[Illium] Task Force Assembled to Investigate Crime Spree

Task Force Assembled to Investigate Crime Spree

Scon Lintell, Outside In Entertainment

As of yesterday afternoon, Nos Astra officials have placed a small team of investigators into a task force dedicated to the search for sixteen-year-old Saleek Nuvetas, known to Illium residents as the “Professional Panty Raider.” The salarian, described by police as “1.8 meters tall, silver-skinned and bearing a red-striped tattoo along his horns,” has been making waves across the asari-dominated planet by breaking into celebrities’ homes and removing all articles of undergarments from the premises. No witnesses have come forth to describe his crimes, though he has left a “calling card” at each of his crimes: a holographic silhouette of the victim in question, with a highlighted pelvic region.

Victims’ reactions to the string of thefts have been mixed, from fear and horror over the thefts to sheer perplexity at the thief’s seeming refusal to take other objects.

“I just don’t get it, said Porette Nureed, noted victim and star of Astra Broadcasting Network’s Time Enough for Me. “There are so many things in my closet alone that are far more expensive than that. My Silver Satellite Award for Best Actress was sitting just outside, and it’s probably more expensive than everything he’s stolen so far…Why just go for my [undergarments]?”

Other victims, such as turian actor Eszark Mutandis, were more aggressive in their stance.

“I say let that little [censored] come back,” he said in a statement to Outside In. “Let him come back and try that little stunt again with me. Nobody comes into my home and [censored] steals from me, nobody.”

Nos Astra police have urged calm in response to this, and for Nos Astra celebrities to invest in stronger security until such time as Saleek is apprehended. Makrink Security’s stock rose sharply with this statement, as did Eternity Lingerie’s.

Only on Illium.

I wish. Man, people go fucking crazy about celebs.

And here I thought this would be about those serial killings going on. But no, they're putting a bunch of money into some salarian stealing the underwear of the rich.

...
he didn't take my underpants

yet. Oh, this is weird, I also thought this was about the killer from the headlines. I have heard of that guy but never really followed it. Seriously, It can't be too hard to catch someone like that, can it?
Or... are certain celebs even interested in getting a 'visit'?

There's always people obsessed with celebrities who'd be willing to pay high prices for something like that... Seems odd though, if he's just after money why wouldn't he take more than just underpants? Say it was the property of celebrities and he'd probably get even more.

what a weirdo.

skhash not worried about him. skhash not even wear underwear.

They're gonna lock this kid up for stealing underwear. Fucking underwear.

It's official: This galaxy has finally reached its lowest of lows.

A serial killer terrorizes the city; special task force created for pantysnatcher.

This diversionary tactic is not very believable.

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Ten credits says Dwick hired the salarian to do it and that's why he's flipping out.

man, i thought frogs weren't into this shit

That's why I think Dwick paid him. Like, think about it. A salarian probably wouldn't do that. But Dwick? Dwick would.

VEEEEEEEEEEENTS

WHERE ARE YOU, YOU HOSED-FACED PYJAK-DICKED THUNDERCUNT

YOU KNOW I GOT, LIKE, EIGHT MEETIN'S TERDAY

WHEN I FIND YOU I'M GONNA SHOVE YER FEEDIN' TUBE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'LL TASTE SHIT FER A WEEK

NOW WHERE

ARE

MY

PAAAAAAAAAAAANTS

Oh god. Not again.

Allow me to amend that.

Terrorbyte paid him.

This is possibly one of the most hilarious things I've seen to come out of Illium in some time.

Stealing underwear is worth a headline on the news, and an entire task force being sent to try catch the thief in question? I mean that seems kind of excessive for what is essentially a larger scale college prank.

Yes but it targets and annoys wealthy people. And that's bad.

The fact that the victims were celebrities is probably why. One or more of them is probably using their money or influence to get visibility for this story and increase the change of apprehending the suspect. It is also hilarious, but it is also serial thievery. And possibly relates to some sort of fetish.