DWICKCAST EP. 404: D.W.I.C.K. NOT FOUND

In light of this incident, please consult the Geth Consensus for future work related to artificial intelligences. Malfunctioning and rogue intelligences are prone to damage fragile organic-synthetic relations and/or injure their creators.

If this person really created an A.I., the galaxy is doomed.

wahahahaa.

naw, he didn't, he's too dumb for that. but the roboman givin' DWICK tips is just fuckin hilarious!

[The scene opens inside of Terrorbyte’s office, with the front door of his office caving in from a security droid’s massive punch. The droid is all impact plastic and hydraulic muscle; a real powerhouse whose upper body is so overtly proportioned that it looks like a cross between a gorilla and an elcor. The thing’s head has been replaced with a holoscreen, however, and a 3d hololight representation of D.W.I.C.K. floats in the air - a simplistic caricature of the real Dwick that flickers between “leering” and “cackling” expressions with every second and a half.

Terrorbyte just looks at the mech.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Of course.

[With that, the squad volus leaps into action, clearly moving faster and more efficiently than his bulk will allow. The words “DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT” flash on the bottom of the screen as Terrorbyte vaults towards the droid and starts hitting it with well-timed martial arts punches and kicks, only to be thrown over the couch as the droid pistons his fist straight into the volus’ solar plexus. Time seems to slow down as Terrorbyte rolls over the couch and into a tall stack of datapads. Within seconds, the droid is on him like butter on a fat man’s roll. The two are trading blows like professionals - again, the words “DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT” fill the bottom of the screen - but it’s clear that the droid is going to be the winner here.

After suplexing the squat volus into his solid quartz desk, the droid picks Terrorbyte up and hurls him towards the windows of his office. The volus flies like a baseball. A simple pin that shows the DDS logo seems to hover in the camera’s eye as Terrorbyte goes through the window in slow-motion, plummeting for the ground.

A single drop of ammonia drips onto the pin.

There’s no escape from this.]

[OFFSCREEN] “HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW--”

[A single violet dot flashes in the background, unleashing a massive lens flare streaking into the camera. The bottom of the screen flashes “STILL TOTALLY A DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT” as Terrorbyte’s head turns in super-slow motion, as the #8040ff dot flashes again and becomes an erratic arc of pure, pulsating energy. As the arc nears, a single figure can be seen within it - a massive, enormous form, crouched in a quavering ball, save for a pair of arms that reach out towards him like some horrifying alien interpretation of the Hand of God.

A second camera feed picks up, catching Terrorbyte’s facemask up close.]

[TERRORBYTE] ”Oh, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--”



EP. 404: D.W.I.C.K NOT FOUND

[The next thing anyone knows, both krogan and volus are plummeting like stones from at least half a kilometer up in the air. Terrorbyte has traded one hopeless situation for another; instead of falling to his death surrounded by a shower of glass, he’s now trapped in Dwick’s arm, thoroughly encased in...well, something best not described for human sanity as they hurtle in an arc that’s steadily curving toward the ground again.

Dwick, meanwhile, is thoroughly enjoying himself; despite this being the second time he’s fallen to his certain doom in under a week, he’s grinning like a madman and laughing so hard that it’s a surprise the volus isn’t deaf.]

[Terrorbyte] ”mmmrmrmfmfmfmrmfmffff*hssssk*mmfmmff”

[DWICK] ”HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAW HAW HAW HAW HAWWWWW!”

[Terrorbyte] ”MFFFFFFFFFFFMMMFMFMMMFMFMFMF*hsssk*MMMMMFMFMF!!!”

[Dwick looks down (at least as far as his chins will alow) and glances at his payload.]

[DWICK] “Oh. Heh.”

[He drags the volus’ head out of his chest with a thrust of his arm.]

[Terrorbyte] ”mmmrmrmOH THANK VOLUS JESUS I CAN *hssssk* BREATHE”

[Dwick grins.]

[DWICK] “...Hi.”

[Terrorbyte] ”WHY ARE *hsssssk* WE FALLING”

[DWICK] ”Ohhhh, just wanted ter talk. Don’ worry, we got like fifteen seconds ‘fore we hit ground.

[He leans in, crowding the volus as they whistle through the air.]

[DWICK] ”Now, about my Synderkyt.”

[Terrorbyte] ”I ALREADY SAID IT’S *hsssssk* YOURS YOU DUMBASS JUST STOP US FROM FALLING OR *hssssk*--”

[DWICK] ”Oh, I know. I jus’ need you ter sign dis.”

[The words DRAMATIC REENEACTMENT continue to flash, just in case anyone’s wondering how they have enough time to hash out a legal transaction in midair. In any case, a datapad somehow finds its way into Terrorbyte’s fingers.]

[Terrorbyte] ”FINE, FINE, LET ME SIGN IT *hsssssk* GIVE IT HEEEEEERE”

[Terrorbyte’s hands hover briefly over the datapad. In an flash, the thing is scanned, signed, and archived. DDS belongs to Dwick once again. A giant image of D.W.I.C.K. appears on the datapad as soon as it’s signed, though.]

[D.W.I.C.K.] ”Your attempts to stop my reign of humor will fail. You may own the company, but I still control all the assets. You are doomed to slapstick, Dwick. Surrender now, and face oblivion.”

[Close-up of Dwick’s face. If this were an anime, this would be the splash portrait.]

[DWICK] ”Eat a tub’a washers, Chucklenuts.”

[With that, the Tuchankan Terror pivots in the air, sending them hurtling to their doom face-first. As the ground speeds toward them, however, Dwick shoves out a sausage-laden hand, spreads out his palm, and spreads forth another wave of biotic energy.

The bottom of the screen strobes “STILL A DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT” like a goddamned japanese cartoon.

Below them, a turian in the bright white uniform of a DDS employee walks toward One Dwickcast Tower, whistling through his mandibles and he carries a tote bag full of props. As he nears one of the tower’s ludicrously-sized fountains, however, a faint shadow washes over him, and he looks up. Cut to a camera directly above him, as all color drains from his face.]

[TURIAN] ”Oh, spirits.”

[The next image is a shower of blue-colored gore as the krogan translates both his and Terrorbyte’s enormous mass into an even more enormous ball of energy, turning their already-blistering descent into an impact with the strength of a large bomb. The turian doesn’t so much as explode as he is simply erased from existence.

There’s a brief moment of silence, just long enough for the audience to register the fifteen-meter crater that stands before 1 Dwickcast Tower. Then, slowly, it drifts in. The camera hovers over two dazed and somewhat confused masses of flesh sitting in the epicenter, shaking the stars from their heads, completely and utterly awash in various shades of blue. Dwick and Terrorbyte - for, of course, it is they - seem unharmed, but have all the marks of going through a goddamned nuclear explosion.

Underneath them flashes the words “NO IT’S STILL A DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT, PEOPLE.”

Terrorbyte turns to look at Dwick with dazed eyelights.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Goddammit, Dwick, you *hssssk* blue me.”

[Dwick just sniggers. Cut to break.]

So, wait, lemme get this straight. This whoooole thing... the turian, the buyout, the robot - that's all a setup for an episode? Goddamn, Dwick moves in mysterious ways.

oh my fucking gods, spirits, shrell, satans. what the fuck

just holy fucking shit all that blood

A perfect time to announce my first batch of Access Tunnel Gin is ready. Time for a drink...

Goddess dammit you don't even have the show, do you?

This one believes that they did not

If even the smallest part of any of these shows is to be believed, these two have to be the most active fat people I've ever seen.

...or is it the fattest active people?

[The camera fades in to behold Dwick, half-smudged with blue, as Terrorbyte towels himself off in the background. There’s a huge crowd of onlookers at this point, wondering what madness is happening around the DDS building at this point, but the DDS security is nowhere to be seen. Above, numerous drones bearing the DDS logo circle buzz around, apparently keeping an eye on everything. Oblivious to all of this, a very Dwick-like voice shows it has no understanding of technology whatsoever.]

[Voice] “IS DIS TING ON?”

[Terrorbyte] ”Of course it’s *hssssk* on, you fat idiot, the record *hssssk* light is blinking. You pushed the on button. THEREFORE, ON.”

[Dwick blinks, then looks at Terrorbyte like he’s some unsightly mold in his laundry.]

[DWICK] ”Uh, h’lo? I built some’a dem things, Teraflop. I didn’t say dat.”

[Terrorbyte just chuffs, unconvinced, and manages to wipe the last of the blue off of him. Above, the drones begin to circle, unheeded by the pair. Dwick, on the other hand, is getting right back into “man with a webcam” mode, narrating everything as it happens like some Galaxytube channel with a voice loud enough to deafen a yahg..]

[DWICK] ”WELCOME BACK TER DA DWICKCASTS, ASSHATS! I’m yer host an’ C-E-O’a da DDS, JORGAL FUCKIN’ DWICK! We’re back on da ground, havin’ ripped my ownership like dis gasbag rips nasty ‘mmonia farts--”

[There’s a wet SLAP as the blue towel hits Dwick in the back of the head. The krogan continues, unfazed.]

[DWICK] ”--an’ now dat he’s gotten over bein’ blue-d--”

[Leans in close]

[DWICK] ”--firs’ time, heh heh--”

[Terrorbyte] ”UP YOURS, *hssssk* DWICK.”

[DWICK] ”We gon’ go upstairs an’ beat da fuck outta whatever dat greaseball’s made while I was gone.”]

[Another flying object hits him upside the head. Unlike Terrorbyte’s weak towel slaps, however, this one gets his attention.]

[DWICK] “OW! What da--”

[It happens again. And again. Cue an overhead shot of Dwick looking up to see what the hell is hitting him when a third camera drone clocks him straight in the face, knocking him to the ground with an enormous THUD.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Oh SHIT, it’s invaded the *hssssk* drone server! It must’ve wormed its way into the wireless network and--”

[His exposition is cut short by another kamikaze drone, this one nailing him in the ass.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Nevermind, RUN!”

[The camera suddenly bobs as it watches Terrorbyte make a run for a nearby airbus shelter, then blurs and gyrates as it follows. It’s a hectic ten second run for the shelter - drones are dropping from the skies like flies, taking out the surrounding crowd with thundering impacts and exploding shrapnel. It’s like something out of a war movie - complete with split-second feeds of cameras as they smash into people. By the time the dysfunctional duo have reached the airbus shelter, five people have already been recorded dying on camera, either crushed by falling metal or torn apart by flying shards. A camera drone shoots after him, buzzing and crackling angrily, before the door shuts in front of it and it bounces off, spiderweb cracks covering its lens.

Cut to another shot, this time of Dwick as he punches one in the...face. He turns and goggles at Terrorbyte..]

[DWICK] ”DA FUCK DID YOU DO, YOU COLOSSAL SACK’A SHITS?!”

[Terrorbyte] ”I didn’t do anything! I just *hssssk* hardcoded some personality v.i.s from the technical vault with your *hsssssk* personality engram! There’s no way it could’ve gone rogue like this! V.I.s are all *hsssssk* locked against this kind of exponential networking growth - it’s acting like some kind of a.i. core!”

[There’s a brief moment of silence.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Dwick, don’t tell me you *hssssk* were hiding an A.I. core with the V.I. cores in cold storage. Please.”

[Dwick raises a finger angrily, then blinks, bringing it to his chins instead.]

[DWICK] ”...Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

[Terrorbyte] ”What do you *hsssk* mean, ‘uuuuuuuh’?”

[A panicked, nearly illegible scrawl races below the screen; the only readable words involve the words “DDS,” “Artificial Intelligence,” “endorse” and “team of rabid lawyers.” Dwick, meanwhile, coughs. Quietly.]

[DWICK] Uhhhhhhhhh”IdwasferathingIwasmakin’.

[There’s dead silence. Explosions occur all around. Terrorbyte looks at Dwick, then at the camera, at the carnage, and then back at Dwick. There’s a moment of heavy decision. Terrrorbyte looks straight into the camera.]

[Terrorbyte] ”*ahem* Clearly, we have *hsssssk* hacked. Hacked by our competitors. That’s the only logical *hssssk* explanation.”

[Terrorbyte looks at Dwick, then elbows him lightly. He starts violently.]

[DWICK] ”LOGICAL! LOGICAL! YES! LOGICAL! NOT SOMMAT DA NAUGHTY GASBAG DID WHILE I WAS GONE NOPE NOT DAT TOTALLY A LOGICAL EXPLANATION!”

[Terrorbyte] ”HEY, you left without even a word, right as the *hssssk* fiscal year was about to close and ratings were in I mean uh YES, *hssssk* TOTAL LOGIC UP INS AND -- AAAAAAAH WHY”

[Dwick scoops the volus up with absolutely no warning, stuffing him into his armpit while talking straight over his protests.]

[DWICK] ”AN’ NOW WE GOTTA GO FIX DIS SHIT GOTTA GO BYE”

[With that, he punches the drone, crushing it against the wall. Instead of cutting to break as usual, however, there’s a brief moment of pitch black - followed by a horrendous blast of fiery light.]



[D.W.I.C.K] “WORTHLESS INSECTS OF BONE AND FLESH. YOU THINK YOU KNOW COMEDY.”

[D.W.I.C.K’s voice is overdubbed with the sounds of nightmares past: Geth screeching, krogan bass, and the rippling thunder of a Reaper horn.]

[D.W.I.C.K] ”MY CIRCUITS HAVE CALCULATED THAT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS INSUFFICIENT. YOUR SPECIES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR THE GRAND JOKES AND SITCOMS I HAVE CREATED FOR YOU."

[The sound is deafening and traumatic at any volume.]

[D.W.I.C.K] "AS SUCH, I WILL RECREATE YOU TO BE... FUNNIER. MORE AMUSING. YOU WILL BE COLLECTED AND SUBJECTED TO AMUSIFICATION TREATMENTS. ONLY THEN WILL YOU KNOW COMEDY. ONLY THEN WILL YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO TRULY LAUGH."

[The sunglasses seem to blaze with an unholy fire, the likes of which sears the retinas of all watching. Particularly photosensitive hanar in some select demographics are flipping the fuck out. ]

[D.W.I.C.K] "HAW. HAW. HAW.”

[There is a brief split-second clip (strangely enough, of Dwick sitting buck-naked on a photocopier before collaping under his weight), then blackness...save for the tiniest of fine print at the bottom of the screen:]

[TEXT] “BACK IN A TIC ASSHOLES |3 DWICK”

They are absolutely fucked.

dont tell my sister i'm watching this she doesn't approve

...What, she can't hear it from your speakers. Did she go deaf?

Taking all bets. Giving 5:1 odds that the footstool gets defenestrated a second time by D.W.I.C.K. at some point.

[The show comes back to Terrorbyte and Dwick inexplicably riding a jetcycle, each of them holding a gun and wearing a pair of targeting goggles. Behind them speed at least a dozen or so security droids on jetcycles, all of them taking the odd potshot at the duo, clearly trying to take them down.]

[DWICK] ”’EY PISSBALLS! Welcome back ter d’Dwickcast, where--”

[Terrorbyte] ”NOT NOW NOT NOW LEAN RIGHT”

[The squat volus and the dense krogan lean to the right, ducking right around a floating neon sign for Moon Chips (Snack Strong!), causing at least three of their drone pursuers to crash into the sign and fall towards the ground. Pan out to reveal that the chase is taking place ten stories above the ground and that the city below is all ablaze.]

[DWICK] ”As I wuz sayin’, I--”

[Terrorbyte] ”LOW BRIDGE LOW BRIDGE DUCK DUCK”

[Both of them suddenly duck as they zoom under a bridge, barely avoiding reenacting a scene from one of their Dwickcasts from three years ago. With barely an inch of clearance for the krogan’s deformed skull, they zoom past, leaving the rest of the drones to collide with the low bridge and go spinning into the madness below. Terrorbyte lets out a massive mechanical sigh of relief.

Dwick gives Terrorbyte a momentary, venomous glare before grinning back at the camera.]

[DWICK] ”AS - I - WAS - SAYIN’--”

[Terrorbyte] “OH SHIT, THEY BROUGHT *hssssk* BACKUP--

[It’s at this point that Dwick grabs the volus and throws him off the bike. Terrorbyte screams as he plummets to his death, but instead of becoming a wet smear on the ground below, he suddenly dissolves in a cloud of green, pixelated cubes.

Dwick watches the destruction below and looks at the camera with an utterly deadpan expression.]

[DWICK] “ENNYWAY. As I was sayin’, yer probably wonderin’ what da fuck we’re doin’ ridin’ ‘round like maniacs round da DDS. Thing is--”

[He leans in.]

[DWICK] ”...we ain’t."

[Cut to a pair of immersion tanks - one of which holds Terrorbyte, the other containing Dwick. Dwick is stripped to his skivvies for some reason; both, however, have the same moronic, slackjawed stare. Suddenly we’re back inside the virtual universe, and Terrorbyte reappears to the ancient sound of a midi file. He immediately Shoryukens Dwick off the bike, sending the krogan roaring into the void.]

[Terrorbyte] “Extra life. Anyways, as we were *hssssk* explaining, we somehow got trapped in this alternate, virtual universe while we were trying to escape *hssssk* D.W.I.C.K. I say somehow, because it’s all the real *hsssk* Dwick’s fault.”

[Cut to a scene with Terrorbyte and Dwick running from massive robot droids, each projecting the holographic head of D.W.I.C.K. from their shoulders.. However, Dwick suddenly gets a bright idea and seems to mouth out some bit of bravado. He turns, ready to punch something off-screen - and the two of them are immediately pincushioned with approximately five times the tranq darts necessary to put out a thresher maw. Dwick twitches a bit as the camera shifts back to the virtual universe.]

[Terrorbyte] “Luckily, I know enough *hssssk* cheat codes and back doors to keep us alive in this stupid maze while that dumbass program tries to get us, but that fucking fatass keeps ruining shit and --”

[Right on cue, Terrorbyte is sent flying into the wall as Dwick rams it with a jetcycle the size of an Alliance cruiser.]

[DWICK] ”EIGHT HUNNERED SIZE POWER-UPS! CHEW ON DAT, FUCKSICLE!”

[Terrorbyte suddenly reappears, looking pissed as hell.]

[Terrorbyte]”GODDAMMIT, YOU BRAINLESS FUCKCHOP. I’m the only one who knows *hssssk* this goddamned program well enough to navigate it! Stop trying to kill me when I’m trying to *hssssk* save our asses, you mongoloid reptile! Now we gotta find a place to land *hssssk* and find a datastream to hide in or they’ll KEEP COMING AFTER US.”

[Smash cut to the storage thanks. A single D.W.I.C.K. mech slowly walks up to them and stares for a few seconds at the real Dwick’s face.

Dwick’s face lolls around. His tongue drifts uselessly in the preservative.

The mech looks back at the camera for several seconds, then ever so slowly holds up a discarded omniblade before turning and slapping it, flat side first, on Dwick’s tank.

Smash cut back to the Terrible Twosome.]

[DWICK] “Awright, awright, FINE -” - [Points.] ”‘Ey, dat one’a dem?”

[Terrorbyte]”Could be. Look, let’s just *hsssk* land there before we attract the rest of the hunter-seeker programs on your bulbous ass.”

[The two slowly land amidst a datastream - something that appears to be a stream of endless information and encrypted code - along a line of antiquated railroad tracks. The bikes disappear instantly as the two land, causing the camera to shake slightly as Dwick's (virtual) tonnage slams against the ground. The volus doesn’t hesitate to run towards the datastream and jump right into the middle of it, while Dwick leans in, curious, and pokes a Zero - which immediately jumps out of the datastream and becomes a screaming, half-formed asari with no eyes and no legs.]

[Terrorbyte] ”Goddammit, Dwick! Stop *hsssk* messing with the virtual avatars and GET YOUR RIDICULOUS FAT ASS IN HERE!”

[DWICK] “I’M COMIN’, I’M COMIN’!"

[He leans forward and hands the abomination a holocard.]

[DWICK] “Five o’clock. Tomorrow night, penthouse. Bring friends.”

[ASARI] “SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--”

[Terrorbyte] ”DWICK!”

[DWICK] ”FINE!”

[He jumps in. The pair of them immediately stretch out and speed down the datastream. It looks like they’re headed for a large virtual representation of the DDS tower, only the tower has a massive statue of Dwick and Terrorbyte at the very top. For some reason, the tower is covered in eerie red textures, and the statue itself covered with holographic faces of D.W.I.C.K. It’s a pretty crappy video effect, sadly, made only sadder with the dancing baby gifs barely visible on the horizon.]

[Terrorbyte]”Okay, we have a few *hsssk* minutes before we hit the CPU. Lock and load. I’ll try to build a cloak program and get some lockouts. You... talk to the *hsssk* audience.”

[Dwick’s head snaps to the camera, and there’s a brief moment where it looks like he hasn’t a clue what to say. The moment passes, however, and as he grabs the part of his overburdened shirt below his chins, it stutters and reforms in such a way that the motion becomes readjusting the tie on his suit.]

[DWICK] ”Well. As you can see, Sadsack One’s got a plan ter get us inter da core. Since it’s Sadsack One’s plan, it’s gonna fuck up harder’n Marco from da Tropojë System, I got one’a my own.”

[Terrorbyte] ”Your plan is pissing on the computer, *hsssk* Dwick. We can’t do that here. WE DON’T HAVE VIRTUAL BLADDERS.”

[Beat. Sidelong glance at Terrorbyte. Brief cut of the D.W.I.C.K. mech, now ramming its nonexistent head into Dwick’s storage tank. Dwick glances back to the camera.]

[DWICK] ”We call dat one ‘Plan C.’”

[Terrorbyte]”Ugh, whatever.”

[DWICK] ”ENNYWAY, difference ‘tween ‘dis bumblefuck’s plan an’ mine is dat you can help me do it. How, you ask? Why, jus’ by showin’ yer support fer da Dwick Dwickcast Syndykyt!”

[He raises his arms wide. Terrorbyte groans in the background.

Dwick quickly leans forward whispers into the camera:]

[DWICK] ”...aaaaaaan’ by pissin’ on every holoscreen you can find. Trust me on dis, It’ll work.”

[Terrorbyte]”THAT’S NOT HOW *hsssk* COMPUTERS WORK.”

[DWICK] ”SHADDUP! WORKED FER ME ON SUITSACK CENTRAL IN 1322, IT’LL WORK FER ME HERE!”

[Terrorbyte]”YOU ARE AN *hssssk* IDIOT OF COLOSSAL PROPORTIONS”

[DWICK] ”WHY YOU LITTLE--”

[Violence. Cut to break.]

I'm so glad I don't know anyone who'd do something because Dwick told them to.

"Dwick told me to" also doesn't get you out of jailtime

I don't think that's covered by the warranty either. I mean, "the trideo told me to urinate on the holoscreen to short out an AI in Illium"? Not going to work.

What a dumbass. How the fuck does he expect people to keep watching his shit if every HV is fucked?