Distress Call (Priority 4025-161)

man, fuck dat, I can provide a shitload’ve ‘em fer free

fer example: shotgun ter da face, shotgun ter da gut, bayonettin’, spearin’, knife stabbin’, knives ter da jugular, cuttin’ yerself down da street (not across), flensin’, DIY neuterin’, knives ter da eyes, knives ter da back’a da mouth, spleen-stabbin’, pistol ter da face, pistol ter da chest, pistol ter da gut, pistol filled wit’ depleted uranium slugs, shovin’ thumbs in yer eyes, self-pulverizin (usually works better if ya letcher nails grow out an’ shit), hangin’ wit’ rope, hangin’ wit’ power cables, hangin’ with bowties, hangin’ wit’ neckties, auterrotic ‘phyxillation, doin’ a Double Eightball, doin’ a Triple Phobia Minus One, drinkin’ benzene, drinkin’ chlorine, breathin’ clorine, sluggin’ an eighth’ve ryncol (dat’ll preserve ya real good, yup), spillin’ hyderfluoric acid, stickin’ yer head in an engine outlet, stickin’ yer finger in a power socket, terpanation, shovin’ yer omnitool ter yer head and pushin’ da battle-tool button, ventin’ da air, ventin’ da power, leapin outta an airlock, turnin’ off dampeners an’ goin’ FTL, aimin’ like shit ‘troo a relay, jumpin’ ‘troo Omega Four, showin’ up at a blink funeral wearin’ a TIM shirt, slappin’ a krogan, tellin’ a hierarchy buttfucker yer from solregit, tellin’ a solregit yer a hierarchy buttfucker, beatin’, stabbin’, flyin’ inter a sun, openin’ yer helmet on irune, openin yer helmet in space, openin yer helmet on a gas planet, orbitin’ a pulsar, goin’ ter an all-you-can-eat palavese buffet, settin’ off a bomb, startin’ a fire, punchin’ a vorcha in da teef, bein’ hit by a flyin’ volus, getting’ yer legs stuck in a vice when a bluetit lifts you, crackin’ “your mom” jokes at a salamander, eatin’ plants from tuchanka, takin’ a bath in bacon an’ kissin’ a yahg, DIY spayin’, DIY bullet retrieval, DIY toxscreens, midair collisions…

Oh, we remember Cerberus. Just wish I'd been there when the Alliance put you fucks down.

I mean, I'm sure the Alliance investigative service or CSec would be pleased to fill you in.

I like to call it a self-preservation instinct that didn't somehow atrophy.

He fed the Citadel to the Reapers, mostly. Does that count? I think it counts.

Not really. Oh, by the way, both of you?

Kill yourselves.

My, my, Mr. Spiza. It would appear we share a similar mindset.

Indeed I was.

(Did you expect some puerile self-aggrandisement? Not everyone could be integrated, after all)

The day I set foot on the Citadel again would be a dark day indeed. Besides, why so angry, First Sergeant? Did you send your family to Sanctuary, perhaps?

...given everything I've been able to find online, I'm starting to wonder if you're not right. Mind if I ask when you... defected?

Well, at least that explains why it's orbiting the homeworld. Thank you for your help, Songbird.

You kidding?


It'd be a service to us all.

Kill yourself

Eh, around the beginning of the war.

Amnesty or cyanide capsules wasn't the hardest decision I've had to make, let me tell you.

This site really needs to say somewhere nice and obvious that it is NOT pro-cerberus. Then maybe things like this wouldn't happen.

You know, people like you aren't helpful for Humanity, Ms. Mirice. You're one of our biggest problems.

WHOA

An actual Cerberus among my friends at Cerberus

I have a most premium inquisition for you, my species-supremacist sonidera, and I am not talking the middle-aged kind. There is a hell of complicated machine in the basement of my most premium nightclub's Nos Eidolo branch, which we discovered pursuant to our move-in day, with a logo emblazoned upon it fifteen times and an access code Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta.

Is it a drink mixer? Because that is the employment we have been giving it.

Look pal, just turn yourself in okay? You might get some slight mercies from C-Space, if you go to the politicians first. Maybe.

You know what I thought was missing from the news lately? More terrorist bombings. Good on you for returning before Tuchanka's riff-raff can claim all the glory, Cerberus.

Ah, I see. I... I guess I can't blame you, not for that (although personally I'd prefer the cyanide to banking, especially on Illium. My condolences). Thank you for the information again, and sorry for prying.

Oh, but it was, Ms. Lombardi, it's just that the other operatives here appear to have either died or defected.

...have you looked outside your window lately? Geth and krogan running rampant, the rachni lurking behind their Relay, the salarians' shadow war, and suddenly a handful of scientists are 'one of our biggest problems'?

...what are you?

Hah. You know nothing of your precious Alliance if you think I'd ever choose their 'mercy' willingly.

I know, right? If only we had a bunch of literally reapified crack troops fighting a war with the Alliance and trying to take over the heart of galactic civilization - then all our problems would be solved!

kill yourself

Right in one, you deluded cunt. See, thanks to effort of supposedly educated people like yerself, our species had a dagger at our back while Earth herself burned. You stuck the technology of our greatest enemy in the brains of our own people, and hampered us at every turn while the Alliance, the true representatives of humanity, actually did something beyond mutilating their own people in sick experiments.

And you turned my friends into monsters, and took my home from me, all with unholy abuse of science you and your kind wrought. Even if all the aliens that have your cheap knickers in a twist over decide to fight us, at least they won't betray their own race in the process you stupid, stupid, woman.

Welcome

I am shocked, shocked to see how low our supervilains have fallen. Lightbulbs? That's how Cerberus is supposed to be ominous and scary? Fraking 22nd century light bulbs? Is that a joke? Where are the skeletons with magic swords, the black outfits? This is outrageous.


I'm pretty sure everyone and their cousin who even set foot on Horizon got integrated. You must really, really suck at what you do.

Also

A handful of scientists? That's a nice joke, I haven't heard that one before.

Your "handful of scientists" killed people of every race, even Humans. Cerberus did nothing but add to the burdens of a galaxy at war, of course you were one of our biggest problems.
On a less important note, it's not exactly like you're helping out Humanity. If the other races based all of their opinions of us off Cerberus then we'd be hated by everybody. And if we all acted like cerberus agents then I wouldn't blame them.

I'm sorry for being rude but... never mind. I'm not sorry at all.