THE SHORT HOUR S1E2: KLASSIKAL KLIXENS KLUB

I say shown their work at least in regards to letting minor characters like Sir Balan and Rience, who are lucky to receive even a mention in contemporary adaptations, some time to shine.

Honestly, ask anyone about King Arthur and tell them if they know who those two men are.

PAINTING WITH CURR!

[The scene opens with some easy listening music while the opening title fades onto a dark room with in the center of it an empty canvas resting on an easel.

Curr enters the scene wearing an oversized black beret!]

[Curr] "HELLO, THIS IS PAINT WITH CURR! ME HAPPY IS IN YOUR HOME THANKS TO MAGIC HOLOVISION... YOU HAPPY WITH CURR IN HOUSE!"

[The vorcha reaches off screen and pulls out a large painter's pallet, about twice as large as his head. On it a rainbow of colors in oil paints are on display.]

[Curr] "NOW BEGIN WITH BASECOAT! WE TAKE RED AND WHITE, MIX THEM TAKE BRUSH AND PUT IT ON CANVAS!"

[As he talks he takes generous portions of red and a little bit of white, making a lighter a tone of red and he slashes it on the canvas, paint flies everywhere.]

[Curr] "CAN TELL WHAT IS YET? HOW ABOUT NOW?"

[He adds some black to his red paint and brushes it hard on the canvas. Then using some scraper he scrapes it along a hard edge making an horizon. He works in quick succession adding blacks, oranges and whites directly on the canvas making some kind of clouds.]

[Curr] "NOW TAKE BIG BRUSH AND MAKE FLUFFY! FLUFFY HAPPY CLOUDS!"

"He demonstrates the fluffing, and nods satisfied."

[Curr] "THIS HESHTOK NATIONAL PARK... MAKE STRONG DUE TO HIGH RADIOACTIVE GROUND!"



[Curr] "UNTIL NEXT TIME. THIS IS CURR! AND YOU WATCHED PAINT WITH CURR!"

Okay, I don't care what you think of the rest of DDS, but you just can't go wrong with Curr.

I don't know what is more shocking.

That there is a vorcha is teaching people how to paint.

Or that the vorcha is actually doing a fairly good job at painting.

[There’s a burst of static; suddenly, a logo appears, consisting of a pair of wings surrounding a star. A serene-looking man wearing a black robe and holding a large piece of crystal suddenly fades into view, smiling at the camera with a munificent gaze.]

HUMAN: “SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY.”

[Suddenly, Shepard’s face fills the screen, surrounded by a number of... well, the only way to describe it would be ‘new age angels.’ Behind her, a rainbow explodes; a krogan, a turian, a salarian, a volus, and an asari rush on screen, then bow down before her. Suddenly, a third eye opens up in Shepard’s forehead. A blinding light pours from the third eye, and the camera goes white. We’re looking at the serene man again, smiling at the audience while a pair of glassy-eyed women caress his forearms and massage his back.]

SERENE MAN: “SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY.”

[The camera switches to show a number of individuals in black robes praying before - you guessed it - a giant painting of Shepard. Again, the painting has a third eye, but now various hololight squares float around her head. A few quotations from her life hover in the air, along with a picture of her personally using her enlightened third eye to laserbeam a Reaper in the ‘face.’ The prayers are low and monotonous, more of a dull roar than anything easily made out. In a sudden example of very, very low-quality video editing, the serene human’s face floats into the screen, smiling like an idiot on drugs.]

SERENE MAN: “SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY. SHEPARDOLOGY.”

[And suddenly, we’re looking into the serene man’s eyes.]

SERENE MAN: “ARE YOU READY TO KNOW THE TRUTH?”

[The camera goes black.]

Forgive me for the language, but... what in the flying magical fuck did we just watch?

Shepard worshipers, looks like. Hard to blame 'em, even if it does look crazy like this.

I figure, hey, at least it's not more Reaper cultists.

How about the fact that he's better than the art major I dorm with? I send her every clip just to annoy her.

"Shepardology," huh? Needs a new name. Sounds more like the study of Shepard than anything else.

Which would be FUN, mind you, I've always wanted to learn how to drive a Hammerhead.

[A quick establishing shot reveals that Pirouette and Reave are still on Tuchanka. Right now, it looks like the camera drone’s filming from the middle of a krogan war camp - tomkah engines roar in the background, while beastmasters strain to keep hold of barely-leashed snarling varren. In the center of the camp, next to a roaring fire, Pirouette sits cross-legged by an armored krogan, shuffling a deck of cards. Ominously, Reave is nowhere to be seen.]

[Pirouette] ”Bitcheeeeeees. Reave’s off prepping for the next trick and we’re kinda left without a planned segment. Uh, we had one ready, but whilst filming things got hell of wild and not in the good way--”

[Smash cut to an unedited stream of drone footage. The camera POV shakes wildly as Reave and Pirouette frantically run through a field; overhead, a klixen harvester bellows and begins to swoop at them.]

[Pirouette] ”OH THIS IS JUST COD IN THE MINUTE--”

[Reave] ”A battle worthy of song in the hallowed halls! When the high ground is reached, I will turn and lash this wretched beast with the Sevenfold Penance of Amonkira!”

[Smash cut back to the campfire.]

[Pirouette] ”--so yeah, the whole situation jerked my chain tight as hell and we refuse to show it. In the interest of content, though, I figured I’d piss a little knowledge in your mouths, so this is the first official I Lied, Holmes: Straight Tomfoolery With Pirouette segment.”

[She motions to the krogan, who waves. The hand that isn’t motioning continues to shuffle the deck, in a remarkably dexterous display.]

[Pirouette] ”Joining me for this round is my temporary assistant, Darve from Clan Korwun. Say hi, Darve.”

[Darve] “Hi!”

[Pirouette] ”Darve’s gonna be my surrogate in-vitro audience. He knows less about hustling than a batarian with a grand-lirium seizure so basically if he can do the trick I’m gonna teach him, then so can you. Arright, here we go - the stripper deck.”

[Darve] “Does that have to do with the drell you came here with?”

[Pirouette] ”Try to focus here, Darve. The stripper deck is a time-honored tradition, paleolithic stuff, hundreds of years old, and lots of people know it by now, so don’t try this shit on professionals or else they’ll straight belt you in the mouth and leave you sprawled on the sidewalk, teeth all askew, hat looking woebegone in the street, decorative feathers all strewn every which way like blood in a giallo movie.”

[A pause.]

[Pirouette] ”...anyway, the process is simple. We have here an unaltered deck of cards. You’re gonna need a dynamic fabricator app for your omnitool - I use TricksBag v2 - or else a belt sander or something, because that’s the effect we’re trying to mimic. Darve, brandish the deck.”

[The krogan tentatively holds the cards from the bottom as Pirouette fabs a length of metal from her omnitool.]

[Pirouette] ”What we’re looking to do is make one end of the deck narrower than the other - not so narrow that anyone can tell by looking at it, but just enough that you can differentiate an upside-down card in between the rightside-up ones. So that means these top corners get filed down a little...”

[As Darve watches with interest, Pirouette brushes the impromptu sander over the top corners of the deck in quick, measured sweeps.]

[Darve] “Do it quickly, right? That thing’s hot.”

[Pirouette] ”Yeah, don’t linger, or your deck goes up in smoke and then you look a fool to everybody in your greater municipal area. Okay! Just enough.”

[She defabs the file and takes the deck back, blowing on the sides. A finger and thumb run along its sides real quick, and then the human nods, satisfied, and hands the deck back to Darve.]

[Pirouette] ”So there’s a lot you can do with one of these - lemme show you the simplest one. Darve, I’m gonna pick a card, then you’re gonna pick it out of the deck.”

[Darve] “Okay.”

[Pirouette] ”And that’s gonna impress me and I’ll buy you a drink, which is pretty much the endgoal of most of these.”

[Darve] “Really?”

[Pirouette] ”...the drink, or the endgoal?”

[Darve] “The drink.”

[Pirouette] ”As long as it’s not radioactive.”

[Darve] “Hell yeah.”

[Pirouette] ”All right, I choose this one.”

[She draws one randomly from the deck and shows it to the camera drone - it’s the ace of hearts - then sets it face down and hands it to Darve.]

[Pirouette] ”What happens next?”

[Darve] “I put it back in, then...”

[Although he begins to re-insert the card, the krogan pauses and thinks carefully. He’s clearly got some street smarts to him - probably why he was chosen as the assistant. Pirouette watches wordlessly; at last, Darve turns the card upside-down and puts it back in the deck, and she nods.]

[Pirouette] ”Good. You don’t want to make it obvious that you’re doing that; flick your wrist to disguise it. Make the motion look natural.”

[Withdrawing the card, Darve tries again a few times until he can sufficiently sleight-of-hand it, then carefully feels the edges of the deck with his fingers. After a moment, he grins widely and pulls out the ace of hearts.]

[Darve] “Is this it?”

[Pirouette] ”Damn right it is. Good job, Darve. So basically, the trick is to disguise the fact that you’re turning it upside down when you put it back in the deck, and then to make sure the deck’s squared up or else you’re--”

[Behind them, a tomkah crashes through the camp’s frontlines, with Reave riding its hood like a chariot. The harvester from the cut footage is hot in pursuit.]

AVALON

[Interior: the Castle of the Fisher King. Enter Sir Balin with Merlin, the wizard.]

[Merlin] “Ominously: Now, while Sir Balan hies him hence to the castle of Garnish, we shall assay to uncover the truth. Girt ye well with noblesse and bravery, Balin le Savage.”

[Sir Balin] “Ye say well, Merlin. Whose castle is this, and whose heraldry?”

[Merlin] “Needless gravitas: It is the manor of King Pellam, the Fisher King. In these lands came never a knight but he had strange adventures, and peradventure hidden knowledge will come upon ye as we are received.”

[Enter King Pellam, a batarian in ornate armor.]

[King Pellam] ”Well met, Sir Balin. I am passing wroth at your arrival, for I wist not that you rode hither with Merlin.”

[Sir Balin] “Good sir, you do me a despite. I know you not, yet you vex me with your words.”

[Merlin] “Sagely: Wit ye well, ye are known to this man.”

[King Pellam] ”Aye, your birth was an hundred fold greater than all of myth and legend, for Merlin foretold it that you would become a glorious knight, clean of villainy and treason, and passing brave. And right so I knew to draw you forth to my castle.”

[Sir Balin] “What say you, sir?”

[King Pellam] “Peradventure you still take Sir Balan as your true brother? Then you are more unwise, for I tell you now, rejoice not in that knowledge. There came a day when my court’s wizards delivered him up onto me, fully manned and horsed, from the cloning vats.”

[Sir Balin is passing vexed.]

[Sir Balin] “By my troth! What falsehood is this?”

[Merlin] “With dismay: No falsehood, but ere the truth to man may seem right strange and fantastic. In my heart I wit that it was so, yet I had hoped not for your sake.”

[Sir Balin] “Wherefore did you take this terrible course?”

[King Pellam pulls back a curtain, revealing a gold-draped bed and takes an iron spear from across its length. He brandishes the spear in both hands.]

[King Pellam] ”See you this marvelous spear, strangely wrought? Within it lies the sacred blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, who was first and foremost of the Reapers, that Joseph of Arimathea, the most worshipful man in all his time, brought into this land, and there himself lay in that rich bed. And this was the same spear that Longinus smote our Lord to the heart, and festooned it passing heavy with Reaper devices, so that he who holds it may order them hence and thence. And I am nigh of Joseph’s kin; therefore it is sooth that the spear is my birthright. But to be made once again a mighty weapon with which to rule the Isle of Avalon, it must needs be doused in the blood of the righteous, whither mine or yours. And so I sent Sir Balan forth, to lead you hither, that we may contest arms and determine who now shall inherit the Spear of Longinus and lead the Reaper army across Avalon’s shores.”

[He raises the spear. Sir Balin draws his sword, and they prepare to fight.]

[Merlin] “Knowingly: An I had not seen it already in visions, I would not believe the show of arms before me. Sir Balin, I have given aid and succor so that you might now strike a most dolorous stroke against the Fisher King, and lay low his reign for many years till the Sangreal is found once again. Turn him now to great dole, tray and trene, in accord with prophecy, or else doubt not that the vengeance of the Reapers will fall upon ye first.”

[Sir Balin] “So be it. Have at you, sir!”

[They charge at each other to fight, and Balin’s sword clashes against Pellam’s spear. Smash cut to black.]

And my forced subscription of this is vindicated.

Seriously, the language used in this alone must have taken more effort than the entirety of all the other shows combined.

Finally, some actual quality programming on this accursed channel.

This reminds of the many adaptations the Hegemony Vidcast Consortium would play for the characters of the Epic of Ur'Peq. Of course, the sets were somewhat low-cost, but the acting more than made up for it.

what

spear > sword

[Reave] ”Everything is in readiness! Prepare to light the beacon!”

[Pirouette] ”Uh, exactly how much preparation went into--”

[Reave] ”Be silent! Roll the chronicle device!”

[The feed cuts in, revealing our hosts on a large ridge, overlooking a Tuchankan valley. It’s laden with craters and wreckage (well, even more so than usual for Tuchanka), and Pirouette’s nervousness is only matched by Reave’s obvious enthusiasm.]

[Pirouette] ”I’m just saying, sometimes critical details of this shit tend to float on by your well-meaning dome.”

[Reave] ”All details are in place! Merely announce the segment and my ascension into the ranks of the slapstick priesthood will be complete.”

[He holds an enormous remote in one hand, and gesticulates wildly with it at every punctuation mark, causing the human to cringe a little each time. Still, evidently keen on show business, she takes a deep breath and turns to the camera with the ‘I’m about to die on holovision’ look.]

[Pirouette] ”Um. I’m Pirouette, and this is Thresher Valley Rally.”

[Reave] ”Now read the cue card into the comm!”

[Pirouette] ”Are you absolutely sure about this because I have reasonable doubts that it’s going to--”

[The drell appears to swell in size, and storm clouds begin to gather overhead. Brushing the front end of her faux-hawk out of an eye, Pirouette hastily begins reading into a commlink.]

[Pirouette] ”Uh, ahem. Soldiers of Clan Vailwer, the hated slaves of Gothteng and Dinroth have encroached upon the sacred valley!”

[The commlink has apparently been set to deepen her voice.]

[Pirouette] ”Mobilize, chosen sons of Tuchanka, and drive the enemy from our lands! Do it now, before our shooting schedule is - Reave! - uh, before the territory is forever lost to us!”

[Silence.]

[Pirouette] ”...Well?”

[Reave] ”Momentarily...”

[In the distance, a thousand engines roar, and sure enough, it’s less than a minute before a whole horde of tomkah come tearing out of the swirling dust clouds and charge head-on into the valley, manned with Vailwer krogan shouting for the blood of their enemies.]

[Reave] ”...excellent. Now.”

[He presses a button on the remote. There’s a prodigious WHOOM and a fresh cloud of dust from an impact in the center of the valley. A moment later, the source of the noise is revealed - it must have been an impact beacon, because thresher maws begin to burst through the planet’s crust all over the valley, spewing acid and lashing out at the tomkah. Explosions begin to pepper the nearby ridges as heavy vehicles fly everywhere, shattered debris rains from the sky, and shouting krogan begin firing their weapons.]

[The pair watch from the hillside. Pirouette is making this face, while Reave looks positively thrilled.]

[Pirouette] ”...Okay, credit where credit is due. That is...it’s going exactly the way you...wow, that dude got about six miles of air.”

[Reave] ”And to think, they claim holovision is no catalyst of regional change.”

[A tomkah flies directly over their heads, exploding against a nearby ridge.]

[Pirouette] ”I’m not really sure how much that needed to change.”

[Smash cut to the logo one last time.]



[Credits for THE SHORT HOUR begin running straight over the logo. Episode ends.]

Can't say anybody will miss those krogan.

Care to reconsider?

Somehow, I should have known this was good to be true for this channel...