THE SHORT HOUR S1E5: Lesson Learned

Man, I wish I had a kickball as a pet. Having one of the little fuckers running around and knocking people over sounds much more fun than the stupid shit vorcha do.

Could also manage my credits. Heh.

You too? I think I sold him a few of my expired, rejection free baboon hearts. Bought them at double the normal price too, never knew what for. The more you know I guess.

[VO] “Last time on Staff Swap…”

[Repeated footage of Dwick wrestling a carnivorous plant and splitting it in half with a meat cleaver.]

[VO] “…our replacement crew was just finishing the first dish for Ms. Harnestine Jaboci. Now, as the salad is sent to the freezer to prevent…regeneration, our crew contemplates the main dish.”

[DWICK] [Confession Cam] ”Now like I was sayin’ before, Jorgal Thik’s Drizzled Deathkiboj is just da firs’ part’a da ensemble. You use dat [REDACTED] as a, oh, whatsit called…aw yeah, da palette detergent for da main dish – which is deep-fried Tuchankan big-mouthed fangfish.”

[Cue a shot of an ugly-looking fish with more teeth and tusk than face, swimming angrily around a large aquarium on the kitchen’s side. Clouds of blood drift in the water; evidently there was something else in here earlier, but it’s definitely gone now.

Dwick steps up next to it, a cruel-looking knife in his hands.]

[DWICK] “Now o’course, we could’a jus’ had some fangfish meat shipped over, but enny cook worth ‘is salt can tell you – da fresher, da better. Dat goes double fer da fangfish.”

[He slams a hand down on the tank’s lid and glances at the sous chef.]

[DWICK] “Awright, onna count’a three, you open dat big-ass frier an’ stand back, got it?”

[The salarian blanches, if possible, even further, but grabs the top panel of an industrial-sized frier. He mouths to the camera very clearly: “HELP ME.”]

[DWICK] “RIGHT! One…two…”

[The fangfish doesn’t wait for “three.” It slams upward, smashing the lid of the aquarium to pieces, and clamps down hard on Dwick’s massive forearm. Dwick howls, blood sprays, and he lifts the massive fish straight out of the tank and smashes it against a wall.]

[VO] “That’s when the bad news arrived.”

[Terrorbyte runs into the kitchen, waving a datapad in his stubby little hands.]

[TERRORBYTE] “Dwick! Dwick! You monumental c[REDACTED]-guzzling [REDACTED]tard *hsssk* We’re out of--”

[He stares, speechless, as Dwick continues to howl, stabbing the fish in the gills with his knife. The fish thrashes around, wrenching the knife out of his hands and sending it flying, and fins the krogan in the neck before he smashes its head into the wall again.

Focus on Terrorbyte as he quietly edges out of the room. The VO continues, unaware of his silence, with the continued fish fight in the background.]

[VO] “This is very true. Next to the meat itself, the most important ingredient of a fangfish fry is the breading. Traditional human, asari and salarian breads won’t work, you see, as fangfish secrete a dangerous toxin during the frying process that must be neutralized before serving. Without the proper breading, the only other substitute is—”

[With another battle cry, Dwick rears back and charges forward. Carrying the still-fighting fish along with him, he grabs the side of the deep-frier and plunges the fish, arm and all, into the boiling oil.

Cut to Harnestine, who is being presented with a glass of Suvinad 1829 as a little light French music plays in the background. As her volus waiter pours the wine, both of them do a double-take as a very faint, but very long howl of pain comes from the kitchen. The volus glances at the camera, then clears his throat quietly.]

[VOLUS] “My apologies, Ms. Harnestine. *hsssk* Our ovens are…*hssk* a bit rusty.”

[VO] “…Krogan fat.”

[Cut to the volus at the Confession Cam.]

[VOLUS] “I have never been more thankful for this facemask.”

Ooh, those ones are rare.

Regenerating Vine Stragglers are only found in certain valleys. They're good for a long lasting food supply. You just cut off a piece and it'll grow back in like, 6 hours, max. You gotta be careful though, they get aggressive when you make them regen like that.

Krogan Cuisine is beginning to fascinate me. Am I correct in hoping that one you cook whatever it is you're going to eat, it ceases to be be dangerous - or, at least, no longer capable of assault?

If this is how krogan prepare a fish fry, I'm not sure I'd want to know their method for making ceviche.

It involves full body armor and a Tomkah's drivetrain.

food ain't worth a shit unless it is still wriggling.

[Enchanting music plays as the camera opens up on a pristine hospital on the Presidium, shining white as alabaster in the simulated sun. Numerous sky-ambulances hover around, and several patients and doctors mill about in the verdant courtyard as if they don’t have a care in the world. It’s very peaceful, serene, and most importantly, FANCY. ]

[NARRATOR] “And now, time for another episode of...PRESIDIUM HOSPITAL.”

[The interior of a surgery theater fades into view. An extremely attractive turian doctor - perhaps too attractive, and the evidence of plastic surgery dots his perfectly chiseled face - is preparing himself for surgery. A patient is wheeled in by a quarian nurse of all things; a quarian nurse in a nurse’s outfit. Which is over her envirosuit.]

[TURIAN] “Hello, Nurse Juri, who are we operating on today?”

[NURSE JULI] “It seems to be a heart transplant, Doctor Travinex.”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “I see. Well. Let’s hope his new heart works when he wakes up. He’ll need it.”

[NURSE JULI] “Oh? Why’s that? … doctor?”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “Because if the first thing he sees when he wakes up is you, there’s a good chance his heart will break.”

[There’s a swell of romantic music and, in a fit of passion, the turian doctor grabs nurse Juli in his arms and starts kissing her passionately. On the faceplate. Despite the absurdity of this situation, Nurse Juli reciprocates, making the surgery theater a very unprofessional work environment. Still, after a very passionate face-rubbing scene, nurse Juli pulls away, shamefaced behind her helmet.]

[NURSE JULI] “No, doctor, we mustn’t!!”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “Why not? I already know about you and your secret past, Juli. Yes. I know that it was you selling those organs to the black market to pay for medical school, and I don’t care. I love you, Juli. More than anything in the world!”

[NURSE JULI] “But doctor! Your wife!”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “Don’t worry about my wife, Nurse Juli. You see, my wife will soon... have a fatal case of amnesia.”

[NURSE JULI] “You monster! You terrible, wonderful, handsome monster!”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “If it’s monstrous to do what you must in order to be with the one you love, then a monster I am! Come with me, Juli, to my monster mansion, where we can be monstrous together!”

[Suddenly, the body on the table clutches his chest!]

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “Oh no! A fatal heart attack! Quick, Juli, get me the knife and the replacement heart!”

[NURSE JULI] “Of course, doctor!”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “HOLD! ON! JUST! HOLD! ON! YOU BASTARD!”

[Travinex starts pounding on the poor actor’s chest; the ‘patient’ grits his teeth in pain and gives Travinex several aggressive looks, but remains on the table, clearly wishing to keep ahold of his SAG card. Eventually, Travinex stops. He cries out in anguish, weeping openly.]

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “WHY! WHY COULDN’T I SAVE HIM! WHY! DAMN YOU, INFALLIBLE TURIAN GOD, DAMN YOU! WHY CAN’T I SAVE THESE PEOPLE! WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYY!”

[Nurse Juli comes back in, empty-handed. Travinex rails on her, angry as hell.]

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “You! You weren’t fast enough! You let this man die! I’m disgusted with you! You... MONSTER!”

[NURSE JULI] “Sir, the heart’s missing! I think someone stole it!”

[DOCTOR TRAVINEX] “What? Who could do such a thing?”

[NURSE JULI] “Doctor, I think it was... YOUR WIFE!”

[Musical sting. The words “TO BE CONTINUED?” crawl along the screen, followed by the DDS tag.]

What the hell is this

romantic comedy/soap opera?

Pain in visual form.

If this is the quality of medical care on the Citadel, I am relieved to know I am not able to seek it with my current funds. I would not expect the physicians be able to care for me beyond basic bandaging or bone setting, given my uniqueness.

That was very nearly as medically inaccurate as that bizarre advertisement earlier (everyone who's got through preliminary school knows you can't transplant an outdocrine system).

Efficient, though, got to give it that. Nos Astra General can take forty-five minutes to get through that much storyline, if that's the right word.

COMING THIS FALL ON DDS

My face is stuck like this.

Attn: Marketing Department
Dwick Dwickcast Syndykyt
1 Dwickcast Tower, Floor 69
Nos Astra, ILLIUM

To Whom it May Concern:



Sincerely,

Emon Spiza

Jesus H. Christ, I never knew the volleyballs could write decent HV - this is comedy gold.

Ceviche? Man, that takes me back. Like my mama always said, ceviche is the food of God and Peruvians.

...my dad's saying was 'shut up and eat your borscht', so eye dee kay. It takes all sorts, right?

For shit's sake. I thought the soap operas my ex-wife used to watch were bad. Presidium Hospital takes the cake by far.

Man, between that show, and all the other crazy stuff you see in the span of a few minutes on this network...

All I know is, if DDS tries to make a cop show, it'll probably make me tear my fringe off. Maybe my mandibles too.

Careful sir, you just might give them ideas.

But honestly, how did the wife get in and steal the heart though without anyone noticing? Tactical cloak perhaps? Maybe the nurse is secretly working with the wife and kissed the doctor as distraction so she could steal the heart...

... Why am I thinking about it this hard?