[Prophet Vlog Post] Look at my junk.

Man, I just realized that you could totally star in a remake of 'I Can't Find my Fucking Legs, Goronak'. Or, you know, next season.

Whatever.

[Wash’s head jerks up as Mekan’s flailing grows more erratic. Another flare and a deliberately-weak biotic Pull later, there is one batarian unceremoniously dumped on the ground. Mekan is totally covered in clicking, crawling bugs about eight inches long and four inches across, and from the looks of it, they’re latched on, biting his arms and chest. Several more pour from the vents and begin to eerily crawl and click away into the alley, hiding behind a variety of detritus. The ‘spiders’ vaguely resemble big, pissed off cockroaches with eight legs and fangs. Mekan’s first instinct appears to be to activate his omnitool’s incineration function, burning several of the bugs on the ground. Then again, he’s also flailing about and trying to remove the rest of them from his person by hand. The little buggers seem fairly determined to stay put.]

[MEKAN] ”GET THEM OFF OUCH FUCK SHIT THESE THINGS BITE!”

[Wash just calmly walks over and starts crushing bugs by stepping on them with his armored boots, briefly humming a merry tune as he does so. It’s hard to tell with the armor, but he certainly seems more composed about all this than Mekan.]

[WASH] ”Oh, calm down, it’s not like it’s the swarmers again!”

[MEKAN] ”IT’S EXACTLY LIKE THE SWARMERS AGAIN! THAT WAS YOUR FAULT TOO!”

[WASH] ”I don’t see husked rachni with cannons bolted to them, do you?”

[MEKAN] ”JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP! AGH, FUCK THIS!”

[Apparently frustrated at his inability to get at one of the bugs on his back, Mekan turns, hobbles over to a closed dumpster with as much haste as he can muster with his lack of real mobility, and starts trying to climb on top of it, teeth gritted in an expression of pure determination even as the spider merrily savages his back. Wash glances over just in time to notice this, and starts walking over, arm outstretched to get the bug off.]

[WASH] ”Hey, hold still, I’ll get the damn-”

[His back turned to the biotic, Mekan stands atop the dumpster and with as much force as he can muster, throws himself backwards. Onto the ground.]

[MEKAN] ”BATARIAN BODYSLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”

[There’s a brief noise in Mekan’s short flight between the dumpster and the ground that sounds like the spider equivalent of going ‘oh shit.’ This is followed by a squishy ‘CRUNCH’ as he lands directly in front of the armored human. Wash is gesturing incredulously in disbelief, his unsaid ‘but’s and ‘why’s clearly evident even with the hardsuit. Finally, he finds his voice again. Several other spiders can be seen scurrying into the darkness of the alleyway and finding cover.]

[WASH] ”...Why?”

[Without missing a beat, Mekan’s head turns to face Wash and his eyes all lock onto him with RAGE, nostrils flaring and teeth bared as he struggles to stand, his legs now emitting the ‘ZZTZZTZZT’ associated with their impending failure.]

[MEKAN] ”JUST GET ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. THOSE FUCKERS ARE PROBABLY POISONOUS OR SOME SHIT. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU FIX IT.”

Why is he announcing his bodyslam

Blinks gonna blink.

Dammit did you seriously just bodyslam a space spider. Why. Why are you doing this.

Mekan... what are you doing? I realize things've been less than ideal th' past couple'a years but a slow suicide-by-obscure-extranet-show seems a mite excessive.

It won't be obscure for long if he keeps going the route of "terrible and kinda funny shit keeps happening to this batarian"

[WASH] ”I just want to remind you that you said you would never get into a car with me driving again.”

[MEKAN] ”Extenuating circumstances! Just like last time! Where’s your car?”

[Mekan finally manages to get onto his feet, his legs protesting with a persistent ‘ZZTZZTZZT’ the whole time.]

[WASH] ”...Well. The Citadel.”

[Mekan raises a hand to cover his face in frustration. He makes an odd, guttural noise in his throat that could be construed as a growl and looks at Wash through his fingers.]

[MEKAN] ”Are you fucking serious.”

[WASH] ”I don’t suppose you know any generous car owners?”

[MEKAN] ”None in particular.”

[At that, Mekan turns his head to look out at the street at the alleyway’s opening. The car alarms have been going on this entire time without interruption, and Mekan seems to get an idea, judging from the look in his eyes. He looks at Wash, as if to check and see if he’s thinking the same thing.]

[WASH] ”Oh no. We are not...”

[Mekan doesn’t even wait for Wash to finish his sentence before he runs for the opening to the alleyway and makes for a specific aircar, jogging (not easy in his condition, especially with the shoddiness of his bionics) past two others out in the street that look to be in more serviceable condition after his errant grenade blast. It’s got an ugly, orange/yellow striped paint scheme, and what looks like a shattered bubble-canopy design windshield that got broken in certain places by the shrapnel. The exterior is pockmarked by bits of shrapnel and dents. The alarms seem to get louder as the camera-drone follows Mekan out into the street.]

[MEKAN] ”Here, this one.”

[WASH] ”Why?”

[MEKAN] ”It works, just get in. No time to argue.”

[Mekan brings up his omnitool’s user-interface and starts running a hacking program; in a moment, the car alarm shuts off and the doors open. Mekan slides into the passenger seat and immediately starts buckling in. Wash throws his arms up in the air in exasperation as he walks over and climbs into the driver’s seat. The camera-drone hovers into the backseat of the car quietly.]

[WASH] ”Only because you’d probably pass out and crash if you drove it.”

[MEKAN] ”Thought you’d see it my way.”

[Offscreen, a certain salarian can be heard shouting over the other cars' alarms. The camera-drone pans over and up several floors; one of the windows in Mekan’s apartment building is open, with Blink the Salarian leaning out, and he looks pissed.]

[BLINK] ”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, BLINK?!”

[MEKAN] ”Borrowing your car for a little while, Blink! You’ll get it back if I feel generous!”

[BLINK] ”TO SHRELL WITH THAT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!”

[MEKAN] ”Nah!”

[Mekan's clearly enjoying this a little too much. Blink visibly twitches at the revelation that Mekan is both trolling him and refusing to get out of his car, the lights in his compound-bionic eye flickering on and off.]

[BLINK] ”MAN, FUCK YOU, BLINK!”

[WASH] ”You’re not his type! He prefers redheads!”

[Mekan shoots Wash a dirty look. Blink, meanwhile, shifts his attention to Wash, totally dumbfounded at the human’s involvement here. His voice growing hoarse, he starts shouting again.]

[BLINK] ”WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

[WASH] ”The man who’s going to get you your car back once this moron’s not dying of spider bites!”

[Blink begins cursing loudly, leaves the window for a second, and comes back loading what looks like a Katana shotgun. He’s doing it clumsily, too, implying he’s not very good with it.]

[MEKAN] "Y'know what? I don't have time for this."

[BLINK] ”LAST CHANCE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY CAR!”

[Meanwhile, Mekan leans over in his seat slightly, calmly opening the glovebox compartment as Blink’s shouting at him and Wash. He pulls out what looks like a loaded M3 Predator pistol (apparently knowing where Blink kept his handgun well in advance of this situation), flicks off the safety and rolls down his window. Before Wash can stop him, he raises the Predator, and pops three quick and surprisingly-accurate shots into the glass of Blink’s open apartment window. The window shatters and Blink immediately cries out in surprise and ducks for cover. Mekan then dismissively tosses the gun out the window.]

[BLINK] ”WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!”

[MEKAN] ”Step on it, before the frog finds his balls.”

[i][Wash just stares at Mekan in a dumbfounded fashion for a brief moment before the car takes off and flies away from the apartment building, into Omega's sky-lanes.]

Well, I hope you enjoyed living there and don't have anything to move out, because you're never living there again.

It's really cathartic knowing this is happening to someone else for a change.

Oooohohoho yes. I'm thinking if Mr. Mechan goes back to 'his' apartment anytime soon, he's going to be on the receiving end of that shotgun. You don't steal your neighbor's car or shoot at him guys! Even if you are dying of potentially fatal spider bites!

It's just bad manners

[The car flies along in Omega’s sky-lanes, passing by the large, towering spires one associates with Omega’s urban-sprawl layout, with Mekan and Wash maintaining an awkward silence. Mekan closes the glovebox compartment and rolls up his window. Wash turns his helmeted head over for a split-second to look at the batarian, before looking back at the sky-lane. This silence continues for seven straight minutes before Wash and Mekan break it.]

[WASH] ”How the bloody fucking bastard hell did you know where his gun was?!”

[MEKAN] ”Omega 101! Everyone keeps one in the glovebox! Common fucking sense!”

[WASH] ”Did you need to shoot at him?!”

[MEKAN] ”Dude had a shotgun! What do you want me to say?!”

[WASH] ”He had a shotgun because we were stealing his car!

[MEKAN] ”If you’d just taken off, we wouldn’t have had to go through that and I wouldn’t have had to shoot at him! Besides, we had to borrow someone’s! I’m kinda dying from giant-ass spider bites, so a little bit of urgency is required here! Might as well be the one guy who’s always an asshole in that entire buildin-”

[The footage immediately goes into Fast-Forward. [THIS GOES ON FOR A WHILE] flashes across the screen several times, and most noise is sped up to that point where it becomes indistinct and ‘squeaky.’ The fast-forwarded footage goes on for nineteen minutes straight. All through this time, Mekan and Wash can be seen arguing, making gestures (rude and otherwise) at each-other. At one point Mekan rolls down and leans out the window for some reason the camera can’t see, due to the passenger seat blocking the camera’s line of sight. When he rolls his window back up and looks to Wash, the footage enters normal speed again.]

[MEKAN] ”-it.”

[WASH] ”Good, now you won’t puke on me...”

[MEKAN] ”Look, I get carsick, alright? I’m sorry for the close call, but I took care of it, I said.”

[WASH] ”You know, you don’t seem very poisoned to me.”

[MEKAN] ”Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll kick in soon enough. Or maybe the bite causes necrosis or some shit.”

[WASH] ”Why do I suddenly feel like this was probably a huge waste of time...”

[Wash sets the aircar down in front of what a big glaring neon sign proclaims to be a ‘CLINIC.’ It’s a small, two story structure that’s more than a little run-down from the look of it on the outside, but no moreso than most Omegan clinics, with several LOKI Mechs standing guard out in front. Mekan opens the passenger-side door and slowly gets out, stopping to steady himself on the car door. The camera-drone exits the car as well and hovers along to follow Mekan. Wash notably stays put and leans back in the driver’s seat as Mekan starts heading inside. Mekan pauses to look at him quizzically for a second.]

[WASH] ”Someone has to watch the car. 'Sides, you're a big boy. You can go to the big scary doctor without me holding your hand.”

[MEKAN] ”Mneh mneh mneh. Fine, watch the car. I’ll be right back.”

[WASH] ”Try not to piss anyone else off!”

[MEKAN] ”Pretty sure I’ve already pissed off my landlady! That’s the point of no return as it is!”

[Mekan turns to limp into the clinic once more, the camera zooming in on his back as he heads inside. The damage to his back actually looks serious, as its practically coated in blood and bite marks; his shirt's soaked almost all the way through and will probably need to be cut off to get at the injuries. It’s probably a good move that he came to a clinic, even if the spider bites weren’t poisonous.]