[Breaking] Planetary Explosion Ruled “Relay Misfire” by Reapers

Planetary Explosion Ruled “Relay Misfire” by Reapers

Jonathan Aubrey, Vigilant Scythe Hourly

An unexpected explosive event in the Latti System has turned to tragedy today as Apru Colony reported the destruction of Amadan, a dextro-based garden world once considered for quarian colonization shortly before the Reaper War. Apru, which has been relying on QEC to maintain communications with Citadel Space since the Lambda 1 Relay was destroyed, has reported that the cause of Amadan’s destruction was due to the relay accidentally launching a Reaper into the planet.

These reports come amidst Reaper assurance that repairs on the Lambda 1 Relay, along with several others, would be completed soon. In a statement issued to the colony by a Reaper entering planetary orbit, the Reapers thanked the colony for its patience in this matter.

Its final statement, “Your cycle is very important to us,” was delivered as the reaper left orbit, deafening hundreds with its horn. Attempts to receive further information have thus far been inconclusive.

The Quarian Admiralty Board could not be reached for comment on this development.

I would like to file a complaint with Reaper Customer Service.

Haha, KABLOW! Man, I would've loved to see that. Not every day you get to watch a whole planet go up! KABLOOIE! Wow! Is there a video?

I died, didn't I? I died during the war and this is the chaotic realm of legend in which our souls are doomed to endure for eternity. I'm right, aren't I?

Reaper 'misfire?' Reapers don't damn well misfire! They're nigh-invulnerable, near-immortal, near-omniscient death machines from beyond the rim! They can't 'misfire.' I'll bet you the shirt on my back that there's something more to this. Mark my words, folks.

Puts a whole new spin on talking to customer service bots, eh?

I thought this board was run by salarians now.

Who we are is up for debate, and we like to keep it that way.

Ho ho ho.

Perhaps it is run by humans who believe they are actually salarians?

^ You're all drama queens.

Actually Pertaining To Article: I guess accidentally destroying a planet is enough to get the Reapers to break their wall of silence. I'm still surprised they bothered to explain themselves at all, they're so secretive.

I'm honestly not sure what the proper response is to this, if any. Noramlly, I just try to forget they're around, but the big genocidal killbots are still out there, and they're serving as the universe's fixer uppers.

...

Strange world.

Heh, okay okay that made me laugh a bit.

wait,so Reapers talk?

...Holy crap, I just felt sorry for a Reaper.

It is a strange new galaxy!

You do realize what today is right?

Can't really be mad or anythin', when yah think about it. I mean, they've gone almost two years without burnin' anythin' to the ground, figures they'd have a little relapse or two along the way, accident 'r not.

That's good PR too, 'specially for them, anyway. Well, without indoc'ing, I mean. Lotsa folks and governments would kill for that kinda marketing tool.

Yes, we certainly can't blame them for using their impossibly powerful selves to destroy garden worlds - you know, since they're not using them on us.

How does everyone like their leash, by the way?

...Well. I do now.

Oh, please.

Reapers don't even know what April's Fool Day is.

STOP SPREADING THE DISINFO.

Man, I love being Human.

Awww come on man, don't be like that. They sent a fellow to sorta-apologize and everything! And wreckin' garden worlds is still a step up from purgin' life! Sure, it doesn't seem like big one, but at least they aren't gobbling up folks for cannies or shriekers or whatever. The doom-machines are tryin', just gotta forgive them splatterin' the occasional garden world, y'know?

My leash is snug, though, with all those superdreads on the other end. Thanks for askin'!

Given the human writer here and the date, I somehow have doubts.