SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) - S1E1: "SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), ASSEMBLE!"

[Fade in. Our camera spends three seconds zooming in on the smoking SPACE SHEPARD (yes, smoking in space) - after which the view jumps to Jack Smith.]

Jack Smith: “Friends, we are in trouble with a capital T. I think the Space Shepard is cashed. Sari, set up the emergency beacon. The rest of us need to get out and search things on foot.”

Schreck: “Why on foot?”

Jack Smith: “Because we have to. We don’t know what’s here.”

The animation department doesn’t bother showing Sari's reaction; the next shot is of the remaining SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) appearing in Engineering.[/i]]

Jack Smith: “Everyone suit up.”

Zip: “Suit up? Whyyyyy?”

Schreck: “Because, dummy! Everyone knows you can’t breathe in space!”

[Musical sting. Fade out, fade back in to Blade and Bulk, who are both in the cargo hold of their ship, addressing the ‘troops.’]

Blade: “MINIONS OF DARKNESS! ON THE PLANET BELOW YOU LURK THOSE WRETCHED DO-GOODERS, THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)! ON THE ORDER OF THE GREAT LORD DREADZALON, I, BLADE THE MIGHTY, COMMAND YOU TO GO FORTH AND DESTROY THEM!”

[Aimless cheering, uniform, choppy movement.]

Blade: “WIPE THEM OUT, ALL OF THEM, AND BRING THE REMAINS TO ME! BWA HA HA HA HA!”

[He raises an imperious claw, and the husks all run for their space-bikes - yes, space motorcycles - and begin flying out of the open, obviously-depressurized cargo hold. Cue Blade's villainous laughter.

Bulk, meanwhile, bounds toward what can only be described as a space hog.]

BLADE: “BRRRRRROTHER! What are you doing?!”

BULK: “BULK BATTLE, BULK DESTROY SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) HIMSELF!”

Blade: “No, you bumbling imbecile, come back--”

[Whatever he says after that’s lost in the engine noise as the SPACE HOG TITANWRECKER roars to life, chugging inky black smoke.]

Blade: “NOOOOOOO! THAT IDIOTIC INGRATE WILL RUIN EVERYTHING! TO UNAPOTHEOSIZER!”

[Yet ANOTHER space-bike appears - this one quite obviously better than all the others because of the spindly design. Blade jumps on it and rides it out of the cargo hold at high speeds. Blade and Bulk, being the idiots they are, immediately start ramming into each other. They IMMEDIATELY crash, and their space-bikes start hurtling towards a small moon at terminal velocity.]

Blade: “This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into!”

Bulk: “MY FAULT? THIS YOUR FAULT--”

Blade: "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

Blade and Bulk (Together): "WE'VE LOST BEFORE WE BEGUUUUUUUUUUU-"

[They disappear in a puff of debris.]
__________

[The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) land on “Planet Omnicron,” (judging by hastily inserted text) - and get out of their horribly-designed ship. Zip starts waving his omnitool around, apparently taking “readings.”]

Zip: “WOWEE ZOWIE, Jack! Those guys really did a number on our ship!”

Jack Smith: “Easy there, soldier. We can get her fixed up later. For right now, we need to be looking for those colonists! Weapons free, everyone!”

[Cue Scheck pulling out his guns yet again, twirling them like some carny at a show.]

Schreck: “You got it, man. Just show me where to point and shoot.”

Sari: “How about...at them?!”

[With enough ham to choke a python, she points at the horizon. Several hundred badly animated husks are rushing towards our team!...Though of course, by ‘rushing’ we mean ‘repeating the same three frames of animation over and over again to give the illusion of movement while they are, in fact, standing stock-still’.]

Schreck: “You got it!”

[Scheck stops spinning his guns, diving forward in an unnecessary combat roll and going 'guns akimbo' on the crowd.]

SFX: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM

[Cut to pictures of husks falling off their SPACE CYCLES in droves, though none of them ever seem to get shot.]

Husk1: “THEY’RE TOO POWERFUL FOR US”

Husk2: “RETREAT! RETREEEEEEEAT!!!”

[The husks retreat without having even fired a shot. It is clear they are USELESS against the power of the Space Protector(z)! Shreck stands tall and blows the ends of his pistols.]

Schreck: “That’s SUPERIOR TURIAN AIM for you, guys!”

Jack Smith: “Good work, Schreck! Alright, fall out, men! Let’s go and see if we can find those colonists! Sari, do your asari mindpower techniques tell you anything?”

[Sari nods, then floats into the air, arms extended, her tentacles floating off of her scalp.]

Sari: “I see...I see a station, not too far from here. There’s something else, though--”

[Musical sting, followed by a blurry, transparent picture of a space station on fire. Behind the overlay, Sari makes a ‘psychic concentration’ face, eyes flashing blue, then black, then blue again.

Cut back to the Protector(z).]

Sari: “It’s on fire! Jack, Jack, we must hurry!”

Jack Smith: “Right! Hurry up gang, we’ve got to get to that space station!”

[With that, Jack Smith RUNS towards the horizon, Space Protector(Z) in pursuit! Fade out.]

Well, not even the first episode, and already, Zip is my least favorite character.

Also, I demand more Bulk and Blade.

Remember, sonideros, the Space Protector(z) was the most premium of sponsors at this year's inaugurating Sand 4 Saviors charity, in accompaniment with Funs Not Guns and Illuminati (they are new and make shoes for war orphans).

In other words if you do not support the glorious holoshow of my sonideros at the Dwickcaster then you are most urinaceous and find no fulfillment in generosity.

hi eightball please come by my bar i will give you good drink for appearance


anyways

every time i see more of this i am so fucking glad entertainment holovision is back

fuck

i can only look at so many funny pictures on the extranet before i get bored


more pls

SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES

___________

VO: "The Reapers. The Collectors. The stock market crash. Only one individual saw it all happen."

[Shots of the Reapers and Collectors creeping towards the camera, followed by a fade to black.]

VO: "Only one individual had the starry wisdom to see it occur."

[CG animation of the following predictions:]

Tal Horno: "*hsssssssssk* I see a black demon rising from beyond the stars. I see the house of four towers crumble and fall. I see... *hsssssk* tragedy."

[A pair of glowing, solid yellow eyes. Camera zooms in past them.]

VO: "He saw what had come - and what was to come. And now, YOU can join in on his amazing wisdom."

[Music from this year’s Silver Satellite Award-winning movie plays over a holo of a book titled “THE PROPHECIES OF TAL HORNO.” Cheap nebulae explode in the background while Tal’s faceplate rises in the foreground.]

VO: "Order now and receive a digital copy of all of Tal Horno’s prophecies, spoken delicately in his own solid, sepulchurous voice."

Tal Horno: “The blinking eye burns, burns, burns the silver *hssssssk* planet. Red everywhere. The ancient warriors are *hsssssk* loosed upon the world for the balm of their soul.”

[Fade shots to Tal Horno speaking at different angles, sometimes gesticulating wildly, other times statuesque. In each, his exosuit has been adorned with chrome and platinum plates.]

Tal Horno: “I see three colors: red, blue, *hsssssk* and green. I see them refract, like great beams. A warrior chooses his destiny. Could that *hsssssssk* warrior... be you?”

Tal Horno: “Seven cities, seven kings, all in the hands of one *hsssssssk* clawed hand. A crown of gold. A face of blue. The red dragon rises as the clockwork fool, the confused knight, and the *hsssssssk* jester of sand dance around the graves of the newborn.”

VO: "Read now what the kings and queens of a hundred systems know - The Prophecies of Tal Horno."

Tal Horno: “I know you’ll purchase my book. I’ve seen it. It is... your *hssssk* destiny.”

Further reading required on:

Prophecies of Tal Horno.

This one respectfully enquires whether these texts are available anywhere on the extranet for free, for scholarly purposes?

The rest of this material seems amusing, but this one must channel its attention toward study and self-improvement, not entertainment. Still, this one is grateful that the messages accompanying a show for the young should recognise the importance of cross-species theology!

[The Protector(z) arrive at the space station. It looks exactly like Sari described it - in fact, it’s almost as though they used the same shot for both scenes.]

Jack Smith: “There it is.”

Zip: “Zoip! What a sight! I sure hope they’ve got a cafeteria in there!”

Jack Smith: “This is no time for jokes, friend! We must find a way to stop the fire - or everyone will die!”

Zip: “Hold on! I’ve got it!”

[Zip starts playing with his omnitool, and soon, a hundred small drones appear, all of them carrying buckets.]

Scheck: “Buckets? Why buckets, Zip?”

Zip: “To douse the flames, silly!”

[The drones immediately fly towards the burning space station and, as one, turn their poorly animated buckets over it. Despite every rule of physics known to man, the fire IMMEDIATELY goes out.

The scene changes immediately. All of a sudden, an old man is standing outside and talking to the Space Protector(z) as the space station smolders in the distance. It’s got a very Hanna Barbera feel to it; problem solved, here is an old man to give exposition.]

OLD MAN: “Thank the Maker, Space Protector(z)! I thought we were lost there!”

[Sheck bounds forward to accept the thanks; Jack Smith, however, cuts him off.]

Jack Smith: “Oh, there’s no need to thank us. We’re just doing our jobs.”

Zip: “Yeah! What he said!”

[He giggles into his omnitool with all the tact of an exploding cheese grater.]

OLD MAN: “Well, if you say so. I’m glad you showed up when you did, though! Otherwise, our stockpile of Element X would have gone up in flames!”

Jack Smith: “ELEMENT X, YOU SAY?”

OLD MAN: “Yes, Element X! The most volatile substance in the universe! Why, one gram of Element X is equal to a hundred tons of Element Zero!”

[Sheck’s jaw drops in the background; Sari continues to stand motionless.]

Zip: “WOWIE ZOWIE!”

Schreck: “No wonder Dreadzalon is here!”

OLD MAN: “Dreadzalon? You say Dreadzalon was behind this?”

VOICE: “YES!”

[Everyone looks stage left to see an overly-animated set of eyes glaring at them from the sky.]

Dreadzalon: “THAT STATION WOULD HAVE POWERED MY REAPER DEATH CANNONS FOR A HUNDRED CENTURIES!”

[The eyes flash red.]

Dreadzalon: “YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS, JACK SMITH! YOU AND YOUR SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED REAPER LORD DREADZALOOOOOOOON!

[And just like that, the eyes are gone.

There’s a pause. Then:]

OLD MAN: “Oh, dear.”

[Somehow this really doesn’t encapsulate the situation. Jack Smith is unflappable.]

Jack Smith: “Not to worry team! We’ve proven once again that the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) can defeat any challenge they face, no matter how big OR how dangerous! Dreadzalon will just have to wait to get his Element X the old fashioned way!”

[For some reason, this strikes everybody as hilarious, and they start laughing. A happy musical swell plays, and the camera zooms out as the screen fades to black.

Roll Credits.]

Whoever they got to play Dreadzalon must be having a lot of fun with his role.

Well. That ended... abruptly.

I think I'm quite ready to send a threatening legal letter to the DDS. Does anyone have their contact info?

No words.

Should have sent a poet.