SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) - S1E1: "SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), ASSEMBLE!"

1.1 - Pilot: "SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), ASSEMBLE!"

DDS Weekly Holo's Epysode Plot Synopsys: Galactic Premiere. The team introduces themselves to the viewing audience, are given magical abilities by the Ancient Thoar, then gather at their ship to investigate a problem in the Dozer Galaxy. Dreadzalon sends his minions to destroy the PROTECTOR(Z) at any cost.

Should have gone into acting instead. Maybe it's still an option?

This is going to be either hilarious or mentally scarring.

Probably both.

... Why's it spelt with a Z? Y'don't spell Protectors like dat.

Its an old human thing from about 200 years ago. I belive the opinion was that putting a z at the end of words were it did not belong made everything more "Radical".

Huh, apparently, I'm having trouble trying to unsubscribe from this channel.

Ah well, might as well see what this show is about, maybe it'll be fun.

Dat's retarded.

Always give something a chance to impress you.

Even if the logo is already giving you a sinking feeling.

Why?

I mean, it's a krogan face holoshopped on a planet. I don't get how a logo is indicative of quality.'

...Although, I'm pretty certain "Syndykyt" isn't how the word is supposed to be spelled.

it's dwick.

kirok stop trying to be cool

z is the last letter

cool kids sit in the back of the space shuttle

z is therefore cool




ps omg so excited i love holovision omgomgomg

[The scene opens on a shot of the Citadel (pre-Crucible), where the Space Protector(z) keep their base. The camera zooms in on the mediocre cel painting as words appear underneath in big block letters.]

THE CITADEL, SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) HQ, 22XX

[The shot fades to a scene of MORRO THE VOLUS looking at a desk full of paperwork (yes, PAPERWORK) that threatens to engulf him. Behind him, screens show various explosions of... well, stuff, it's not important.]

Morro: (Grumbling) "With advancing ire: work work work work work. That is all I do, work. Angrily: Not a moment's peace from this dangblasted paperwork. Frustrated: the universe is going to heck in a handbasket, and I am stuck here surrounded by red tape."

Slappy: "Aw, come on, it ain't DAT [REDACTED] bad!"

[The painted background pans to the right to show SLAPPY THE HYPERINTELLIGENT PYJAK lounging on a couch, waving a wrench like an idiot. He sounds, oddly enough, like a krogan with a glandular problem.]

Morro: "Warningly: Slappy! Just because they gave you hyper brain acceleration doesn't mean you get to mouth off to me! Why, if it weren't for the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), you'd be out on the streets!"

[The only animation here is Morro's faceplate blinking in closeup, with occasional jerking up or down. Why he telegraphs his mood like an elcor is anybody's guess.]

Morro: "Angrily: Now put down that wrench and call them in!"

Slappy: "Pbbbthhhhh. You never lemme have enny [REDACTED] fun."

[In any case, Slappy leaps off the couch, exaggeratedly stuffs his wrench into a pyjak-size toolvest, and gives a sharp whistle.

Into the room comes the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z), led by JACK SMITH. They're all wearing the same white-and-blue jumpsuits and look like a 5-year-old's idea of sci-fi heroes (if said 5-year-old grew up in the 80's).]

Jack Smith: "You sent for us, Captain Morro?"

Morro: "Displeased: I most certainly did! We've been getting strange reports from a small uninhabited system in the eastern arm of the Dozer galaxy!"

[A cel painting of something labeled "DOZER GALAXY" appears on a screen. There's a lot of flashing lights, so the kids know it's high-tech.]

Jack Smith: "What kind of reports, Morro?"

Morro: "THE BAD KIND. Explaining: It seems like a few ships carrying food and guns have gone missing there! They seem to have gone missing!"

Zip: "WOWEE WOW WOW, that sounds mega dangerous!"

[The voice director has chosen the most high-pitched, obnoxious female VA available for ZIP THE SALARIAN. His squeaking drives people over the age of five insane.]

Jack Smith: "Indeed it does, Zip. It could be the work of those dreaded SPACE PIRATES."

[The entire group takes a gasp. SARI THE ASARI moves forward.]

Sari: "Space pirates?! By the maker, space pirates haven't been seen in that sector for over a hundred years! I sense great danger ahead!"

[SCRHECK THE TURIAN takes out his guns and twirls them unnecessarily.]

Schreck: "I'm not scared of a few space pirates. I'm not the best shooter in the known galaxy for nothing. If they're there, I'll get them."

Jack Smith: "Cool your retrojets, old friend. We're not going to go in guns blazing. We're going to need a plan."

[Schreck glares at Jack Smith, but does not put away his guns, trying to look as "cool" as possible. Indeed, he poses with them in the background so that ADD-addled kids have something to focus on as Morro talks.]

Morro: "Disgruntled: Well, plan fast, Space Protector(z), because you're going out there right now! Get to your keisters to the Protectotron and POWER UP! You'll need all the dark energy you can get to power your special abilities! For all we know, this is some new enemy we've never seen before!"

[One badly-animated dissolve later, we see that the SPACE PROTECTORS(Z) are being watched through a crystal ball. There is no explanation given for how the figure watching it is watching them; he simply launches into a monologue.]

Figure: "HAHAHAHAHA. THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z). I KNEW I WOULD CROSS PATHS WITH THEM SOME DAY."

[And now we see where all the animation money went, as we watch the figures eyes - the figure's only visible features - dashing from side to side on the screen, glaring malevolently.]

Figure: "IT IS TIME TO TEACH THESE FOOLS A LESSON - THAT I, REAPER LORD DREADZALON, ALONE LIVE TO WREAK HAVOC IN THE UNIVERSE IN THE NAME OF EVIL."

[Someone in the script department realized that our demographic won't get what he's saying, so both eyes suddenly shift to the right, revealing two other characters.]

Dreadzalon: "BLADE! BULK! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU USELESS BUCKETS OF BOLTS?"

[Out of the shadows of the ship emerge BLADE AND BULK. Blade is a kid's idea of a Marauder, which basically means 'spiky turian.' Bulk is an extremely toyetic Brute. You can practically see the button on his back for 'smashing action.']

Blade: "Yessssssss, father?" [Snarling noises]

[Yet another miracle of the Voice Acting Department, a vorcha that has mastered basic grammar.]

Dreadzalon: "TAKE ONE OF OUR DREADNOUGHTS TO THE GOZER SYSTEM! THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) WILL BE THERE SOON. I WANT YOU TO SET A TRAP FOR THEM!"

Bulk: "Durhhhhhr, dah Space Protector(z)es?"

Blade: "YESSSSSS! The Space Protector(z), my dumb brother! (HISSSS) They shall rue the day they met ME" [SNARL], "PRINCE BLADE, HEIR TO THE THRONE!"

[Bulk just raises his fists and barks laughter.]

Bulk: "BULK SMASH SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)! BULK SMASH TO BITS! HRA HRA HRA HRA HRA HRA HRA."

[Dreadzalon's overly animated eyes narrow and turn gold. A bolt of golden energy strikes at Bulk and Blade's feet, doing no harm but making them jump back.]

Dreadzalon: STOP IT, YOU METALLIC NINCOMPOOPS! GET TO THE SHIP BEFORE I HAVE YOU RECYCLED FOR SPARE PARTS! GO! THROUGH THE DREAD RELAY AND INTO ALLIANCE SPACE!"

[And so they do, in a poorly-animated scatter offscreen, yelping and snorting all the way. Cut to a shot of husks loading into a ship, which will in no way be recycled a hundred times throughout the series. The ship itself - which is NOT a dreadnought, because the animators never did the research - flares and jumps through the DREAD RELAY, which itself flares with evil purple energies.

Cut to a shot of a very small cockpit with Bulk and Blade in the pilot seats, piloting primitive pilot's yolks.]

Blade: "The glory of this fight will be mine!"

Bulk: "GLORY! FIGHT! HRA HRA HRA HRA."

Blade [Sotto voce]: "And afterwards, I will replace my father and become the TRUE lord of the New Reaper Army!" [Unnecessary snarling sounds]

[Meanwhile, back on the Citadel, the Space Protector(z) are entering a large room with four stylized Z's on the floor. In the center is a large...krogan?...on... one of those...dinosaur...things. Apparently the animators tried to make him look like he was in a holographic projection, but decided to settle for a transparent layer and slow strobe effects.]

Jack Smith: "THOAR, leader of the Cosmic Krogan! We have need of your power today!"

Zip: "Th-th-that's a krogan? YOIP!"

Sari: "Don't be afraid. The krogan are a wise, docile species, known for their wisdom and mastery over the dark energy that fuels the galaxy!"

Thoar: [Rumbling] "SO. SPACE PROTECTOR(Z). YOU COME TO ME TODAY FOR MORE ENERGY TO POWER YOUR ABILITIES."

Schreck: "Do we have to go through this krogan mumbo-jumbo every time we come here?"

Jack Smith: "Easy there, old chum. We have to respect his ways. Not everyone can be gifted with the powers of the dark energy."

Thoar: "TOO RIGHT, JACK SMITH. NOW STEP INTO THE SACRED Z'S. THEN I WILL FOCUS MY POWER TO YOU FROM BLESSED NU SCHANKA."

[And here's where the REST of the animation budget went. Thoar's voice rumbles over a long, gratuitious shot of the Space Protector(z) getting their powers. Cue loads of Technicolor flashing, and a voice over clearly meant to tell the kids what these heroes can do.]

THOAR: "WITH MY POWER, JACK SMITH OF THE HUMANS, YOUR CYBERNETICS WILL INCREASE IN POWER TEN FOLD. YOU NOW HAVE THE STRENGTH AND SPEED OF TEN MEN."

[Cue Jack Smith adopting a pseudo-kung fu pose and lashing out with the palms of his hands, which shoot LASER BLASTS (PYOO PYOO PYOO) and a LASER KUNG-FU KICK.]

Thoar: "TO YOU, SARI, MY POWER WILL INCREASE YOUR PSYCHIC AND BIOTIC ABILITIES BETTER THAN ANY ASARI."

[Cue Sari clasping her hands and floating serenely into the air, her head-tentacles waving up and down and glowing with PHENOMENAL COSMIC ENERGY At the last moment, she pulls out her hands, forming a BALL OF ENERGY, which she shoots. The camera follows the ball as it whizzes by Zip.]

Thoar: "TO YOU, ZIP, MY POWER WILL UNLOCK THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE TO YOUR MIND, ALLOWING YOU TO BEND TIME AND SPACE WITH YOUR WILL ALONE."

[Cue Zip swinging a wrench like a conductor's baton, creating both an omnitool on his hand - and a ship from thin air that blasts off, flying by Scheck.]

Thoar: "AND TO YOU, SCHECK, I GIVE YOU PERFECT TURIAN AIM. NO ONE SHALL ESCAPE YOUR DEADLY SHOTS FROM YOUR TWIN SILVER PISTOLS."

[Cut Schreck rolling forward in some commando roll, peeking from side to side, then shooting at a conveniently placed, anachronistic archery target with 'perfect turian aim.' It naturally blows up.]

Thoar: "WITH THESE POWERS, YOU ARE: THE SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)!"

[GROUP POSE.

In comes BEEP BOOP THE ROBOT, which looks like a small round droid on anachronistic treads and bendy arms.]

Beep Boop: "BEEP BOOP BEEP! YOUR SHIP IS READY, SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)! GET INTO THE SPACE SHEPARD!"

[Cut to a scene of the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) running down a hallway - using about four frames of animation and a repeating background - to a very sleek-looking ship in some kind of docking bay. The SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) grab handrails hanging from the ceiling and are lifted into their spots on the ship, which are separated so the toy can separate into FOUR SEPARATE SHIPS later on.]

Sari: "Sari, ready!"

Zip: "Zip, ready, blerp!"

Schreck: "Schreck, READY."

Jack Smith: "Jack Smith, ready! Ignite thrusters! Set coordinates! GO SPACE PROTECTOR(Z)!"

[The music comes tumbling in at full volume to play the SPACE PROTECTOR(Z) THEME.]

THEME:

SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
PROTECTING SPACE! FOR THE HUMAN RACE! (Slappy: "DAT'S US")

SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
WHEN EVIL SHOWS FACE, THEN WE'LL GIVE CHASE!

JACK IS THE LEADER
[Jack: "Let's go, team!"]

SCHECK IS REALLY COOL
[Schreck: "Let's take 'em down!"]

ZIP IS THE COOL MACHINE KID
[Zip: "You know it! TEE HEE"]

SARI THE HEART OF THE TEAM
[Sari (nearly inaudible): "Asari forces...activate!"]

SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!
SPACE! PROTECTOR(Z)!

[Keyboard sounds; apparently the soundtrack team couldn't think of a good closing line.]

holy shit lol this is so racist


hilarious

STT: Riotous laughter

Holy fuck, it's like I'm watching a fever dream in real time.

I think I can feel my brain cells dying after watching that.

...

I'm going to go save them with alcohol.

Well...the theme song is catchy at least.

I can already tell though that the whole is probably going to be far greater than the sum of its parts.

Okay, I think I've finally worked this site out. It's some sort of secret society thing, the humans have a lot of them. Am I right? You have a creepy, slightly threatening name, which is why that C-Sec guy checked you out, because you're referencing a terrorist group, and you exchange information in code or something. And you're from all over the galaxy because your cult has cells all over?

I mean, this is clearly some sort of coded message, right? I've never heard of Dwick Dwickast Syndicate, this is a feed of the latest word from the illuminated one or whatever? "Slappy the Hyperintelligent Pyjak" is...a politician of some kind?

Okay, I have no idea what's going on.

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen, right next to replays of my Championship Final.

Seriously, got Gold Band of Valor. Three headshots.

...the...space...shepard...

hideous bastard demons of shrell, i could get lynched for watching this