THE SHORT HOUR S1E1: Day Trip to the Hospital

[The scene opens to show Terrorbyte sitting behind a massive desk made of some strange, green marble. Hovering holopanels flit over the desk displaying stock market information, superpoint presentations, various computer access panels - clearly hacks he has going on in the background - financial info, and more. Behind him, a pair of human women in what could generously be called ‘office attire’ (but more accurately called ‘sexy office worker halloween costumes’) hold datapads, apparently ready to jump at his every command. Behind them is the massive logo of DDS. Dwick’s eyes seem to glower at the viewer as the commercial continues.]

TERRORBYTE: “Hello. My *hsssssk* name is Terrorbyte. No. That’s not my real *hsssssk* name. I can’t tell you my real name because, just a few years ago, I was a *hssssssk* lowly hacker. One of the best hackers to ever *hsssssk* exist, yes, but a hacker nonetheless.”

[The camera shifts, and Terrorbyte turns to face it.]

TERRORBYTE: “And now, I’m the CFO of one of the *hssssssk* largest, sexiest, most *hssssssk* amazing new media companies in the known galaxy. How did I do this? How did I go from *hsssssk* Terrorbyte the hacker to *hsssssk* Terrorbyte the financial genius? Well. All those secrets - and *hssssssk* more - can be found in my newest book, ‘I’m Rich, Bitches.’”

[One of the humans behind Terrorbyte moves into view, holding up a book and smiling the most ingenuine smile ever recorded on camera. Terrorbyte smugly ignores it, merely pointing at this book.]

TERRORBYTE: “In this book you’ll find my *hsssssk* twenty-four step program to financial success, my list of things that every *hsssssk* successful volus does to stay successful, a series of words that will *hssssk* unlock financial independence as if by magic, the diet you’ll *hsssssk* need to stay successful, and - of course - the most important piece of financial advice ever. What is that *hssssk* advice?”

[The camera shifts again. Terrorbyte nearly topples out of his seat in an attempt to face it in time.]

TERRORBYTE: “Well. You’ll have to *hssssk* buy my book to find out.”

BUY “I’M RICH, BITCHES” NOW FROM ANY BOOKSTORE OR DOWNLOAD SITE ASSOCIATED WITH DDS. NOTE: ALL INFORMATION IN THIS BOOK IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED AN ENDORSEMENT OF ACTUAL SOUND FINANCIAL PLANNING. THIS BOOK IS NOT LEGAL IN SOME COLONIES. ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE A FREE TERRORBYTE STYLUS COLLECTION AND THE DDS COFFEE MUG. SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED. BUY YOURS TODAY!

TERRORBYTE: “You know you want to *hsssssk* be like me. Now you can. Buy this book *hsssssk*.”

Ten credits says he got someone to ghostwrite it for him.

Fifteen that all the pages amount to "Ha ha, I'm better and richer than you."

So, that it's like any book on the subject?

oh hey i think i can hear again

[Hargh (VO)] “LAST TIME ON HARGH SHOW, YOU CHOKE AND DIE! ALSO!”

FLASH

[Fat krogan on couch!]

[Hargh (VO)] “Jorgal Dwick, CEO DDS MIA!”

FLASH

[Badly edited cuts!]

[Hargh (VO)] Dwick being sued for paternity again! Weyrloc Hong—run—top salarian scientist—give results, or else DEVOURED BY VARREN!”

FLASH

[Closeups of a morbidly obese infant!]

[Weyrloc Hong (VO)] “He…he looked three hundred pounds lighter in the dark…”

[Hargh (VO)] “Evidence Considerable!”

[Back to the “live cut.” Hargh waves a datapad in the air as an emaciated salarian is dragged off set.]

[Hargh] “AND RESULTS ARE IN!”

[Dwick leans forward as far as his bulk will allow, tapping the floor excitedly. Weyrloc Hong looks increasingly like doing this was a bad idea.]

[Dwick] “Oh boy oh boy OH BOY OH BOY—”

[Hargh] “Jorgal Dwick, In case of Lil’ Dwick…”

[Tense camera cut, looking at everyone on stage, then at the audience.

Hargh throws the datapad into the air.]

[Hargh] “YOU! ARE! FATHER!”

[Dwick lurches into the air with the grace of an explosion, roaring with glee and ripping Lil’ Dwick from Hung’s hands, making “humping” motions with him as the toddler looks around dimly. Cue Hong leaping up with a shriek, tackling Dwick, Hargh pulling the lever for a trapdoor to open beneath them both…and Dwick clogging the hole.]

[Dwick] “HAW! Even when ya win, YA LOSE! SUCK MY HUNG, HONG!”

[Hargh slaps the camera back toward him. It overbalances and falls to the floor, and Hargh presses his face to the floor to grin at it.]

[Hargh] “Show leave for more ads! MORE CRAZY! TOUCH CONTROLS AND DIE!”

...You know, I do not know what is more horrifying. Dwick passing on a genetic legacy, or the fact that at sometime, somewhere in the galaxy, a female was that desperate enough to mate with him.

[Cut to the inside of a Nos Astra clothing store with chintzy music playing in the background. Camera pans right, showing an asari holding a stunning blue dress up to a saleswoman. Both are wearing incredibly tacky smiles.]

[CUSTOMER] “Excuse me, but do you have this in a smaller size?”

[SALESWOMAN] “Of course. Just a moment.”

[The saleswoman walks to the right, camera in tow, and opens a door, which explodes with absolutely no warning.

Shrieks of terror wrack the storefront as “Cerberus” soldiers, all in iconic bulky armor, swarm in, shooting indiscriminately into the crowd. A Cerberus phantom (played by a quarian) charges in, stabbing the saleswoman with an improbably large sword, then snaps her attention to the customer from the beginning – who that bloodstained dress to her neck and shrieks.

The “Phantom” swings her sword at the customer.]

[PHANTOM] ”THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!”

[CUSTOMER] “WHAT?!”

[PHANTOM] ”THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU’D JUST BENT THE KNEE! NOW THERE’S ONLY ONE HOPE FOR YOU!”

[The asari collapses to her feet, holding the shirt dress up like some ineffectual targe.]

[CUSTOMER] “Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t kill me, what do you want?!”

[PHANTOM] ”BUY CERBERUS SHIT!”

[A monolith crashes through the ceiling, landing a terrifyingly close distance from the asari, who screams again, cowering. She looks up at it – cueing a snap cut to the image on its front.]



[PHANTOM] ”THE ILLUSIVE MAN T-SHIT - TWENTY-FIVE CREDITS AT ALL DDS STORES! BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT!”

[CUSTOMER] “WHAT IS WRONG WI—”

[PHANTOM] ”CHIT! OUT! NOW!”

[The asari screams. The Phantom poises over her.]

[PHANTOM] “BUY IT OR WE’LL KILL YOUR FAMILY!”

[She raises the sword over her head.]

[PHANTOM] “Человечество перед всеми!”


Half of all proceeds from The Illusive Man T-Shirt sales go to Sand4Saviors and Illium’s Batarian Relief fund.

[She swings. The scream cuts out mid-shriek.

Cut to black. Silence. Move to the next segment.]

...

They're certainly aggressive about their marketing tactics.

Why is the Phantom a quarian?

THAT'S YOUR FIRST QUESTION?!

i think im going to be sick

DDS: Taking 'aggressive marketting' to insane new heights.

I think I'm in shock.

...

That...

That actually happened.

...

Fucking hell, I'm buying merchandise.

...

why?

That's just tasteless.

I mean really, there is no way in which that is not horribly offensive/potentially criminal/incredibly fucked up (for lack of a more polite term).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are there not supposed to be some forms of regulation for broadcasting advertisements in C-Space? Because I am fairly certain...whatever DDS is doing with this, should be brought into question by a legal authority.

[Reave] ”--is unclear. During that time, I wandered in the ethereal realm, seeking a means by which I could manifest my physical form once again.”

[Pirouette] ”Right, yeah. Trust me, you got the long end of the stick; I spent half the war giving huntresses free margaritas. I mean what the fuck else am I supposed to do, I can’t shoot a space crab in the mouth. Shit was like the polar opposite of cash.”

[The feed gradually fades back in - Reave and Pirouette, still in surgical scrubs, have apparently hidden out in the back of an ambulance, probably one from the same hospital they were just in.]

[Pirouette] ”It was worst towards the end of the war. This ship just straight up crashes next to the club and the next thing I know some chinaman with a samurai sword and no clothes is running round my VIP room saying he’s with Cerberus and needs transport off-world.”

[Reave] ”Did you treat him as a wench, and strike him mightily with the back of your hand for his insolence?”

[Pirouette] “Dogg I was not laying hands on him, that dude was sporting mad tumescence and had a god damn sword. Phobes was off duty in the saph room and threw him to John Law, and--”

[Both of them have apparently noticed the blinking red light on the camera drone.]

[Reave] ”Our exploits are once again being recorded, so that those who come after may sing of us in their fathers’ halls.”

[Pirouette] ”Shit. Uh, hey viewers, we’re hell of contingent on the callous whim of fate right now, so--”

[Voice From Front of Ambulance] “We got another one! Loading!”

[Pirouette] ”God damn am I timely. I’m Pirouette, and this is the Worst Aid.”

[The doors to the ambulance pop open, and a turian with an obvious compound fracture in his lower leg is loaded in on a gurney. Pirouette nods to Reave as they take off again, and the drell leaps through the divider into the front.]

[Turian Patient] “Augh...spirits, this hurts. Thanks for the quick response.”

[Voice From Front of Ambulance] “Hey, what are you--oof!”

[New Voice From Front of Ambulance] ”Excellent! I am loosed upon the Nos Astra skyways - it is my right as First Archon, as stated upon the learner’s permit bestowed upon me by the gods! Now, let us ram this chariot deep into the heart of the boiling abyss, which Kalihira herself has prepared for those who would dare to let the old heresies take root in their souls!”

[Turian Patient] “...wha?”

[Pirouette] ”He means to the hospital. Yup. Here we are, on our way to the hospital.”

[A pause.]

[Pirouette] ”....Yup.”

SEVERAL AWKWARD MINUTES LATER...

[Turian Patient] “Hey! What the hell is this?!”

[A quick pan out from the open ambulance doors reveals that the vehicle has been landed in the shattered remains of a skyscraper in Old Nos Astra, with the turian still strapped to a gurney in the back. Several meters away, Pirouette revs up a hoverbike, with Reave perched behind her like a large predatory bird.]

[Turian Patient] “You said we were going to the hospital!”

[Both of our hosts reach back and produce sunglasses, sliding them on.]

[Pirouette] ”I LIED, HOLMES!”

[With a final roar of the mass effect generator, they launch off into the Illium skies, and the feed smash cuts to the logo one more time.]



[Credits for THE SHORT HOUR begin running straight over the logo. Episode cuts out.]

Damnit Kage, why am I watching this and when is the next episode?!

I'm counting two murders so far.

How many more do you think there'll be by the time this is over? I bet at least four.

edit: dozen. four dozen.

I do not know who this Dwick is or how he gained such a large network that he somehow keeps anonymous, I do not know why people work for him despite his disregard for the safety of everyone, and I do not know how certain individuals in his employ are able to slip through the fingers of law enforcement.

But I hope for one thing: that someone, somewhere will find it in their hearts to do everything in their power to see this krogan's legacy utterly demolished before his eyes, to see all that he has achieved undone, and that as he is moments from having his life snuffed out for the greater good of us all he realizes what it means to be truly and utterly defeated.

In summary: I do not like DDS.