CDN on the Normandy

In this elseworld we imagine what would happen if our CDN characters had gotten a spot on the Normandy. You can play your character, past ones, multiple ones at the same time, "share" the Normandy of another player, or do a new one, who cares?


When Kar'shan fell, there was almost no battle. The hegemony was so ridden with indoctrinated agents that the Reapers met no opposition. On space however, it was another matter entirely. Slaves4Us, the biggest company of Kar'shan, had agents who foresaw the truth behind the destruction of the Ba'hak relay, and the coming of the reapers. A fleet was assembled, and hundreds of thousands of Batarians escaped with it.

Now this fleet represents a serious military asset, especially since Slaves4Us escaped with crucial information on the Leviathan of Dis. To join the Citadel fleet however, the new Batarian leadership had several demands. Among them, one of their representative would have a permanent place on the Normandy.

Bintar Ranak, the rising star of Slaves4Us, was that man. And Commander Sheppard was not happy about it...


Sheppard : A SLAVER! A freaking slaver on my ship? I killed your kind by dozens on Elyseum, do you know that?

In front of her, Bintar was sporting his usual smile, which was not improving the Commander's mood.

Bintar : Actually miss Sheppard, what you fought were pirates and thugs. I'm from a respectable company, eager to provide you with the best services!

Sheppard : I will NOT use slaves you degenerate!

Bintar shrugged.

Bintar : I think you should use all assets at your disposal Commander, but if you change your mind, I'll be in my quarters!

Sheppard : Yes, I've assigned you Jack's former quarter. I think they're too comfortable as they are, so I had Addams lower the temperature there to 10°C. So what can you DO here exactly, except being a liaison?

Bintar : Ho well I'm an accomplished commercial executive, so I can negotiate for you.

Sheppard : Ok... Well it's not that useful but why not... What else? Can you fight?

Bintar : No sir.

Sheppard : Tech abilities? Biotics?

Bintar : Afraid not.

Sheppard : You're not even good looking... You have to be the most useless person here... Leave please.

Bintar : Thanks Commander Sheppard! I won't let you down!


(day 14 of Bintar's presence)

Sheppard : Hey, just checking in because I'm really bored. How's everything going for you.

Bintar (covered in coats and covers) : Great Commander! I think the crew's warming up to me! Garrus didn't spit in my face last week, and James decreased his physical threats! Ho, and Edi let me go the bathrooms now!

Sheppard : She was asked by the maintenance crew, you relieved yourself in front of it!

Bintar : Yes but for my defense, my previous meal was, according to Dr Chakwas, loaded with enough laxative to kill a small varren.

(day 35 of Bintar's presence)

Sheppard : Ranak, I got word that you got us those Terminus armors for half the price! That's actually a nice job! How did you manage it.

Bintar was beaming with pride.

Bintar : Easy sir, Slaves4Us provided fresh stock to the constructor's foundry! But it still took me 38 hours of negociating!

Sheppard : Fresh stock? What stock?

Bintar : Well slaves of course Commander.

Sheppard : Sl... Slaves?? I said NO SLAVES! What is wrong with you?

Bintar : Well you said you wouldn't use slaves. You don't. They do. It's all for the war effort Commander.

Sheppard had murder in her eyes. She just turned back and left.

Sheppard : EDI? I was just in Mr Ranak's quarter. It's a little warm down there. I'm sure he would be more comfortable at 4°C...

Mombasa The Space cop!
"How did I even get here?"
The end.
"I haven't even left Africa before, what am I doing here!"

"Massani."

"Wilde."

Mekan leaned over Tali's shoulder to get a better look at what she was doing.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Tali grumbled in frustration and went on about her business. "Vhy don't you go and find somezing better to do vith your time, Mekan?"

"Well, I've been trying and failing to hack Legion and EDI's firewalls for the last nine hours, so I've kind of given up on that."

Tali just grunted in annoyance again. The batarian was getting on her nerves with his insistence on hanging around the 'tech-savvy' individuals on the ship. That largely consisted of EDI, Legion, Tali, Garrus, Kasumi, and, to an extent, Shepard.

"Want to talk about ships? I own a ship."

"I know. You've told me a thousand times."

"...Am I bothering you?"

"Yes."

"I should go."

-END-

Shepard is sitting in his cabin, flipping through reports of abducted colonies by the Collectors when very anxious Joker pings him.

"Shepard! Juhani and Grunt are fighting down in the cargo hold, you better go down there before they tear a bulkhead out!"

"I'm on it Joker."

He closed the reports and grabbed a pistol just in case with him, heading to the elevator. Those two had been so amiable earlier, why the sudden fight? Hopefully they hadn't killed each other...or in this case, Grunt hadn't killed Juhani at this point when he'd reach them.

The elevator stopped and opened to deck 4, engineering. Shepard saw there was a crowd already standing on the hallway, looking through the windows to the cargo hold where Grunt's tank was. Both Juhani and Grunt rose into view now and then, clearly busy wrestling each other on the floor. Ken and Gabby were staring in horror, Zaeed was mildly amused, Tali didn't dare to look their way. Jack was probably sulking in her hideyhole downstairs. And yeoman Chambers...wash blushing?

Shepard forced his way through the crowd and punched the door to open, marching in.

"Alright what's the meaning of-" the sight was too horrible to allow Shepard finish his line.

They weren't wearing any pants, and looked very pleased about themselves over the fact.

"Damnit John, Why the hell do you always seem to drag me into life-or-death situations?" Michael said, laying on one of the beds in the med bay. His varren, Urz, was sitting beside Michael.

Eve was sitting across from the wounded marine. "I don't see what you're complaining about. All that happened to you was you got shot in the rear."

"Isn't the first time John's caused my ass harm. Back in the Skyllian Blitz, an order he gave me caused me go get shot in the ass."

Wrex marched towards the medbay with determination of a man who had salvation of his species at hand, and concern of a man who was in danger of losing it. Eve hadn't been in the best of health when they picked her up from Sur'Kesh.

Normandy's medbay doors opened with a hiss. Mordin was there, working with the cure no doubt, or doing something at least reminiscent of medical research. Eve was sitting in the back, with a huge blanket draped over her body. She didn't try to show it much, but she was shivering and faint moans did escape her now and then.

Wrex rushed to her side. "Are you alright? Did that hack of a doctor do this to you?"

"No, Wrex. It's just a small fever. Mordin gave me the blanket when I asked him." she replied with a deep sigh. It must have been one hell of a fever to make her tremble like that.

"It's not fever."

Both krogan turned to face the salarian doctor. "I've been monitoring her vital signs all the time. She has elevated temperature, yes, but not from infection. Other indicators suggest the rise is from..." Mordin took a look at the datapad in his hand. "sexual arousal? No no no, doesn't make sense."

This was all Wrex needed to hear. He ripped the blanket away from Eve, revealing no other than Juhani on his knees under it. Wrex stared at him. Juhani stared back. The krogan began to huff and puff, blood rage starting to build up.

"IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!"

"YOU PUNY WHELP, YOU'LL PAY FOR THISSSSSS!"

"Commander." The curt voice of the XO stated as she stood in front of the elevator down. Miranda Lawson's hands were folded behind her back, and it was very clear to Shepard that she would not be allowed to pass until the Cerberus Operative said her piece. "I'm not entirely certain that letting Epsilon onto the ship is the best idea. Whoever...it--" (She stressed this particular word, for it was very clear that even she didn't know who the fugitive was.) "--is, we can't be certain that it will help in our mission."

Shepard listened to Miranda's words quietly, before looking at the operative. "Does Cerberus have any information on Epsilon?" She asked, evading the very clear request for now.

"Only its bounty information, and a list of sightings." Miranda admitted, her face a careful neutral mask. Even her voice didn't betray the irritation she felt at not knowing anything about their newest recruit. "I'll be honest with you, Shepard. I'm not entirely certain that some random fugitive picked up on Omega will have what it takes to fight the Collectors."

The Commander seemed to think over the Operative's words, but then she locked her eyes with the so-called perfect woman's."I'll keep that under advisement, Lawson. But I promised to help Epsilon and I will. Besides, someone who escaped from a krogan battle master might come in handy." With that last word, Shepard turned towards Mordin's Lab and left. Miranda scowled and simply stepped into the elevator, intending on heading to her office.

The ride was slow, and Miranda simply stood there, stewing in her thoughts. She understood that the Illusive Man put Shepard in charge of this mission, but she was the Executive Officer. Cerberus had put plenty of resources into bringing the Spectre back to life, and the least she could do is take that into account.

The doors to the elevator opened, and Miranda prepared to leave. But before she could take a step out, something crashed down from the ceiling onto her, bringing her out of her thoughts. In hindsight, she realized she should've been more aware, or simply looked up, because it would have been obvious where the Fugitive came from.

"I heard about Cerberus' experiments from Jack." A synthesized voice stated flatly. At least EDI put inflections in her tone to seem more organic. Miranda's hand clenched, and a blue glow formed, ready to knock the weight off her. A light prick against her neck made her pause, though. "No better then Genetec, if you ask me." The weight was gone, and her attacker disappeared with a tac cloak. The Cerberus operative stood, and tried to locate where the fugitive went, but she couldn't see anything. She barely managed to compose herself as she marched back to her office, ready to send a detailed report back to her boss.

A few ground missions later, and she would be privately embarrassed to realize that she had been pinned down by a little human girl who looked pretty harmless. It would've stayed quiet too, if Jack hadn't spread the word. She made up her mind that Epsilon would not get the jump on her again.

An excitable young hanar, a nervous elderly salarian, and a shady, depressed elcor stood at attention aboard the Normandy.

Commander Shepard stood before them.

"You know why you've been brought here - why, in the hour of greatest need, I have called upon you three".

The salarian raised his hand.

"Because we're literally the only other people left in the galaxy".

Shepard nodded. "Correct. Everyone else is dead, or indoctrinated. Xuumo-kalashasi, I looked for you earlier but you weren't to be found".

The elcor shifted on his massive paws. "Elusive: I had business to attend to; old debts that I felt I had to repay. I have a long memory, Commander, and my old vows had to come first. Unapologetic: The population of the galaxy may be indoctrinated or dead, but it is a small price to pay for the sake of my pride".

Shepard nodded. "Noted. You'll be pleased to hear that Alonso died bravely at the Battle of Tayseri Point".

"Unconvincingly: Tragic".

"We drafted all of the Citadel's children, along with the elderly, the crippled, and a crack team of choriick grubs, and none of them could turn back the Reaper advance. Eventually, that left us with you three and a cardboard cut-out of Daia from her last movie".

The hanar flashed a question. "This one is determined to make the most of the opportunity! It respectfully inquires as to what it must do to ensure the safety of the Many Voices - how shall this one be of assistance?"

"That's a very good question, Laykalar. A very good question indeed".

Laykalar shimmered in contentment and pride.

Shepard saw the salarian had his hand raised again. "Yes, Mister Phraag?"

"Er, can I ask what our chances are? Of coming back from this mission, I mean? Can we, er, really save the galaxy at this point?"

Shepard drew herself up, looking every inch the hero, battered but unbowed.

"I believe in this crew, and I tell you now we are going to kick those Reaper bastards right the way back into Dark Space..."

***

50,000 years later:

"Greetings! If the other is reading this message, these one's plan to save the galaxy has failed in dismal fashion. In order to prepare the races of the other's cycle for what is coming, the respectable Shepard has prepared this failsafe..."

Shaart made a good if not quite invisible crewmember on the Normandy. He was always there when he was needed, and when stealth approaches weren't required, he was nowhere to be found. The raloi had made sure to notice where EDI's 'eyes' were on the ship and stayed clear of them.

This also meant that Shepard never could chat up with him unless Shaart explicitly wanted to do so.

Sebastian had somehow managed to get past C-Sec and, in the ultimate act of defiance against the Alliance, was able to spray paint a large phallus onto the side of the Normandy while it was docked at the Citadel.

Commander Shepard caught him in the act.

Sebastian is not in a nice place now.

"What do you do here on the ship?"

Commander or no commander, Shepard was still meddling with Harris' business which he didn't need happening.

"I'm the sous chef to mess sergeant Gardner. While he's busy scrubbing the toilets, I cook the meals. Or when the crew gets fed up with his chow."

"Really?"

"No."

"Then what do you do on the ship?"

"Nothing you should be concerned with. Don't you have colonies to save, commander? I'm busy."

"You know I could have you thrown out of the airlock for sabotage."

"Without XO Lawson's permission? You wish."

All Harris wanted was to Shepard to go away and dock at whatever pisshole had been chosen as the next destination. Hell, even Omega would pass! He was supposed to just pick up a parcel from ensign Goldberg and get back, but the Normandy departed the Citadel when he was still on. Urgh.