SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) - S1E2: "THE SPHINX APPROACHETH!"

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES

I may have missed an important part about that, but it's really hard to tell apart what's wh-

Wait, you mean that was a salarian? I thought it was a badly-drawn drell.

Man. Every time I watch this show, I keep thinking "they'll never make anything dumber than this."

Then the next episode comes out, and I'm proven wrong.

Is it? That's somehow even worse.

That was actually a pleasant surprise in the opening shot, that they showed the ship inverted relative to the crew decks. You so rarely see shows visualise the absence of a true 'up' in space by this sort of creative framing, it-

...I'm being told they almost certainly didn't do it on purpose. Oh well.

[The cartoon reopens to a shot of the Sphinx’s terrible face looming over Jack Smith and the rest of the Space Protector(z) - who might as well not exist in this episode, apparently. There are going to be some hungry voice actors this week.]

SPHINX: “THE ANSWER. WHERE AM I, BRIEF MORTAL? WHERE AM I!?”

[JACK SMITH] “Well, that’s.... a tricky one. Hrrrrrrrm.”

[Jack looks over to see Sari applying her makeup to her face...in the desert...for no reason whatsoever. There’s a close-up on his face - it’s scrunched up in concentration, and then it releases with realization.]

[JACK SMITH] “Of course! A mirror!”

Zip and [SCHRECK] “A mirror?!”

[JACK SMITH] “Yes! A mirror! A mirror shows your reflection - it shows you exactly what you show it - it has no skin, but its face is slick, as it’s polished down, it’s something that can’t be fooled - and if you break it, you just make a bunch of little mirrors! It’s a mirror!”

[ZIP] “Well gosh, Jack, that was quick - but the question was “where am I, not what--!”

[SPHINX] “CURSE YOOOOOOU, CURSE YOU, YOU IDIOT SCOURGE! YOU HAVE LESSENED MY POWER BY ONE NOTCH! COURTESY DICTATES I GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE BEFORE I SNUFF YOUR USELESS LIFE FORCE OUT LIKE THE BRIEFEST OF CANDLES!”

[Jack Smith stands tall - which means that he stands motionless, save for his mouth-flap animation.]

[JACK SMITH] “Just try it, kittens!”

[There’s a mighty roar, and the group is whisked away by a massive sandstorm. Zip is babbling uselessly while Shreck is - surprisingly - trying to shoot at the sandstorm.

Because he’s an idiot.]

[SCHRECK] “THIS ISN’T WORKING!”

[JACK SMITH] “Calm yourself, friend! We must think our way out of this!”

[All to no avail. As Schreck continues firing, the sandstorm abates by itself, leaving the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) in front of a five-sided pyramid. Oddly enough, it has the same paint style as the asteroid flying above them, though nobody has a chance to reflect on this as crystal spires shoot out of the sands in two-frame animation.

Sari, well, translates forward (having no “bending leg” animations), looking around.]

[SARI] “What is this place?”

[SPHINX] “THE CHISELED TOMB, YOU CHILDISH BLUE-SKINNED FOUL REPROBATE OF THE AZURE FIELDS, AND THE HOME OF THE EIGHTEEN-SHOULDERED GOLIATH OF AMONKIRA, THE LIKES OF WHICH--”

[Another dialogue splice.]

[SPHINX] “--POWER! NOW! DARE YOU ATTEMPT MY SECOND RIDDLE?”

[Jack Smith resumes his godlike, heroic stance (which is made less heroic when you realize he has no face).]

[JACK SMITH] “Riddle me up, Sphinx! Your threats are nothing!”

[SPHINX] “WE SHALL SEE!”

SEE ME FLYING HIGH,
BLUE AGAINST THE SKY,
TIME IS WHAT I BUY,

OTHERS MAY ME VIE,
WARS END AT MY CRY,
BARE ME AND YOU DIE.

YOU’VE TWO MINUTES, WHAT AM I?

[There is maybe two seconds’ pause before Shreck lifts a finger in realization!]

[SCHRECK] “It’s the Citade--”

[JACK SMITH] [Smug] “A turian heart.”

[SCHRECK] “Wha--but Jack--!”

[The camera view changes angle just enough to show Schreck doing a double take at Jack. Even though there’s a good 60-degree turn, the landscape doesn’t change at all.]

[JACK SMITH] “Peace, friend! The turian heart flies on a ship, is blue, and when a turian fights, his heart wins the battle, no matter how unmatched and stupid he is.”

[SCHRECK] “But-but Jack! It fits for the Citadel, too! It flies, it’s blue, and it’s the best stronghold in the galaxy! Without it, you’re finished!”

[Cue a two-second zoom into Jack Smith’s face - at the end of which, he opens his eyes wide and gasps.]

[JACK SMITH] “...You’re right! By the Sacred Z’s, he’s talking about the Tomb of the Unknown Turian, at the heart of the Citadel!”

[Dramatic sting. The Sphinx shrieks.]

[SPHINX] ”NO! IMPOSSIBLE! YOU DESPCIABLE MALCONTENTED HEATENS OF THE BLUE SQUID HAVE IMPACTED ANOTHER OF MY PERFECT RIDDLES!”

[Cue a poorly-recorded sound clip of a housecat hissing, which the Sphinx shouts through it as though it never happened.]

[SPHINX] ”BY THE TEN VEINS OF THE BLEEDING DEATH, I SHALL NOT ABIDE BY THIS DISRESPECT ANY LONGER! NOW YOU SHALL FACE THE FINAL OF MY RIDDLES, FIENDISH WORMS. HEAR IT, AND PERISH!”

[The earth shakes with a MIGHTY FORCE (and a batarian hand jostling the page), and the massive pyramid opens before them, one brick falling after the other to make a giant triangular hole. Ominous chanting fills the air as several black-robed individuals - well, black robes, anyways - fly into the sky, waving their hands about dreadfully. It’s all very mystical and terrifying. It’s also a little ridiculous, especially considering the cat’s eyes glaring at them from within the hole.

Naturally, Jack Smith is UNDETERRED.]

[JACK SMITH] “Do your worst!”

[ZIP] ”Y-yeah! Do your w-w-worst!”

[Unceremonious cut to credits.]

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES

[Fade in to a black-and-white holo of an asari grimacing as she stumbles around in a blanket. Similarly brain-dead idiots stumble around, looking like they’re trying to go to work in a potato sack.]

[VO] “Are blankets too hard for you? Are sleeping bags too restricting? Then you need a PowerPoncho!”

[Magical chimes! Vibrant color! A smiling asari in a JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING]

[IDIOT ASARI] “The PowerPoncho! The blanket for the girl on the go!”

[And now pictures of people demonstrating how to wear a thneed.]

[VO] “The PowerPoncho is easy to wear! Just put it around your neck, your arms, your legs, and you’re done!”

[And now, a salarian with meningitis smiling vacantly as he shows off his PowerPoncho. Dear god, he looks like someone strangled him with his own soul.]

[EMOTIONALLY DEAD SALARIAN] “I can’t believe how easy it is!”

[VO] “It’s so easy you can wear it anywhere! Wear it at home!”

[A man lays sprawled out on a bed wearing a PowerPoncho. He looks SO HAPPY.]

[VO] ”Wear it to work!”

[A turian sits in one of these monstrosities at a cubicle. His boss drifts in, wearing one of his own, grinning vacanly and giving a thumbs-up.]

[VO] “Even wear it with your best friend!”

[Cutaway to Dwick lying on a reinforced concrete couch, just draped in the things, a huge varren sitting on top of his gut. He grins and makes the universal “jerking off” motion.

Terrorbyte is in the back, fully wrapped in one; all the audience sees are his eyelights peeking from the folds.]

[VO] “And what’s best of all, one size fits all!"

[Both heads snap towards the camera. With a single-frame change, all of Dwick’s PowerPonchos are replaced by a single one that...well, “skintight” isn’t even close to describing the strain.

It's a terrifying sight.]

[VO] “...so whether you’re a volus or a krogan, you all can be comfy on the go!”

[Dwick exhales. The fabric pops. A split second (and a frame change) later, we see a different krogan in a slightly-better-fitting one.]

[VO] “And with the PowerPoncho’s patented PowerPleasure Plush, you’ll be even more warm than when you were trying to tote that blanket around!”

[The same krogan, trying to get a ratty sheet untangled from his crest. It’s fairly pathetic.]

[VO] “If that’s not enough, the PowerPoncho comes in three amazing colors - Red, Blue and Taupe - and if you order within the next fifteen minutes, we’ll even throw in the Hawti Hugbox, all for just 62 credits!”

[Cue a quarian sobbing into a plush pillow shaped like, well, a long, featureless box.]

[VO] “Feeling lonely? Mean people pointing out how you’re not perfect in every way? Cry into the Hawti Hugbox and let its soothing voice shower you with undeserved compliments!”

[HUGBOX] [Squeaky voice] “It’s okay! They just don’t appreciate your style!”

[The quarian turns and (presumably) smiles sweetly at the camera.]

[DISCLAIMER VO] ”Warning: Protracted use of the Hawti Hugbox may include swollen ego, social malaise, anal leakage, self-diagnosing mental disorders, and in rare cases, death by toxic shock or public execution.”

[VO] “That’s right, the PowerPoncho and the Hawti Hugbox, all yours for just sixty-two credits - but only if you order NOW! Here’s how to order.”

You laugh, but the Hugbox got me through my last year of postgrad. Erana U is cutthroat as fuck.

EDIT: the Hugbox and a chemical dependency on prescription stims. Mostly the Hugbox, after they found out about the stims.

[We come back to the same last five seconds from the previous segment.]

[JACK SMITH] ”Do your worst!”

SPHINX: ”YOU HAVE ASKED, AND I SHALL COMPLY. WRIGGLE AND BE CRUSHED, SPINELESS CREATURES FROM A USELESS SHORE!

[The next riddle's delivered at "patter song" speed - but oddly enough, only for humans.]

INVISIBLE, INTANGIBLE
INAUDIBLE, UNSMELLABLE
GALACTIC AND UNKILLABLE,
YOUR HEART CONTAINS A SPACE I FILL.
EVERPRESENT HEREINAFTER
I REMOVE ALL TRACE OF PLEASURE.
LIVE OR DIE BY MEANS OF ANSWER:
WHAT AM I, OH SPACE PROTECTOR?

[Nonhumans (and ONLY nonhumans) get this instead:]

CANNOT BE SEEN, CANNOT BE FELT
CANNOT BE HEARD, CANNOT BE SMELT.
LIES BEHIND STARS AND UNDER HILLS,
AND EMPTY HOLES IT FILLS.
ENDS FIRST, FOLLOWS AFTER,
ENDS LIFE, KILLS LAUGHTER.

WHAT AM I?

[Weird.

There is an uneasy silence from the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z). They look at each other with absolute confusion as the wind howls and the chanting increases.]

[SCHRECK] “He’s bluffing. There is no answer. We should take him out now!”

[SARI] “Captain, my asari powers tell me he is not bluffing!

[JACK SMITH] “He’s NOT bluffing. Anybody could tell that. Come on, gang - anybody have an answer?”

[SHRECK] “Alright, uh... it’s a bad joke!”

[SARI] “A thresher maw!”

[ZIP] “I got it! DARKNESS! GOTTA BE DARKNESS!”

[There’s a moment of silence. Jack Smith waves aside his companions, and then steps into the sandy maelstrom, confidence beaming from his face.]

[JACK SMITH] “The answer... IS REAPER LORD DREADZALON!”

[There is a MASSIVE shaking from the ground beneath them. The Sphinx’s eyes begin to pulsate, spamming red beams into the poorly painted sky like a 4-tone fireworks display. There’s a strangled cry, followed by some accidental sound clips left in from the Sphinx's voice-acting session:]

[SPHINX]: I SHALL NOT SUFFER ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS BANAL IDIOCY, TREACHEROUS PUSBALLS! WHEN I AM FINISHED WITH YOU, ONLY THEN WILL I SHALL SPEAK TO YOUR SUPER-”

[ZIP] “ZOIPS! I THINK WE MADE HIM MA--AAAAAUGHH--”

[Following this is a a split second of what sounds like an asari on helium getting her knee shattered before being hastily cut short. The animation, meanwhile, shows the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) running like hell away from the pyramid to the ship - which has miraculously appeared nearby, of course, just as everything starts crumbling or falling apart.]

[JACK SMITH] “Come on, SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), we can make it!”

[SCHRECK] “Run! Run!”

[The Space Protectorz clamber into the ship with seconds to spare - just as the gangplank closes, the planet beneath them begins to crumble like peanut brittle. In the distance, the Sphinx begins to glow a ruby red.]

[JACK SMITH] “ZIP! GET US OUT OF HERE!”

[ZIP] “I’M WORKING ON IT!”

[JACK SMITH] “WORK FASTER!”

[ZIP] “ALMOST GOT IT... THERE! WE’RE FREE OF THE ATMOSPHERE!”

[Shot of the plant from orbit. The SPACE SHEPARD pulls away from the planet as fast as it can go. Seconds later, you hear the Sphinx’s last scream as the planet slowly implodes over three frames of animation into a flaming sphere of pulsating red energy.]

[SPHINX] “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO---”

[Back inside the SPACE SHEPARD, the crew gives a happy sigh of relief! There’s laughter, high-fiving, and chaste space-hugs. Jack claps a firm hand on Zip’s shoulder and gives him a very paternal smile.]

[JACK SMITH] “Good job, Zip. I always knew I could count on you!”

[ZIP] “Gleep! Thanks, boss!”

[If there was something odd about Zip’s voice during the escape sequence, it's certainly weirder now. It still has that dear-god-just-kill-me-with-a-cheese-grater quality to it, but there’s also a hard, earthy quality to it. It's as though he’s trying to chew the dialogue...or if someone replaced the VA with a batarian soprano.

In any case, Jack Smith turns to the rest of the Protector(z), whom all stare at the viewscreen as a big red dot flickers on the screen (presumably where Thor 27 exploded or something). He speaks, and with a single frame of animation, their focus shifts from it to him.]

[JACK SMITH] ”You know, fellas, I think we learned something very important today!”

[SCHRECK] ”And what’s that boss?”

[JACK SMITH] ”That there is no danger so great that you can’t think of a good way out!”

[SCHRECK] ”Yeah!”

[SARI] ”Yes!”

[ZIP] ”Uh-huh!”

[Cue a “Group Laughter” pane. Fade out.]



































[Fade in.]



[Cut to credits.]

...I love this show.

Oh thank you so much Reave.

NO.

HE IS DEAD.

DEAD.

DEAD.

DEAAAAAD.

Ugh, and I thought this show was insufferable before. Schreck, Jack, and Sari are all passible I guess, but Zip just hurts to listen to. You know what's worse than hearing it? Listening to kids too young to know better trying to sound just like it. Or the sensogoggles. The sensogoggles. We're on the Citadel, in Sol. I'm sure those things are made in the Abyss so how did they get here so fast? Taping a pair of radar dishes and a toy spaceship to a helmet designed for the disabled is not a [blocked] toy. It is a rip-off but I'm sure Dwick knows that. Good on him for helping out Khar'Shan's economy but [blocked] these guys don't know what they're doing. I used to make doodles back in pre-boot on Omnimator Free that were better quality than that. And the kids keep watching it. Especially the senior kids. I've got a message for you. You're not cool for watching something terrible even when you know it's terrible. You are wasting the precious minutes the universe has given you and probably destroying your brain. Ugh. Stop it stop it stop it.

About the only good thing about this show is that it made me do a search, and they're in the process of creating the new run of Dr. Mexta. I know it doesn't have the best history either, but at least even the episodes that looked like they were pulled out of a moxie's ass had character.

Way to poison the children of today, Dwick.

...If it bothers you so much, why are you watching it?

I'm guessing it's less him than the ONE HUNDRED AND TWO CHILDREN he's responsible for.

You have my deepest sympathies, Harrad. Dealing with one fan is enough.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

They're not all fans, because even most children can see through really, really, really awful cartoons.

I just wonder about the ones that can't.

See Vindi? See what I have to watch if you won't let me watch the combat channels??

No! You do not have to watch this! I am coming over with a copy of the Lizard 4 Justice reboot!

(...Hadas might be a little sick of me going on about it.)