[Alliance] Unknown Vessels Deliver Surprise "Attack" on Colony

Unknown Vessels Deliver Surprise “Attack” on Colony

Late yesterday, just as the human holiday of 'Christmas' began on the colony of New Hyderabad, the entire capital was nearly evacuated as sensors at the systems edge reported an incoming pirate raid. The attacking force consisted of two Mameluke-Class Cruisers and a Xaphin-Class freighter, and with no allied ships within half a dozen light years things looked bleak for the inhabitants of the colony. Raid alarms were sounded and the citizens ran for fallout shelters that were only half-finished when the ships dropped their 'payload'.

Stated New Hyderabad native Layla Haq, "one minute I was running for the fallout shelter on Lodi and Eighth, it was half-finished, but I thought it was my only hope. The next, I heard the ships entering orbit and realized that I wasn't going to make it.”

Several colonists reported seeing the invading forces dropping cluster munitions and panicking before discovering the contents of the aforementioned payloads – that is, multiple foil-wrapped packages of Telka’ Delights Dextro Chocolate Bars.

Said another colonist, “I didn't realize it was some sort of [expletive] Christmas present until, you know, when two Christian dudes I knew started joking about it."

Still others saw the rain not as a confusing, slightly mean prank, but an opportunity. Citing the colony’s inability to consume the products due to chirality issues, Ravana Gupta now intends to resell the payload to nearby turian colonies at a premium.

“With a rain like this, well, we're suddenly a pretty big chocolate supplier, right?” stated Gupta to one press reporter. “Huge economic development, right here."

Telka's Delights Inc. has denied involvement with the stunt, but has otherwise declined to comment.

Ha, that's crazy! It made me smile, but I hope no kid ate one by accident.

Too bad both my boys are lactose-intolerant, they would've liked some of these

Though in all seriousness, one has to wonder who these giftgivers were and what they were intending. Seems a bit odd to be sending dextro goods to a levo settlement.

Well, it's either some bit of good will gone wrong or a prank by someone with plenty of credits. Either way, I guess some Turians are about to get some nice treats in the near future.

Right... Dextro chocolate sent to a levo colony. I think someone got their shipments mixed up.

This one also has to wonder if this was some form of relief that went awry.

...I take it none of you have given more than a few moments thought to the implications of this then.

Considering that two of the three vessels that entered the atmosphere above New Hyderabad were Mamelukes, I seriously doubt that this was a delivery gone awry or a simple prank.

Meanwhile, atleast four separate sweet stores across the galaxy blow up in unrelated and delicious accidents.

I feel it's an important lesson about dental hygiene. Kids, chocolate with carpet bomb your molars. Eat an apple.

Are you assuming this is a message of some kind to the colony, a warning perhaps? If so, dextro chocolate would be a rather odd way of expressing it.

"This chocolate that you cannot eat is but a harbinger of your impending DOOM."

Yeah, doesn't really roll of the tongue.

Less a warning and more a...demonstration would be my guess.

Mamelukes are purpose built raiders capable of eviscerating larger, slower capital ships. They can outfight a good portion of the craft in their weight class and what they can't take in straight up combat they sure as hell can outfly. Sending two of these, plus a Xaphin (which can be and commonly are retrofitted into a budget assault frigates by pirates and the like) to a colony with nothing but a RRP half a dozen light years away is akin to using a shotgun to kill a gnat. The New Hyderabad would have been in ruins if they had used actual weapons.

As it is whoever ordered the chocolate basically did the equivalent of me walking into your house and holding a gun to your head, then saying "bang" and walking out.


"We could have killed you all if we wanted but we didn't so now we're just making fun of the holes in your colonial defense policy" was too wordy and "imma in ur colony lol" sounded too juvenile.

Ok, much less fun then...

Hilariously expensive dick-waving, got it. I mean, come on, doing that must have cost a small fortune.

It's enough chocolate to carpet bomb a decently sized colony, I can't imagine anybody doing something so ludicrously flashy if they didn't have money to burn.

Doesn't mean it's still hilariously expensive to everyone who doesn't have a stupidly large amount of money to burn.

It could be that someone has an opinion on current SA defense policy... it is optimized for attacks by state factors, not for pirate raids. Is that what you're getting at?

Well, with galaxy in shape as it is, I'd say that pirates are larger threat than anything else now, so...

I'll agree with that. Pirates are getting crazy these days. You can't have a drink anywhere on Omega without hearing some bastard bragging about a haul or something. That's not hyperbole, either; I've been out every night this week, and every night some group of pirates was there, telling anyone who'd listen about the giant eezo whatever they just "liberated."

Hey! Hey weird assholes with too much time and money! Come drop a couple of platoons' worth of chocolate on fuckin' Tuchanka, give it to someone who can actually eat the fuckin' stuff without shitting their guts out.

Fuck it, some people have all the luck, you know?

Man, the SA Navy's defensive forces need to step up their game.