THE SHORT HOUR S1E2: KLASSIKAL KLIXENS KLUB

[Drumroll.]

[DWICK (VO)] "AN' NOW IT'S TIME FER..."

[Crash.]

[DWICK (VO)] "DA SHORT HOUR ON DA DWICK DWICKCAST SYNDICATE!"



[DWICK (VO)] "Featurin' crowd favorites, like...PIROUETTE!"

[More cue cards, each showing a caricature of the actor in question.]

[DWICK (VO)] "SOMABEL! BERT LYDELLE! PIP DA TALKIN’ MOXIE! Aaaaaaaaaaand...JORGAL DWICK! ASSHOLES AN' FUCKFACES, THIS IS
DA SHORT HOUR!"

---

[We open on the exterior of a military outpost on...actually, from the architecture and the black, stormy sky, it looks like we’re on Tuchanka instead of Illium.]

[Pirouette] ”I really don’t think it’s going to matter, they’ve got low centers of gravity. It’s hard to knock a krogan down.”

[Reave] ”Perhaps for a wizened crone such as yourself. I am aided in this venture by the might bestowed upon me by the gods themselves, and also by eighteen gallons of varren fat.”

[A quick pan down reveals that the door to the krogan bunker is wide open, and our hosts have been slowly backing down a corridor towards the exit. Reave has a bucket of the aforementioned varren fat in his hands, and given how the floor glistens in front of them, he’s presumably been pouring it as they go. They’ve rounded one final corner before the exit, passing the entrance to a stairwell and steadily headed towards the doors.]

[Pirouette] ”...Dogg, you are dancing on the road to a slapped mouth.”

[Reave] ”All of our machinations have come to--what?”

[Pirouette] ”I’m twenty-six! I’m not wizened!”

[Reave] ”Cease your hair-splitting, and return your dubious attentions to our quest. While the other holovision networks are committing onanism in the fields, we will bring about a new age of comedy. Hosannas of worshipful laughter will rise from the masses, for they will know that the first of them to cease will have his still-beating heart offered to the Lady of Predation.”

[Pirouette] ”Just introduce the segment.”

[It’s a good time to do so - they’re already out the front door. An ancient-looking security camera watches from one of the corners, but the drone hovering next to it - probably one of Pirouette’s - has established some kind of connection, and is altering the feed. Dutifully, Reave throws aside the bucket, and turns to the camera drone.]

[Reave] ”So be it. I am Tethys Reave, and this is the Hanar Fire Drill.”

[The drone deactivates a second later, and Pirouette waves to the security camera, then pulls the drell out the front door. They duck in place as alarms begin blaring all over the bunker.]

[Intercom] ”INTRUDERS HAVE BREACHED THE NORTH ENTRANCE. ALL AVAILABLE HANDS, MOUNT A DEFENSE.”

[Almost immediately, the tromping of heavy feet echoes down the corridor. It sounds like a whole stampede is charging straight for them.]

[Pirouette] ”You realize if this goes south and we get hell of smashed, I can’t put myself back together like you can, right?”

[Reave] ”Ah, ye of little faith.”

[Unidentified Krogan Voice] “Spread out and--GRAAAAAHHHHHHH...”

[Sure enough, a moment later a shotgun comes sliding out from around the corner, followed by a krogan lying on his side and flailing wildly. The krogan skids down the hall and through the door, and all kinds of curses and crashing noises ring out as he makes his way down the stairs. A second later, another armored krogan follows, and then another, and then three at once. It’s a cacophony of smashes and yelling, interspersed by the blaring alarm and Reave’s maniacal laughter.]

[Pirouette] ”I gotta admit this is pretty impressive.”

[Reave] ”Bask in the glow of my superiority.”

[Intercom] ”DEPLOY THE GUNSHIPS.”

[A moment’s pause goes by.]

[Pirouette] ”....run.”

[Reave] ”You have surrendered the day too easily! Know that the forces of--”

[Pirouette] ”RUN!”

[Cut to black.]

By Valahira.

Not again.

I think I have spent a month trying to unsubscribe from this drivel, with no success.

Has anyone here managed to do so?

Why the hells would you want to? This is some high quality shit right here.

[This commercial starts with a close-up of a krogan eye as it opens, followed by a cut of him waking and sitting up on a concrete slab in a dark, plasteel-gray building. He gets to the edge of the “bed,” yawning and scratching his side like any bachelor…when the building visibly rocks.

The krogan’s eyes widen. That shouldn’t be happening...and where’s that whining noise coming from?

He stomps forward, still half-naked, opens the door to his room – and falls back in fear.

Roaring outside is a screeching maelstrom of filth and destruction, as his alleged “building” turns out a be an anachronistic sailboat in an ocean of brown. Waves upon waves of fetid ichor slam against the building, showers of brown fall from bulbous muddy stormclouds, and a massive gale splashes the krogan’s face with a nauseating spray. Spitting the filth out, the krogan wipes his mouth in disgust and looks up.]

[KROGAN] “Oh, no.”

[Oh, yes.

Panning to the sky, we see a ludicrous image of stormclouds made not fluffy water vapor but from a swarm of butts. Baby krogan butts, to be precise – if the overloaded diapers are any suggestion. It becomes all too clear that the screaming comes from a crowd of shrieking infants suspended in the sky, and the rain of brown…well, let’s just say there’s no denying where that comes from.

Women dart from cloud to cloud between them, shrieking wordless shouts of profanity of their own – and then, all of a sudden, they stop, turn, and point at the krogan in his sea of filth.

The camera shot rides a, uh, “payload” as it hurtles toward the male, who crabwalks backward in horror.]

[KROGAN] “No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—“

[Freeze-frame on his terrified face.]

[DWICK VO] “NEXT TIME USE A FUCKIN’ CONDOM!”

[Cut to a cardboard box with the logo of a fist knocking off a salarian head, a starburst spinning in the background.]

[DWICK VO] “URD-NOUGHTS! Fer da warrior on da go!”

[Cut to black.]

Oh shrell... Never before have I been so happy to have missed lunch.

Because I think NO I AM! going to sick.

...well, uhh...

That's...

Well I guess at least it's direct...

Yes, this is the quality I've come to expect from DDS, sadly.

I'm actually a bit surprised it's so restrained.

So to you, a condom commercial counts as high art?

Trust me, hon, you'll look back at that comment in the comin' years and laaaaaaaaugh.

It's funny as hells and you know what? That works for me.


Um...okay?

Poor kiddo's never had to worry about birth control. Little species is growin' up so fast!

And now...

AVALON

[Interior: the Hall of Camelot. King Arthur sits, enthroned, at the Round Table, surrounded by his knights. Before them stands the Lady Lile of Avelion, an asari with a sheathed sword at her side.]

[King Arthur] “Damsel, for what cause are ye girt with that sword? It beseemeth you not.”

[Lile of Avelion] ”My liege, this sword that I am girt withal doth me great sorrow and cumbrance, for I may not be delivered of this sword but by a knight, but he must be a passing good man of his hands and of his deeds, and without villainy or treachery, and without treason. And if I may find such a knight that hath all these virtues, he may draw out this sword out of the sheath. For I have been at King Rience’s, where it was told me there were passing good knights, and he and all his knights have assayed it and none can speed.”

[King Arthur] “A great marvel. An your words be sooth, I myself will assay to draw the sword - not presuming upon myself that I am the best knight on life, but to give example unto my knights vassal and bachelor alike.”

[He rises, and attempts to draw forth the sword, but fails.]

[Lile of Avelion] “You see it thus, my liege.”

[King Arthur] “Aye, ye say well. Now assay ye all my knights, but beware ye be not defiled with shame, nor treachery, nor guile.”

[Lile of Avelion] ”Then it will avail them not, for he must be a clean knight sans villainy, and of gentle birth, father and mother alike. I weened in this court had been the best knights on life, without treachery nor treason.”

[King Arthur] “In faith, you speak true. Who now will assay to draw out the sword?”

[Sir Balin, a strapping but shabbily-dressed turian, rises from the Round Table.]

[Sir Balin] “Suffer me to assay first, my liege; meseemeth, in my heart, to speed right well in this endeavor. For worthiness and good deeds are not only in arrayment, but hid also within man’s person, and many a worshipful knight is not known to all people.”

[Lile of Avelion] ”Zounds, ye say sooth - therefore assay to do what ye may.”

[Laying hands on the sword, Sir Balin draws it forth. The knights cheer, although some grumble with envy.]

[Lile of Avelion] ”In faith, this is a passing good knight, and the best that ever I found, and most of worship without treachery or villainy or treason, and many marvels shall he do. Now, courteous sir knight, I pray thee give me the sword again.”

[Sir Balin] “Nay, damsel, this sword I will keep, but only it be taken from me by force.”

[Lile of Avelion] ”Ye are more unwise to keep the sword from me. For ye shall slay with that sword the best friend that ye have, and whom ye love most in the world.”

[Sir Balin] “I shall take that adventure, that God will ordain me, but the sword ye will not have at this time, by faith of my body.”

[Lile of Avelion] ”Ye shall repent it in short time, for I would have the sword more for your avail than mine. My heart is passing heavy that ye will not believe the sword shall be your destruction, and that is great pity.”

[She departs in sorrow. Fade to black.]

I...I got nothing.

...Is it always this Artistic?

That last piece was... actually pretty touching. Using the humans' legendary northern-island king and the established mythology surrounding him as a vehicle for... whatever specific tragedy or hurtful readjustment we're dealing with here. You know, I might not get the details or even know what exactly it's referring to, but for the first time I think I see what the appeal of this is. We all share that pain, you know? I guess maybe we're supposed to take from this what we want or need, or else DDS needs to express its own sorrow.

Is this about the nuclear accident? Is that it? I think it might be.

COMING THIS SUMMER TO A DDS DOWNLOAD NEAR YOU

[Shot of the DDS logo, circling around lazily in space. The voice-over begins almost as immediately as the movie starts.]

VO: “This is Goronak Vashrabbi of the Sixty-Four Express and I’m talking to anytarian who’s listening out there.”

[We instantly get a shot of a frigate heading straight of Omega space, asteroids bouncing off the hull like raindrops on a road. We suddenly come to a shot of a batarian in a patched-up pilot’s helmet speaking into a microphone in his cockpit, apparently jabbering to whomever’s listening. This is Goronak Vashrabbi, and he is your protagonist.]

Goronak: “It’s an amazing galaxy we live in, and a batarian would have to be some kind of foolish vorcha to think we’re all alone in this crazy universe.”

[Immediate switch to some ghastly scenes - Undead ‘turian’ guards walking down a hallway armed with giant mextas; several statues of unguras, aka batarian devil dogs and shukoras, batarian spider-dragons; and of a bad shot of several asari dressed in ‘traditional asari attire’ - read, large blankets with holes and sequins in them - walking before a giant neon statue of Alkili, the five-armed batarian god of restless thinking.]

VO: Some say there is a HIDDEN WORLD where ANCIENT EVIL weaves a MODERN MYSTERY.

[Immediate shot of a female batarian with green eyes. Across from her is a pale elcor in red robes and massive amounts of eyeshadow.]

Female batarian: “What’s going on here? Is it some kind of -”

Elcor: “Ominously: Magic. Even More Ominously: The darkest magic.”

[There’s a scene where the elcor is holding up his … forelimbs, you guess, levitating two women - one a female batarian, the other a devilish asari - using powerful magic. Not biotics. No, magic. Suddenly, a bunch of batarians in green sashes are menacing a bunch of batarians in yellow sashes.]

VO: They call it “OMEGA MINOR.”

[A volus looks off at the camera, completely drunk off his ass.]

Volus: “Finally, we shall bring order out of chaos!”

[Back in the street, a batarian starts shooting at the camera with a pair of gold-plated carnifexes and Rampant Kung-Fu Action happens behind him. Suddenly, three DEVILISH KROGAN appear in notched batarian tile hats and begin throwing knives, tossing fireballs, breathing water and vomiting rocks at the group, killing everybody in a massive display of special effects that are a few years out of date.]

VO: It’s where A LOT OF PROBLEMS were waiting for Goronak Vashrabbi.

[Shot of Goronak Vashrabbi standing off against one of the DEVILISH KROGAN.]
Devilish Krogan: “Who arra yew?”

Goronak: “GORONAK VASHRABBI! ME!”

Asari: “Goronak?”

Nameless Turian: “Goronak!”

Female Batarian: “Goronak!”

Evil Elcor Sorcerer: “Menacingly: Goronak.”

[The voice over continues as Goronak crawls through a sewer with a monoknife in his teeth, then attacks a giant krogan in a suit …]

VO: They told him to go to the seven hellish pits of endless torment and misunderstanding...

Goronak: “You make one move...”

[The krogan suddenly throws him onto a hoverloader that flies down a set of stairs, and Goronak is heading straight for a hole at the end. Above the hole is a sign that says ‘thresher maw disposal unit’]

VO: … And that’s just where he’s going.

[Shot of Goronak yelling at someone, his trademark lip curl turning all the ladies in the audience to cream cheese.]

Goronak: “I just want sometarian to tell me what the hell is going on!!”

[Suddenly, we see one of the DEVILISH KROGAN summoning up spinning eezo-covered blades while screaming. The krogan fades, but the words A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN OMEGA MINOR flash onto the screen, pulsating like a bad migraine.]

VO: A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN OMEGA MINOR. COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.

... okay, I know I've seen that movie before. I just can't... remember where.

Wait, that actor playing Vashrabbi. I think I recognize him, That is Ikeva Nab'Horon, the man who played Yatak Teival in The Red Note, he won the Varakh Award for his performance.

What in the Pillars is an actor of his caliber doing attaching his name to this garbage?!

While it's almost certainly a ripoff of something, I'm still going to watch this when it comes out.