST
<Zoftan> ROLL THAT SHIT

He does, and channels a brand new SFX: Thor's very own 'I Say Thee Nay' (although, since it's Coulson, we're retitling it 'I Don't Think So').

<Zoftan> Raising the hammer, you hold on as it rockets through the massive repulsor blast! Energy burns around you - it's blazing hot but you're unharmed because you have the GOD OF THUNDER'S POWERS
<PhilCoulson> (And Kree-Tech Armor!)
<Zoftan> For a second you can't even see because of the blinding light, and then with a burst of power, you explode out the other end of the blast! Doom raises his fist, charging it with mystic power, and leaps to meet you in midair---

But did he make it? Was the power of the gods themselves, wielded by a man of duty and self-discipline, enough to stand up against the man so badass Hell itself couldn't hold onto him?



<Zoftan> "...did I somehow get your LMD?"
<PhilCoulson> "I'm sorry?"
<Zoftan> "Either this is the most elaborate, deadpan joke I've ever heard - and you're good at deadpan, so I'm not ruling that out - or you somehow picked up Thor's hammer and fought Doctor Doom like something out of a summer blockbuster."
<PhilCoulson> "Well, it did seem like a good idea at the time."
<PhilCoulson> "...Well, it seemed like an idea."
<Zoftan> "Uh huh."
<PhilCoulson> "At the time."
<PhilCoulson> "But not worse than bringing Doom back from the dead."
<PhilCoulson> "That was rather silly, you know."
<Zoftan> "All right, I'll indulge it. So, with Mjolnir in hand, you leapt through the flames, and then..."

It was really, really silly.

<Zoftan> The explosion in midair is visible from Tulsa.
<Zoftan> The two of you meet, striking simultaneously, and there's a burst of lightning and repulsor energy and magic and who the hell knows what else?!
<PhilCoulson> And the incarnation of Joseph Smith, Jr.
<Zoftan> But as the dust clears from the impact, you land triumphantly on your feet, the trumpets of Asgard ringing at your victory, while Doom plummets from the sky and crashes into a sand dune.
<Aphin> !!!!!!
<Zoftan> He rises a moment later, sand pouring from cracks in his armor, and glares at you in outraged bewilderment.
<Zoftan> "Im...impossible..."
<PhilCoulson> "So was you coming back from the dead."
<PhilCoulson> "And a quick note? Please just knock the next time you want to talk."
<Zoftan> There's a low growl.
<PhilCoulson> "I mean, it's just /rude/ to do what you di--oh, dear, I'm monologuing."
<Zoftan> "So you are. Perhaps the seed of greatness rests inside you after all, man of SHIELD. Never could you measure up to the genius of Doom, but you show a startling...competence."
<Zoftan> He steps back, and opens a rift in the ground.
<PhilCoulson> "I shall take that as a compliment."
<Zoftan> "This is not a hill on which Doom will perish. But we will meet again. Be assured of that."
* PhilCoulson simply remains silent at that comment.
<Zoftan> He drops into the portal, and is gone a moment later, and there you are, alone in the wastes of Oklahoma, with a divine relic you definitely didn't anticipate possessing when you woke up this morning.
* PhilCoulson looks at it as though he just realized what he's been holding.

He saved the day, but he has made a powerful enemy - the most powerful, in fact, out of anyone on the team at the moment. So until Moon Knight inevitably truncheons Galactus in the jaw, Coulson gets the title of Most Brass-Balled In Selection of Nemeses.

<Zoftan> "So." Hill stares at you over the desk. "All right, I'll bite, Coulson. You've never led me astray before, but...if you're not screwing with me here, then where's the hammer?"

At this point, he has a choice to make. If Coulson puts the hammer back where it belongs, he'll gain 10 XP for accomplishing his SHIELD mission and protecting Mjolnir from Doom, and continue on as a nonpowered SHIELD agent. If, instead, he chooses to spend 10 XP, he can make the hammer a permanent powerset for his character, and essentially become a full-time God of Thunder...with all the responsibilities and complications it entails.\

It's a difficult decision, but after careful deliberation...

* PhilCoulson points at the suitcase that's been sitting in this office the whole time.
<PhilCoulson> "It's, ah...well..."
<PhilCoulson> "Here, let me show you."
<Zoftan> ". . . . . ."
* PhilCoulson picks it up and takes it to the desk.
<PhilCoulson> Despite him gently putting it down, it makes a deafening BANG as it touches.
<PhilCoulson> "...Sorry about that."
<PhilCoulson> *click*
<PhilCoulson> *click*
<Zoftan> There is a very long moment of silence, and then the desk collapses.
<PhilCoulson> "...and that."
<Zoftan> Since you'd unlatched the briefcase, though, it pops open, and there is ANOTHER long silence as Maria Hill stares at the weapon.
<PhilCoulson> "I've been trying to come up with a good backronym for it."
<Zoftan> "...Uh. Well."
<Zoftan> Another pause.
<PhilCoulson> "So it fits into the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division better."
<Zoftan> "...Agent Coulson, when we promoted you to the head of metahuman relations, you realize we weren't ordering you to become a metahuman, right?"
<PhilCoulson> "...Well...Yes."
<PhilCoulson> "I believe Stark has a saying that applies fairly well here, though."
<Zoftan> "Uh huh?"
<PhilCoulson> "It may involve lemons."
<Zoftan> "Ah. Yeah."
<PhilCoulson> "And margaritas."

Mostly margaritas.

<Zoftan> The two of you stare at the hammer - YOUR hammer - for a long while.
<Zoftan> "...I think we have some forms to fill out. Both of us, I mean."
<PhilCoulson> "...Right. I'll, uh, get to work on that."

Things have not turned out the way they were expected. In canon, the Fantastic Four lost this fight, and it was only when Doom tried and failed to lift the hammer that he left in shame. Here, who knows? Perhaps he could have, but he was beaten to it by an unexpected factor - the valiant Agent Coulson, who evened the odds in a desperate moment and took on the mantle of the Thunder God.

How will this affect the brewing debate about superhuman registration? What will Coulson's fellow Avengers have to say? Will it change the way he relates to SHIELD?

Time will tell, and I, the Watcher, will continue to observe these permutations in the timeline.

Next Issue: Stamford

I should note that it really did take a good fifteen minutes' consideration before becoming the Majestic Coulson. Had it not been for Aphin screaming KEEP IT KEEP IT KEEP IT THIS IS ESCAPISM AT ITS BEST and threatening to have Stark try his luck at it, I probably would have turned it over to SHIELD.

I mean, it's fucking Coulson.

Let me just say that I have missed a straight month of lectures, and so was fully determined to make it into campus today, only to discover this at the very last minute and read it through to the end. Priorities.

Simply seminal.

... I could take 'im.

I have no words. Except BRILLIANCE.